Tuesday, December 21, 2010


I went in today for my semi-annual hair cut. On a whim, I decided to have my stylist blow dry it straight. I have wondered for some time now how I would look with straightened hair. Little did I know that not only would Jay REALLY hate it, he would be totally pissed off at me for the remainder of the day. Even after I made him understand it was a completely temporary thing... that I would return to the natural curls he knew and loved as soon as I washed my hair the next day...he was still rattled for the rest of the day.

While I much prefer the natural curls myself, it was a fun diversion from the everyday. It is such a radical departure from my normal hairstyle that I almost felt as if I were walking about in disguise today. I feel that it lends me a much more dominant, agressive, woman of the world type of look, which is probably exactly why it touched such a nerve in Jay. Our personalities are very opposite... he is dominant and protective while I am submissive and nurturing. We both like it this way, and find that it works very well for us. I suppose the new look kind of threw all of that off kilter for him, not to mention the fact that he complained that I looked like his Mom and his sister!!

I'll give you a peek at both do's and you decide which is your favorite.


Or Curly...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Jingle Bells

Look what my sweet Sir bought me before we went out Saturday night. I LOVE them!! They jingle and sway with the slightest movement, and they're so cute. Sir and I giggled and delighted in them like school children. My Sir knows just what makes me happy. Thank you my honey :-)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Today on the Calender

I have a calender with a message for each day on my kitchen counter. Today's message was so meaningful for me, I just had to share it...

"Often the true path of love begins only when romance has begun to taper off, for love is the capacity to see light when darkness has begun to eclipse it."

On another note...Jay and I had a great time at another of Mon Cherie's fetish parties last night...this time with a Christmas theme! I hope to have some photos for you soon!

Friday, December 10, 2010

What Do You Want to Do With the Rest of Your Life?

My last remaining grandparent ( my maternal grandmother) passed away last Saturday. If I am honest, I wasn't as close to her as my paternal grandparents who passed away last year, and the loss was not quite as difficult. However, I did of course love her, and after my paternal grandparents passed I comforted myself with the thought that I still had one grandparent left, so things were still kind of normal. With my grandmother's passing this week, I have lost an entire generation of my family. All that remains are memories, photographs, and certain sentimental items. It changes in some ways the entire landscape of life.

I can't help but be unnerved by the realization that the next generation to go will be my own parents, hopefully a good 20-30 years from now. If I am bewildered and melancholy by the loss of my grandparents, how in the world will I survive the loss of my parents? Something I try not to think about too terribly much.

I don't like the age I have become....the age where loved ones begin to die from, well, simple old age. I have witnessed several friends my own age lose their parents in recent years, and it is terribly unsettling. I have a friend who lost her parents 5 or 6 years ago, and is still clearly not over it. I don't think one would ever fully recover from the loss of a parent. I imagine in some ways one would feel like an orphan no matter what age they were.

While I have tried valiantly to pretend it is not happening, Jay's father is coming to the end stages of a serious illness he has lived with for some years now. It fills me with a sense of dread. I don't know what to do or say to help him with this. I feel quite helpless. I just try to trust that the right words and gestures will be given to me when they are needed.

All of this pondering of death lately can't help but bring me squarely face to face with my own mortality. When I was 20 I think I truely did believe I and those I loved would live forever. Now at age 40, having witnessed the passing of 2 sets of grandparents, I know every life is finite. This begs the question...what do you plan to do with the remaining 40 or 50 years of your life?

I think about all the time I wasted in my younger days. Afraid to try new things for fear of failing. Afraid to approach new people for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Constantly judging myself as lacking in one way or another and missing out on so much life because of it. I think it's high time I stop nailing myself to the cross every chance I get.

I feel this great desire to serve lately...not in the D/s sense of serving , but the more spiritual sense of the word ( so sorry to disappoint my freaky fans out there, ha, ha). I'm not entirely sure in what capacity just yet, but my eyes have been wide open and I have taken advantage of the small opportunities that have come my way in recent weeks. I think this will become my greatest path for happiness and fulfillment.

Speaking of D/s and sex in general...I am feeling lately less of a desire to share every detail of my sex life with the world. That's not to say I intend to close down my little portion of the blogosphere, but postings, I think, may become less and less frequent as I focus on other things.

It is my hope that when my time is up in this particular body, that the God of my understanding will be well pleased that I have used it to the fullest. It is my personal belief that most of us souls return here to live many, many lifetimes until we have finally mastered the lessons we were sent here to learn. It is my sincere aspiration to skip a few lifetimes by using this one really, really well!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

In this season of Thanksgiving, I want to take a moment to reflect on the blessings I am thankful for in my life.

I am thankful for my family...

- My good looking, intelligent, kinky, loving husband.
- My goofy, sweet, funny daughter and her old soul.
- My handsome, smart, athletic, kind hearted son.

I am thankful that Jay and I have both have our parents here with us. We have reached an age where some of our friends are starting to lose their parents and it is very unsettling.

I am thankful that Jay and I are both gainfully employed and able to provide for ourselves and our children.

I am thankful each time my 16 year old, newly driving son comes home safe and sound.

I am thankful that I am fortunate enough to be concerned about all the excess calories I will have access to tomorrow when many will go without.

And, dearest reader, I am thankful that any of you find the ramblings of my deviant mind interesting enough to keep coming back for more.

What are you thankful for?

Monday, November 22, 2010

My Mentors

I have discovered two role models for who I should be and what I should strive to do for my Master. You will find both of them rather unusual, I assure you. You might even find them amusing. However, these two role models embody the one thing I desire to offer my Master each and every day no matter the form it takes...my innocent and undying adoration.

The first mentor I wish to tell you about is none other than Barbara Eden...more precisely Genie of "I Dream of Genie." Jay has turned our daughter onto this show of late, therefore I have been watching quite a lot of it. The more I watched it, the more it struck me that Genie was for her Master what I desire to become for mine. Her sole purpose is to serve and bring him happiness. Her joy is found in bringing him joy. She trusts him implicitly. Her love is offered freely and innocently. She is the picture of the perfect submissive.

My second mentor you will undoubtedly find a bit more unusual, dearest reader. My second role model in this walk of becoming the perfect submissive is one of our dogs, the Akita/German Shepherd. She is Jay's dog. Not because she was brought into the family specifically for him or because he claimed her as his dog, but because she developed a strong bond with him of her own accord. The love this dog feels for him can be seen palpably in her eyes. It is not unusal to find her lying on our bed with Jay gazing at him with pure adoration. He strokes her lovingly and tells her what a good girl she is. She responds immediately to any command he gives her, trusting that her Daddy would never bring her to harm. She too embodies my idea of the perfect submissive.

This is the very picture of the D/s relationship I wish to have with Jay. I wish to lie and simply adore him. I wish to have him stroke me and tell me what a good girl I am as I make it my purpose to express my adoration through serving him. I wish to find it within myself to obey his every command immediately, without question. My heart longs to be his obedient "pet."

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I Can't Get This Song Out of My Head

I have had the new Miranda Lambert song, "Only Prettier" stuck in my head for days now. If you listen to country music which I have developed an appreciation for in my oid age, you will probably know it. It's a funny little song narrating a cat fight Southern syle.

The last line in particular continues to float around in my head, escaping my lips every now and then as I go about my day. As a result of the struggle with the depression I mentioned in my last post I have gained about 25 lbs over the last 2 years or so. I feel like a stranger in my own body. I have yet to find the willpower to lose it. The one advantage I have found is that my boobs have grown a whole cup size, ha, ha!! I now have FULL C cups. I joke with Jay that I saved him thousands by giving myself an all natural boob job!!

I have decided this song, and this line in particular is an appropriate theme song for me...

"I'll keep drinking/You'll keep getting skinnier/I'm just like you/Only prettier."

If you are interested, here is the whole song for you. It doesn't hurt that Miranda Lambert is so damn pretty!

Friday, November 19, 2010


I am not sure where to begin this post. It is sure to be a whiny one, no matter how I compose it. It's not sex related, so stop right here if you're searching for something hot and steamy to help you along. Remember that emptiness I brought up here? Try as I might, I can't seem to find that one magical thing that will fill it.

It's not surprising really, I've been searching for it to no avail most of my life. It's only been recently that I have matured enough to become aware that searching was what I was doing...this next bite of food will do it, this high will do it, getting married will do it, having a child will do it, fitting into size "X" will do it, this relationship will do it. Guess what, none of those things did it more than temporarily. I am not suggesting I dont love my children with all my heart or that I am not happy to be married to Jay. I'm only honestly stating they were some of the things I genuinely believed would bring me constant, everlasting happiness. Guess what happens when the things you used to fill up the empty spaces stop working, or are taken from you...you get depressed.

I have shyed away from sharing this side of myself here, reserving this space only for well adjusted, erotic, deviant Mimi, but that's not always who I am (much to Jay's dismay). Who I am is erotic, deviant, sexy, but also someone who feels empty much of the time, someone who has struggled with depression since her teens. I've decided maybe I can share that not so sexy side of me too because I know at least a few of you dear readers feel that emptiness too.

I struggled with depression in varying degrees throughout my late teens and early twenties. It improved after that and all but disappeared after I met Jay. We married, had a child of our own three years later in addition to his son he brought into the marriage that I raised as my own. Happiness and fulfillment abounded in my life during this time. I felt I had finally escaped the demons that plagued me in my younger years.

Slowly things began to go awry. I was faced with some of the more unpleasant realities of life, and lost some of the things that were dear to me and that had helped bolster my sense of who I had become (things that filled the empty spaces), and eventually the depression came back full force about 4 years ago. I tried to deal with it on my own until just last year. Refusing to seek help because that would be an admission of failure of sorts. I had believed that scared misfit of a girl was long dead and buried, yet here she was raising her ugly head again.

So I woke up each morning with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, pulled myself out of bed despite the crushing despair, and felt proud that I at least got up and showed up at work each day. I slogged through each day as best I could finding little joy in anything. Then I would return home often impatient and angry with my children,or arguing with Jay because he just couldn't understand what was wrong with me, never having experienced depressed Mimi before.

Finally last fall I had to admit that I couldn't live like this anymore. I had sought help in the form of talk therapy off and on, but I had to admit the problem was bigger than me, and I needed more than that. I finally agreed to medication. Since then I have been on 3 different medications. The 3rd one seems to be the charm as it has worked well for me for about 6 months now.

Lately, however the discontent, irritability, restlesness and emptiness are rearing their ugly heads again. And I am confronted with the question that never seems to leave me..."What will fill the empty space?" I return to the old methods and feel even more empty and frustrated when they no longer work. I miss the good old days when I could fool myself enough to keep the darkness at bay with one trick or another.

My gut tells me simply swallowing the right pill everyday is not enough. It can clear the fog and make Mimi function again, but my heart tells me the full answers lie in the metaphysical. So I study, I meditate, I pray and still can't find the sense of peace I seek.

I am tired today...tired of contentment being so elusive, tired of happiness being so much work, tired of seeking and never finding. Just tired...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Afternoon Quickie

Jay and I just returned from a Thanksgiving lunch with our daughter at school.

He brought me home and fucked me afterwards. I happen to be wearing a dress today, with crotchless panties, stockings and garter, and boots. He pulled the dress over my head, bent me over the end of the couch, spit on my pussy, and shoved his cock inside me. I moaned into the sofa as he ground against my backside.

"Slap my ass, baby," I moaned.

Slap, Slap, SLAP went his hand against my bare ass as we fucked and I groaned my pleasure.

When his cock fell out of me, he led me upstairs. I laid on my back, legs in the air, pussy spread wide and open for him. He spit on my pussy again and stroked his cock against my clit before plunging deep inside me again.

Dear God, we were both so worked up. It didn't take long with my fingers on my clit and his cock plunging away inside me before I was loudly screaming in orgasm in our child-free home. Jay quickly followed suit with a release of his own.

Now I return back to work with hand prints on my ass, and the scent of his cum dripping out of me. Makes the day ahead a little more bearable.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Master's Slave for the Afternoon

I spent the afternoon before the Halloween party serving as Master’s slave. Sadly, as always, we ended I spent the afternoon before the Halloween party serving as Master’s slave. Sadly, as always, we ended up with less time to devote to deviance than we would have liked. Master had a task planned for me that would have earned me my own pet pillow, but did not have the time to engage me in it. So I remain a pet without her own soft pillow.

After dropping our daughter off with her grandparents for the night, Master had me remove my bra and change into a thin cotton T-shirt he had required me to bring. The fabric was so thin the outline of my nipples and new installed nipple rings were clearly visible. He then took me to the pet store where I was allowed to pick out my own doggie dish and a new chain link leash.

When we arrived home Master had me disrobe and kneel before him in our bedroom as he affixed my collar and new leash around my neck. Next he attached the nipple clamps to my nipple rings and threaded the chain through the O ring of the collar. Finally, he buckled my wrist and ankle cuffs around each extremity. At last, I was a properly adorned slave. I was then led by the leash on all fours down to the den.

Once in the den, Master informed me that I would have to earn my own pet pillow, and for now I would have to use the bed belonging to our Akita/German Shepherd. The first task I was given was to remove all the dog toys from the bed…not with my hands, but with my mouth. This wasn’t so terribly bad. I was able to perform the task quickly and well for Master.

Afterwards, he kindly asked if I would like a drink to wash the dog hair from my mouth. When I replied that I would, he led me on all fours into the kitchen (linoleum is an extremely HARD surface on one’s knees in case you have never crawled across your own kitchen floor) where there was a doggie bowl full of my favorite beverage…Diet Mountain Dew. I obediently lowered my head and lapped it up like a good girl, my pussy throbbing between my legs.

I was then led back into the den and ordered to curl up on the doggie bed. My beloved Master then took the flogger to my exposed ass. What I did not know was that Master had been studying technique and had discovered how to strike me with the tips of the flogger producing a distinctive stinging sensation. He flicked the flogger across my naked ass over and over until I was writhing about and crying out on the dog bed.

He then went outside to smoke a cigarette (my Jay has take up smoking again with the stress of his job which worries me greatly) with instructions for me to remain there on the dog bed. I laid there and listened to him talking to someone on his cell phone and began to feel the rush of endorphins coursing through my body as a result of Master’s flogging. God but I love that wonderful feeling my Master gives to me.

When Master came back inside he ordered me to go upstairs and get the lotion for massaging his feet. I scurried upstairs, grabbed the lotion, scurried back to set it on the floor and lie back down on the dog bed. Master was in the kitchen getting himself some ice water as I waited.

When he returned he sighed in an irritated manner and exclaimed, “Unbelievable!”

“What is it?” I asked, falling out of my role and thinking perhaps my son had just called wit something annoying to say or ask.

“That’s not the lotion I told you to get. That’s not my lotion,” he informed me as if speaking to a child.

In my haste, I had brought down my own lotion, not thinking to get his eucalyptus scented lotion, and didn’t even realize it until he corrected me. I was given another round with the flogger for my carelessness before being sent upstairs to get the correct lotion.

When I returned, Master was seated on the sofa where I was directed to kneel before him and remove his shoes and socks. When this was done, I carefully placed his bare feet on a towel and prepared to massage him. He stopped me before I could begin with a redirection to suck his cock instead.

I unzipped him and carefully removed his cock as he turned on the TV to watch the Georgia-Florida game. I dutifully licked and sucked as he flipped between football and porn. After 15 minutes or so of pleasuring him orally, I was directed to begin massaging his feet. I massaged his feet and legs, my nipple clamps dangling from my breasts as he continued to watch football and porn.

When his foot massage was done I was made to bend over on all fours and finger my ass as he watched and grew hard. When he had had enough of that, Master placed me over the ottoman and entered my ass. Being his slave, I could only respectfully acquiesce as he pumped in and out of my ass.

After several minutes of pumping, he pulled out, sat down on the sofa and told me to go get something to clean him off so I could suck his cock again. I stared at him dumbfounded. He couldn’t possibly be asking this of me. I had often commented when watching porn how disgusted I was by the scenes of women being fucked in the ass then sucking the same cock that had just come out of their asshole. I swallowed hard and went upstairs to retrieve the things I would need.

My mind raced…I can’t do this…he won’t really make me do this…what is he is serious…I think he is serious. I was near tears before I stopped and refocused. Master has given me a task. I am his slave to use as he sees fit this afternoon. Master would never to anything to harm me, My one purpose this afternoon is to bring pleasure to Master.

I then methodically gathered the things I would need…warm soapy washcloth, dry towel, baby wipes. I would have poured alcohol over his cock if I thought I could have gotten away with it!!

I went downstairs, kneeled before him, and washed his cock and balls with the washcloth, dried them, thoroughly wiped with the baby wipes and dried again. Now was my moment of truth…I kneeled there, head lowered, just looking at his cock.

“Suck it, Mimi,” he growled.

I lowered my head to his crotch and stopped just short of his cock. Despite my little pep talk to myself upstairs, I still hesitated to take him in my mouth. He placed his hand on the back of my head and shoved me the rest of the way down.

I opened my mouth to his cock and sucked weakly. Master grabbed me by the hair, pulled my head up and slapped my face.

“I said suck my cock,” he bellowed.

I took him in my mouth again and did my best to overcome my disgust and suck him properly. I got a few more slaps to the side of the face as I sucked to encourage me to perform better.

When Master had had enough fun with that exercise, he mercifully ordered me to lie on the dog bed and masturbate. I gratefully complied as he watched and snapped photos.

When I was wet and writhing about for his cock, he knelt before me and entered my needy pussy. We rocked and moaned together, my hands on my breasts playing with my nipple rings. I bucked my hips up to meet his as he thrust harder and harder until reaching his orgasm inside me.

And that, dear reader, is how I came to be fucked on a dog bed for the first time as Master’s little bitch.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Happy Veteran's Day

This morning I (Jay) told Mimi to complete a task for me in honor of this special day today.

To all my brothers who risked their lives, who paid the ultimate sacrifice, and those who are safely away from the field of battle, I had Mimi wish you all in our own way a Happy Veteran's Day!

Strike Hold!

- Jay

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Halloween Fetish Party

My dearest reader, I have been remiss in posting photos from our Halloween fetish outing a couple of weeks ago. Honestly, I must admit that Jay and I were a little disappointed in this year's soiree. There were no shows or demonstrations, no St. Andrew's crosses or whipping benches, just dancing and drinks with no alcohol we could discern for $6 a pop. The evening was not a total loss, we did have fun, but had come with higher expectations. The afternoon prior was far more interesting as I served as Master's slave for the day. Look for a narrative of that coming soon.

I have no interesting pictures of the party for you, but do have a number of before and after pictures to share with you.

Here you can see what I was (or was not) wearing under my costume...

Here is the outfit itself. If you recall from this post, I had tried to order a sheer top dress for this event only to be told several days later it had been discontinued. My Jay was so excited about the idea of showing off my new nipple piercings. I was very proud of myself for finding this outfit also with a sheer top...

Jay dressed himself as a creepy old vampire. He wore his skeleton top hat with the stringy, grey hair, applied white makeup with green and black accents to his face, glued a pair of fangs to his teeth and dribbled a little fake blood along the sides of his lips. These were some of the best photos we took of the evening...

At the end of the evening Jay had me remove my skirt at the side of the car and ride home in the attire you see below in exchange for a promise to stop by a Krystal on the way home and get me a yummy snack...

The final picture of the evening as I walked into the house...

Thursday, October 28, 2010


Last week was a difficult yet enlightening one for me. Circumstances forced me to get honest with myself and let go of a long cherished fantasy. I don't care to share what that fantasy was except to say it was one that brought a great deal of joy and pleasure to my life and another until it became unhealthy.

The funny thing is, I believed I had let go of this fantasy some time ago only to be hit in the gut with the realization that I hadn't loosened my grip on it nearly as much as I wanted to believe. I was confronted with the stark realization that I had lived for years and was still living with the hope of making my fantasy work without injury to myself or others. I did a good job of convincing myself that I could control myself, but this relationship was not like the others that I could take or leave. It never would be because my heart was wrapped up in it and it always would be no matter how hard I tried to tell myself otherwise.

The realization was quite a shock to me. I had done a marvelous job of lying to myself with the noble intent of soothing what hurt while all along nurturing the hope that still nested in my heart.

The result of all this is a swirl of feelings and emotions. I find myself grieving the loss of something dear to me all over again. I found myself unable to control tears I had not shed for this fantasy for years as it disintegrated before me once and for all.

While at the same time experiencing a great sense of relief that I could finally free myself and another from this desire that did not serve. I felt a sense of gratitude that I was finally forced to be brutally honest with myself about this secret hope that still lived in my heart and the fact that it simply could not be.

I would like to say I am at peace with this loss now, but I am not there yet. What I feel is a certain sense of emptiness. What I feel is fear for how I will replace something that had occupied a large space in my heart for many years. While enjoying a sense of release with letting this fantasy go, I also feel a great deal of sadness to see it die. Although a source of great pain when I allowed it to swirl out of control, it was also a source of great happiness and intense desire in my life. How do you replace something like that?

I have an overwhelming sense,however that this is a new beginning for me. Holding onto the hope of this fantasy whether I was concious of doing so or not, kept me stuck in the same place in my life as I waited for the past to be reborn. As for the empty space I spoke of, I am fully aware now that I have tried to fill this space not only with this particular fantasy, but with a vast array of people, things, and habits (some healthy, some decidely unhealthy) none of which ever completely did the trick simply because they were never meant for that purpose. I recognize now that no person(not even Jay or my children) or thing or habit is ever going to be big enough to fill it. A truth I have only recently come to accept as fact. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that only something much Bigger offers what I seek to fill that space.

While wistful at letting go of the past, I also look forward to a new beginning with a deeper understanding of who I am and where I've been. I feel grateful to have been loved so well in my life both past and present by romantic partners, friends and family. I am content to understand that just because someone cannot offer their love to you in the form you would most desire, doesn't make it any less real for you or for them.

I can find peace in acceptance that I don't always know what's best for myself, my desires are sometimes not ones which would serve me most. If I will get out of the way, and allow it, there is a Force greater than myself that does know how to find my greater good and will lead me to it. I am grateful to all those He places along my path (some of them read this blog and know who they are) to help me find my way there.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sensual Product Review: Massagewicks Candles

I have another wonderful product to review for you, dear reader. A product that can be used as a prelude/foreplay to hot sex, as a way to continue the intimacy after a hot session of sex, or just a way to express your love for that special someone. A massage candle from Massagewicks.

These candles are made using using a specially formulated blend of soy wax, apricot oil, cocoa and shea butters, all wrapped around a natural cotton wick. They are offered in a variety of lucious scents, or can be fragrance free if you prefer.

Simply light the wick, and allow the candle to burn for about 20 minutes until you have a nice pool of oil. Blow out the candle, and dip it out with your fingers, or as I prefer, have your partner drizzle it onto the desired area of your body for massage. Soy candles burn only at a slightly higher temperature than body temperature, and thus will never burn but instead provide a sensual warm sensation when applied to the skin. The burn time for the candle should be approximately 30 hours, but will vary based on how you use it. The number of massages will vary as well depending on use as well as how much oil you use for each session.

Jay has a eucalyptus scented candle I plan to use for my next weekend of worshipping Master. I think my Master will find great pleasure in the soft light of the candle filling the bathroom as I bath him, followed by a massage with his favorite scent.

Jay and I had the opportunity to use one of these wonderful candles Friday evening and it was a throughly satisfying experience. We chose option B mentioned above (a way to continue the intimacy after a hot session of sex!) allowing the candle to burn and fill the room with it's scent as we enjoyed each other's bodies. The scent I chose was patchouli amber which has a musky, sexy sort of scent I love. I can't wait to try out some of my other favorite scents like coconut lime and warm sugar vanilla...mmmmm.

Jay blew the candle out when we were ready to use it and drizzled the oil all along my back. The sensation was divine as the warm oil hit my skin just before he began to massage my back and buttocks as he rubbed it in. The scent lingered on my skin and the sheets all night which was an added bonus.

There are three things that I love about these candles that are different from what I have found with other massage candles we have used in the past...

The thing I love the most is that the candle retains a soft, lotiony sort of texture long after it has cooled. This means I can scoop some up anytime I wish and massage it into my hands or anywhere I desire to moisturize and enjoy the scent I have chosen.

The second thing I love about these candles is that they soak directly into my skin and don't leave me with an oily or waxy feeling after use that I feel the need to rinse off my skin afterwards.

The third thing I love about these candles is the price. Most of the candles we have used in the past have been $20 or more. These awesome candles are only $10 a pop.

I have already begun to suggest more scents to Jay that I expect to find in my Christmas stocking!!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A Weekend of Pleasure

I regret to inform you, dear reader, that Jay and I did not make it to our Halloween fetish party this weekend. Forces conspired against us (including our daughter coming home from school with a fever on Friday) that forced us to make the decision that the outing just was not going to work for this weekend. Never fear, however, there is yet another one being held next Saturday that will be just as much of a kinky good time.

With the decision not to go out Saturday night, we found ourselves with very little obligations for the weekend which is highly unusual for us. Our daughter was perfectly fine by Saturday morning (a bit of a reaction to her recent flu shot, I believe), and spent most of the day across the street with one of her best little friends for her birthday party. Our son went off all day with one of his buddies, so we pretty much had the house to ourselves most of the day. This all equaled LOTS of sex for the weekend.

Both before and after the obligatory appearance at the birthday party across the street we found the occasion to have sex. However, the third time we had sex on Saturday night was by far the best.

I was turned on all afternoon smelling Jay's cum between my legs from our two previous sessions. So much so that at one point I came up behind him as he made dinner in the kitchen and said, "I can smell you between my legs and it is making me so horny!"

Later that evening after our daughter was tucked into bed where she fell immediately to sleep after a long day of birthday partying, and our son was spending the night with his best friend, we found ourselves alone together in bed watching TV. The TV found it's way to porn and Jay's hands found their way to my nipples which were newly adorned with hoops in place of the barbell piercings.

Jay began to tug my nipples by the hoops while his tongue probed my mouth deliciously. I writhed and moaned as we both watched him tugging at my nipples harder and harder. I eventually called for my vibrating bullet which I applied to my hard clit as I directed Jay's finger inside me. He inserted another finger into my asshole and fucked both holes as my bullet buzzed away on my clit until I spat out between clinched teeth..."Here it comes. I'm cumming, I'm cumming..." as my cunt clenched on his finger.

I was then directed down to his cock where I took in the scent of the previous fucking that day before swallowing his hard cock. My ass was in the air taking a nice playful spanking as my head worked up and down his cock. I eventually placed myself flat on the bed in front of him and began to suck his cock with a purpose. My cunt ached to feel him inside me again, but I was content to allow him to cum in my mouth.

I was such a happy slut when he motioned me towards him, shoved me back across the bed and sank his cock in me. My little cunt felt sore and a little tight from the 3 other fuck sessions she had received in the last 24 hours (once Friday night, and twice earlier in the day) which produced the most delicious mixture of pleasure and pain as he fucked me. I wanted his cock more than I can put into words. It was an animal, visceral sort of wanting.

He leaned over me to pump slowly into me as I reached up to feel the hard muscles of his arms, wrapping my legs around his hips and digging the heels of my feet into his ass. I opened my eyes to alternately watch his face and my breasts bouncing underneath his thursts, silver hoops shining from my nipples.

He raised upright once again and began to pound into me with all his might, porn running in the background which we both snuck a glance at from time to time. I gripped the sheets with my hands, my hips thrusting back at him for dear life as he hit just the right spot inside my throbbing little pussy. I opened my eyes just in time to watch his face as he emptied himself inside me.

Today saw one more session of sex as our daughter went back over to play with her friend and our son studied in his room. Jay swatted my ass with a new little feather duster we found with serves as a small, stinging sort of cane on one end and a soft, soothing bunch of feathers on the other end.

He slowly built the intensity of the swats until I had my face shoved into the mattress to muffle my cries.

"Oh Sir, Oh Sir, Oh Sir," I cried.

He pressed me down into the mattress by the small of the back, my ass raised high for him and hissed, "Quiet. Stop making noise."

He beat me with this tiny, make shift little cane until the emotion came bubbling up out of me and I was on the verge of tears. He sliced the toy through the air just above me such that I could hear the whipping sort of sound it made as it passed through the air. I nearly lost it waiting for the blows to connect with my ass that never came.

I then felt the new toy on the soles of my feet and immediately began to plead, "Please, please, no..." remembering the pain HeadMaster had dealt to the soles of my feet during our one session together.

Again, Master was fucking with my head as no blows ever came to my feet.

At this point our daughter returned from across the street!! Jay went out to direct her to watch a little TV until he came down. He returned to me at which point we got right down to business in the interest of time...ha, ha.

That wonderful man fucked me a fifth and final time for the weekend and all felt right with the world.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Master's Reply to His Slave

My Jay responded to the email I sent a few days ago with one of his own. After reading it, I felt like such a fortunate pet and wife. I cannot express the love and gratitude I feel to have a husband willing to travel down this path with me.

My Lovely Slave...

Yes, you have taken entirely too long to send your list.

Being the masochist I know you are, I know you have painful desires and needs it is my duty to fulfill. For the time being I will use this list as a basis to provide you pleasure through humiliation and pain. But understand I will command another list in the near future.

Moving forward, as my slave I will address you as Mimi to indicate my intention of directing you as my submissive slave, and not my wife.

To be a pet is a great task, and takes a great deal of humility to submit and serve as such. I trust you are up to the task. This weekend, we will look for your accoutrements so you can be my good slave-pet.

We will also plan a weekend of servitude for you. This servitude will include servicing me at will, and tasks for my pleasure.

I see you wish a new leash. The one you have is perfectly fine, but I would be interested in what a slut such as yourself might want. Possibly something that has studs on it to add to your pain as you are slapped with your leash or maybe a chain with a choker...we will certainly see what would suit your deviant desires.

As part of being an obedient submissive, you must trust your Master, and do as commanded. As your Master I would never intentionally put you in any danger or dangerous situations. My respect for you is great and I would not do anything that was personally or deeply humiliating as I know you better than anyone. To do anything that was truly disrespectful would be egregious and would make me unworthy to be your Dominant. Never forget that I love and cherish you as my wife first and foremost.

I do not think a third person is a good idea for our relationship, but your servicing others at my pleasure is another matter. I do know you enjoy many things and activities...things and activities you feel like you should not enjoy,yet you do. As your Dominant, it is my responsibility to not only provide pleasure and punishment, but to expand our limits together.

I am glad you want to only serve me sexually, actually more than glad, it shows me that you desire and only adore me, which makes me confident our roles are in the place we have been working towards.

Therefore regarding your final request, I agree we should not include a third party Dom in our relationship, and I do not think a third party sub would be good for us either. However, I do find that it is necessary for you to be able to service others as I direct. We have discussed that we both know you enjoy servicing others, but you tend to think negatively of yourself after the experiences. What I will promise you is, I will not frequently ask this of you, but I will command you to service others at my discretion for my pleasure. You will do as I command and not disappoint but enjoy it as I know you do.

What I desire from you is for you to be an obedient slave, to be a loving slave, for you to allow me to take you to the dark places you desire, and I do encourage you to tell me your desires so I can continue to take you to those places your heart longs for. Through this I will earn your respect and continue to explore this world together.

Your Loving Master.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Learning to Walk

Jay and I are eagerly anticipating a fetish Halloween party we are attending on Saturday. I have a hot new dress and stiletto heels courtesy of Mistress Faye. The story goes like this...Jay had ordered this outfit for me with my full cooperation only to receive an email nearly TWO weeks after ordering it telling us the dress had been discontinued and they only had size small in stock. Since this slut is most definately not a size small, we were back to square one with only a couple of weeks until our big night. Mistress Faye kindly offered me a smoking hot dress of hers along with the perfect shoes to accessorize.

The thing about these shoes is that they are 5" stiletto heels. I have never worn stilettos before and found myself hobbling around in them when I first tried them on. For those of you who have never worn them, imagine walking on stilts on your tiptoes and you'll have a good picture of what it feels like to attempt to walk in these shoes. It was decided that I was to walk about the bedroom each evening naked for Jay while learning to walk properly in these shoes. Last night we snapped a few pictures of them because they are just too damn hot to wait until the weekend to share with you...

We moved on to the bed and took a few slightly more revealing photos...

As the camera clicked away, I grew more and more aroused...

This led to Jay eventually putting the camera down and inserting his finger inside me. I had my handy dandy vibrating bullet pressed against my clit as he finger fucked me. It buzzed away harder and harder on my clit as his finger slid in and out of me until I was calling out, "Mmmmm, Daddy, Daddy..." as I came so hard my vagina was sore afterwards.

As I was coming down, Jay slipped into the toy bag and brought out the NJoy anal plug. He carefully lubed me up and inserted it into my ass before sliding his cock inside me. He pumped a couple of times before pining my arms down with his as he continued to pump steadily inside me. I wrapped my legs around him and dug the stilettos into his ass as the weight of his body bore down on my wrists pinned to the bed causing a delicious build up of pressure as I struggled against him. I pumped my hips up to meet his as our fucking became increasingly frenzied. I watched his face and listened to his sounds of release as he came inside me.

I can't wait to "practice" learning to walk in my new heels again tonight!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Letter to Master

This letter was waiting for Jay in his email's inbox this morning...

Dearest Master,

I know I was tasked by Mistress Faye to send you a list of activities I would enjoy as your submissive some time ago. I have been a lazy slut in taking 3 weeks to get this list to you. I apologize deeply for this Sir, and submit to any correction you deem fit to prevent such behavior in the future.

I have given much thought to this task Sir. What I desire most is to be pleasing to you. Any guidance you are willing to provide is much appreciated by this submissive, Sir.

One of my deepest desires is to be your pet, Sir. To this end, these are things I would take great pleasure in while serving as your sub Sir:

- I would enjoy a pet pillow designated just for me...soft and plush in texture...hopefully presented as a gift to your pet

- I would enjoy an evening of being directed to remain on this pet pillow ready to serve you at all times. I may even enjoy being made to sleep on this pillow.

- I would enjoy being made to take my meal at your feet (I might also enjoy being made to eat this meal from my own designated food and water bowls). You may decide whether or not I merit utensils for my meal Sir

- I would enjoy being made to simply sit at your feet as you watch TV or go about your normal activities, pausing to stroke my head and offer praise or correction whenever the mood strikes you

- I would enjoy a weekend of being directed to suck your cock whenever you so desire with the further requirement that I must ask at least every 2 hours if you require your cock sucked. I would fully expect to receive punishment should I fail to adhere to this schedule.

-You already know that I adore being led around on all fours by my collar and leash Sir. Perhaps if I am a good girl I might merit a new and different leash from time to time.

-Should the opportunity present itself to find one economically...I would SO love my own dog kennel/cage to be locked up in at your discretion Sir.

- I would enjoy being required to dispense my own punishment from time to time...I swoon at the thought of slapping my breasts with a ruler or slapping off my own clothespins.

I hope you find several or all the items on the list pleasing and appealing to you Sir as my purpose is to serve you.

This sub would make one humble request of you Sir. That request being that we reach an agreement to no longer seek out or invite 3rd parties into our bedroom. It is my desire to serve only you in a sexual manner Master. Should Master desire to see me flogged, spanked, paddled or otherwise disciplined at a party or between friends, I would greatly enjoy serving in this manner, but would respectfully request that sexual service be reserved only for you Master. I realize I am but your lowly submissive who has no control over what service you may require of me, and will do my best to submit to whatever pleases my Master most.

Your Loving Slave,


Monday, October 18, 2010

Toy Review: The Nea by Lelo

I am long overdue in giving you and my dear friend Shelly at Shelly’s Toy Box a review of my latest toy…the Nea by Lelo. If you recall I promised a review of the toy here when recounting our latest fetish party adventure.

Let’s start with the basics…the Nea is a perfectly sized clitoral massager. She comes elegantly packaged in a black box containing the Nea herself, a charger, user manual, one year warranty and a satin pouch for storage. The Nea herself comes in a glossy, porcelain- like finish with your color choice of white, black or pink with a feminine floral design on her backside. One of the features I love about the Lelo products is that they are rechargeable eliminating the need for packs and packs of batteries to keep the fun going. The time required for a full charge is 2 hours with a user time of about 7 hours once fully charged. The LED light will prompt you to charge when the battery is running low by emitting a red sheen when the toy’s buttons are pushed.

The Nea offers 5 stimulation modes…one continuous vibe mode and 4 pulse modes that range from intense to soft, long to short intervals. The user manual provides detailed instructions on how to scroll through the different modes of stimulation.

Now for the good part…what’s it like to play with the Nea? In one word…orgasmic! I love, love, love this toy! I love her for several reasons. The first and most important reason is the sensations she produces on both my clit and vulva. The Nea is shaped such that I can provide stimulation to my clit, while at the same time experiencing pleasant vibration along my lips which makes for quite a wonderful combination of sensations.

I love the way the Nea fits right into my hand and can be easily maneuvered for clit only stimulation or pressed against my clit and lips for dual stimulation. I myself prefer the continuous vibe mode, but probably need to spend more time experimenting with the various pulse modes. I am a girl who likes intense stimulation, and am often not patient enough for the build up of the pulse mode.

The second thing I appreciate about the Nea is the girly design. I love the floral design on the back and the pink color choice I made, although I find the white one quite attractive as well. It’s just more fun to play with a toy that looks so cute!

The third thing I really enjoy about the Nea is her size, and extremely quiet vibrations. The size makes her perfect to slip into a purse or even yours or your partner’s pocket when going out. She is quiet enough to allow for discrete public play if that sort of thing gets your juices flowing!

The only drawback I found at all in the toy was trying to figure out how to scroll through the various pulse modes and then return to the continuous vibe mode, but that probably has more to do with me and my lack of common sense than the toy itself…ha, ha!

Overall, I would highly recommend my little friend the Nea. If you are searching for something small and discrete, yet powerful enough to get the job done right, the Nea is your girl. I give her 10 Big O’s.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Master's Topless Slut

Master had a task for me on my drive home yesterday. A fairly simple one, but really not so simple. Master's directions were that I hike up my dress revealing my garter and stockings, remove my bra and lower the top of my dress leaving me topless from the waist up. I was to drive all the way home in this manner (I was allowed to pull over and pull the dress up before entering our neighborhood), and provide him with pictures both as proof of my obedience, and for his gratification.

I had been given this same order a few weeks ago, and only half-ass complied. I did take off my shirt and bra, and I did drive part of the way topless, snapping a few pics, but less than half way through the drive I put them back on without informing Jay. My mindset has changed since then. While I did NOT want to do this task yesterday, I DID want to please my Master. I reminded myself throughout that this would please him, and felt a rush of pleasure in that.

I snapped a few pics as best I could at red lights and sent them off to him. I was rewarded with replies telling me what a beautiful slave I was.

I began to become a little more comfortable with my toplesseness, sitting up straight, knowing how pleased Master would be if someone witnessed my nakedness. I began to notice the warmth of the sun on my breasts which was arousing.

I must admit however, as I moved into more closely packed traffic, try as I might, I could not prevent myself from drawing my arms inward to shield my breasts. I felt so very exposed and unprotected without Master there with me in the car. I did not however, pull my dress down over my garter, put my bra back on, or pull my dress back up over my breasts until the designated spot Master had given me for doing so. Of this I was very proud and happy to have served Master's exihibionist pleasure.

As I know you, dear reader, would enjoy indulging in a little voyeurism of your own, here are the pics I took for Master:

Monday, October 4, 2010

May We Begin Now?

Jay and I have taken a step back from out headlong plunge into D/s play. We have been re-grouping and rethinking, listening and talking to each other this past week. This re-grouping we have each separately and collectively decided calls for no outside play partners as Jay and I learn and grow in the lifestyle.

We recently had the very good fortune to meet another married couple much more experienced in the lifestyle than us. We met them indirectly through my blog post describing our August fetish party visit as Mon Cherie, who throws the parties, posted a link to the post via her Facebook page. We had the privilege of meeting in person at last month’s party, but really did not get to spend a large amount of time chatting as they were vendors at the event.

My new friend whom I shall call Mistress Faye took pity on me when reading last week’s post. She sent an e-mailed reply and has since taken on a mentoring/teaching type of role for Jay and me.

We are both feeling much better about our path after exchanging some very honest communication both verbally and via letters we each wrote this weekend expressing what we wanted to give and receive from each other via a D/s relationship as well as what our expectations were.

The light bulb moment came for me when realizing in the course of a conversation with Mistress Faye that I had been expecting Jay to simply “know” what to do and say in his dominant role to bring me to that “quivering puddle” state of submission when he was as much of a novice as I was. I didn’t even really give him many hints about what I desired, expecting that as a dominant he should just “know.” I was then disappointed when he didn’t just “know” what to do and assumed I would have to get those needs met in a 2nd dominant.

Until recently our D/s play had been confined to our own bedroom over the past 5 years with a few books for instruction, but no real contact and conversations with real live people experienced in the lifestyle. It seems comical and unfair to me now that I just expected Jay to have it all figured out because he was “naturally dominant.” As my new friend Mistress Faye pointed out, “Was the dominance fairy supposed to just come to him in a dream?”

I am also now able to articulate that much of what I felt was lacking in Jay’s dominance was the psychological aspect. He is quite good at the physical administration of discipline (although there is still much to learn regarding the use of various toys), but I long for that “mind fuck” that also goes along with a D/s relationship.

So we are back to square one, both admitting we have much to learn, both agreeing we want to learn, and grateful our new friends seem willing to offer their help and experience with no hint of any hidden agendas. Although I do need to note that Mistress Faye has very large, full breasts and we all know how I LOVE big boobs, ha, ha!!

This weekend my task from Mistress Faye was simply to adore Jay. I was to find ways to offer to serve him and ask for permission to do so. Fortunately, after some fall clothes shopping for our daughter Saturday morning, the rest of the day was rather open for us.

My Jay had been complaining of foot pain for several days which was made worse by 2.5hours of shopping that morning. I saw an opportunity to serve him and I seized it. I asked if I might massage his foot for him to which he readily assented. He went on to wonder as I rubbed his foot if I still had my foot spa in which he might soak his foot. Without being asked or told to do so, I went upstairs, retrieved the foot spa from our closet and set it up for him as he prepared himself some lunch.

When he had finished lunch, he sat in a chair in front of the spa I had prepared for him. Before beginning, I knelt in front of him, laid my head on his large chest and told him I respected him and wanted to grow in my respect for him even more. I asked Daddy to please allow us to begin again down this path of a D/s relationship.

I was first told I was to address him now as Master rather than Daddy, that only on special occasions would he allow me to address him as Daddy. He then asked if I was willing to obey and submit to him fully as my Master to which I replied whole heartedly that I was. He then gave his permission to engage in our path of D/s once again.

After this, I gently lifted each foot into the warm foot bath I had prepared for him and turned the massaging jets on. After allowing him to soak for a while, I asked if he was ready for his massage. I had obtained lotion the previous evening with a eucalyptus scent I knew he found pleasing in preparation for another service I planned for him that evening. I carefully lifted each foot from the foot bath and dried them off. I then began to massage his feet and legs with the refreshing scented lotion.

I felt a slight throbbing being between my legs as I knelt there serving him. I would have liked to have done it naked, but our son was upstairs in his room and our daughter was off playing with friends, likely to burst in the house at any time. His moans and groans of pleasure were enough to let me know my service was pleasing to him. When the massage was complete I asked for permission to kiss his feet. When granted permission, I leaned over and kissed the top of each foot feeling wholly submissive and worshipful.

That night after our son had gone to spend the night with a friend and our daughter was tucked into bed with all the dogs, I asked Master if I might bathe him. He replied that I could. I had cleaned the tub thoroughly earlier in the day in hopes that he would allow me to service him in this way. I scurried into the bathroom and began to draw the bath water. I then lit some scented candles about the bedroom, removed my gown and waited at the bedroom door for him, naked.

He soon appeared and ordered me to finish the remainder of the bath preparations(gathering his towel and wash cloth, soap and shampoo) on my hands and knees. When the bath was drawn, I crawled to him in the bedroom, knelt before him, unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned and unzipped his shorts, let them fall to the floor, and held them as he stepped out of them. I folded his shorts neatly before asking permission to stand and remove his shirt for him. When this too was folded neatly over his shorts, I crawled on hands and knees to the bathroom as he followed.

When he settled into the tub, I gently poured hot water over his chest and belly. I asked if he was ready for me to wash his hair now. When he indicated I could begin, I tipped his head back and gently poured warm water over his hair. I then lathered and massaged his scalp, moving down to his shoulders for a short massage before tipping his head back and carefully rinsing the shampoo out.

I then moved on to lather the wash cloth and began bathing his body. He reached out to play with my breasts and pierced nipples as I bathed his arms, chest and belly. He then stood in the tub as I remained kneeling beside it to wash his back, buttocks and legs. I gently washed his scrotum and penis, being careful not to linger unnecessarily lest I be perceived to be taking liberties I had not been given permission to take. I then lovingly poured the warm water over his body to rinse him. Finally, I massaged his feet as I lathered and washed them clean. When this was done, I waited at the side of the tub for further instruction or indication that he was ready to leave the tub.

I was told to massage his cock now. I had been eager to do this almost from the moment I began to touch him in the tub. My hand slid under the water, gripped his penis and began to massage. When he had had enough stimulation, he rose indicating he was ready to get out of the tub. I opened the drain, and held his towel out for him to step into before carefully drying his body.

I then crawled into the bedroom and bade him to lie down on the bed for a massage, asking permission to join him on the bed as I knelt beside it. I then crawled onto the bed to straddle his back as I warmed the eucalyptus scented lotion in my hands and began to massage his back and shoulders. I did this diligently for some time as he moaned his pleasure under my hands. I then moved further down to his buttocks and legs. I enjoyed the hard muscular feel of his legs underneath my hands and felt my arousal begin to build.

When I had massaged each leg, I asked him to turn over so that I might massage the front of his body. I massaged his arms, hands and chest before eventually working my way down to those muscular legs again. I spread my legs, taking his leg such that his foot rested against my breasts and belly as I massaged, longing to guide his toes to my throbbing clit, but restraining myself as I remembered my place in serving him.

When the massage was complete, I was ordered to suck his cock which I hopped to eagerly and greedily. I sucked and worshipped his cock, enjoying the sensation of it growing in my mouth until I was told to bend over the bed.

Maser then began soft spanking of my ass coupled with his fingers on my clit. He would build my pleasure while slapping my ass, and then back off. He eventually retrieved a paddle and something else from the sex toy bag. I began to pant and whimper as I got a glance at the paddle, anticipating what was to come.

“I haven’t even touched you yet,” he observed mockingly.

He alternated paddling and slapping my ass with what I would consider light spanking as he worked my clit. This was soon followed by a toy at the entrance to my ass. I am not a big fan of ass play (although I have derived pleasure from it at times) and might well have refused him at this point, but felt in such a submissive state after serving him for a large portion of the day, I wanted to do anything to continue deriving pleasure through serving him.

I pushed back against the toy as directed unable to tell exactly which one it was which increased my anxiety. It felt big… it did not slide easily into my ass. I whimpered and panted as I tried to coax my asshole into receiving it. After gentle encouragement from Master, I did succeed in receiving the toy into my ass. He applied a little more spanking to my ass cheeks before directing me to turn over onto my back.

The toy popped out and I had to re-insert it as Master entered me. It popped out again as he began to thrust into my cunt.

“It won’t stay in,” I whined.

“Well hold it in,” he barked authoritatively as if explaining something plainly obvious to a child.

And so I did. I re-inserted the toy and held it in place as he fucked me hard and good and wet.

After this session we enjoyed a quiet steak dinner for just the two of us complete with champagne.

Our weekend was capped of Sunday afternoon by exchanging our letters we had written to each other explaining what we each wanted to give and receive in our D/s relationship as well as what we expected and needed from each other.

Master required me to remove my clothing and kneel before him as he buckled my collar around my neck. I was then directed to read his letter to me on my knees in front of him. When I had finished, he read mine to him as he towered above me.

I was then ordered to stand and grip my ankles as he took his pleasure with me by fucking my pussy. I felt so submissive in this position…gripping my ankles, bracing my arms against my legs to keep my balance as he thrust harder and harder against me.

I feel that this is a new beginning for us. What had me so distraught and confused last week has proven to be a fortunate occurrence leading Jay and I to finally examine and discuss what we want from D/s play…I want the joy and pleasure of surrendering my power to him physically AND psychologically while he derives pleasure from my adoration as expressed through my obedience to him. We have a much better idea of where we were going astray and how to go about correcting it as well as some nifty new friends to teach us what we can’t learn from books. I feel we are travelling down a path that will ultimately bring us greater satisfaction in our D/s roles, as lovers and ultimately as husband and wife.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Where Do We Go From Here?

Jay and I have come to another impasse in our ever evolving D/s relationship.

To set the stage for how we arrived here…I have had a task from him for a week and a half or two weeks now which I have been quietly deflecting and putting off. It is a very difficult task for me. It involves the two of us going to a particular store. On weeknights when he has called for it I have squirmed out by being too busy with home activities/chores or too tired. Time got away from us this past weekend and I slipped out of the task again.

The task was expected of me again last night which I was passively trying to get out of once again. After our daughter was in bed and our son was in his room studying, Jay took me to our bedroom, had me disrobe and kneel in front of a mirror while he applied the cane to my ass. My head was not in sub mode at all. My responses to his questions were monotone, insolent and irritable. When he finally ordered me to get dressed to go out to complete my task, I fell to the floor whining like a child that I didn’t want to and just couldn’t get in the mood for it.

Jay gave up in frustration. This set the stage for a difficult evening in which we tiptoed around each other, ignoring the elephant in the room.

Jay finally named that elephant as we were parting this morning…I don’t respect him. I didn’t know what to say. I almost cried because I could not deny that he was right. I do absolutely respect him as my husband and life partner. That was not what he meant at all. What he meant, and what I couldn’t deny was that I don’t respect him as my dominant…as my alpha dominant in a station far above anyone else we might bestow the honor of entering into play with me.

I pondered and pondered this all morning and finally discussed with Jay via text (we were both at work and I just couldn’t let it wait all day) the things I had found in my head…

I admitted that he was correct that I did not respect him as I should in his role of ultimate dominance over me. There was no point in denying what we both knew to be the truth.

I went on to explain the reasons I believe I lack this respect. It is my perception that dominance in this context (D/s) is not necessarily something that he is naturally drawn to. It is an interesting phenomenon as Jay’s overall personality if very dominant. He is a confident problem solver and leader both in his professional and family life. It is this quality that first attracted me to him. I feel safe and taken care of in his presence.

Yet it is my belief that we came to the D/s experimentation and crept further and further into the lifestyle via my leadership. I feel that it is something he has developed an interest in to please and satisfy me (I am grateful and fortunate to have a husband so willing to please me and meet my needs), but not something he naturally needs or desires on his own. This perception of mine leads to a lesser intensity level than what I experienced with “Joe” and most definitely what I experienced with “Headmaster.”

The other piece to the puzzle of my lack of respect in this context is the fact that Jay is my husband. It is difficult for me to switch the D/s dynamic on and off when we share every facet of our life together. Unlike with a playmate, I can’t just compartmentalize our relationship into just sex or just D/s. The fact that he is my husband also means I know his limits because I know him intimately in so many different ways. The fear factor and element of the uncertain is in general not high with him (and really, should it be? Should I actually fear my husband?) thus also lowering the level of respect I can extend.

We have had problems lately with playmates or potential playmates simply disappearing into thin air which has frustrated me. I currently have not heard from Headmaster in two weeks. I would have expected to have heard from him late last week or this past weekend, but I did not which leads me to suspect he may be yet another casualty.

Part of this is just the nature of the relationship we seek…something fun with no commitments or strings attached on anyone’s part. It is easy to have a little fun and simply move on to the next encounter without even bothering to tell us they have moved on. This is not what Jay and I are seeking, and perhaps we have not been careful enough in our selection of playmates or explained thoroughly enough what we are looking for in a playmate.

However, I also expressed to Jay that another reason I suspect this is happening is him. He encourages my seeking out dominant playmates but then often seems to become jealous or overly controlling once I find someone who catches my interest and we begin to communicate. Two dominant men and one submissive woman does seem like a recipe for strife to me. Is it possible to make it work?

Jay becomes upset when he perceives boundaries being over stepped, especially when he is not kept informed of what is being asked of me by the playmate (literally he desires that either said playmate or myself communicate with him at the exact same time we are communicating with each other keeping him abreast of all that is being required of me) or when permission is not asked for certain tasks… remember this recent post?

I am not suggesting that these are necessarily unreasonable things for him to require as I am his wife and he is allowing another man the privilege of playing with me, but it also does not escape my attention that by his very nature a dominant man is not accustomed to asking for permission for anything form anyone. The dichotomy of two dominants and one submissive is one I am uncertain we can bridge.

Submission is something I crave with a passion. I am 40 years old and realistically only going to be sexually attractive to men other than my husband for another 5 years or so give or take a few years. I had almost no sexual experience before I met Jay. I only began exploring my submissive desires about 5 years ago. They have only grown stronger with time. I fear if we don’t manage to make this work in a way that pleases both of us and meets each of our needs, I will never experience a D/s relationship at the deeper level I desire. Don’t misunderstand me…I am not subtly hinting I want a D/s relationship that does not include my husband. What I want is a more intense D/s relationship, and yes, I do want a playmate.

Jay’s response to all this…

He cannot and will not tolerate my lack of respect. He realized recently the game I have been playing…that I have been performing many things under the guise of it being for him when It was really more in an effort to please Headmaster. This little game shows a lack of respect for him and his role which will not be tolerated. I didn’t bother denying the truth, but did feel some respect growing for him that he was not blind to this.

He went on to say his issue has been with me all along and not the playmates we have found. His jealousy and need to control come in when he feels I am not showing him the proper respect as my primary dominant by keeping him fully informed of my communications and tasks form a secondary dominant and requesting permission to perform these tasks.

He further informed me my respect and desire to please will be with him first; that unless or until I demonstrate this respect we will cease all play with any others. If I wish to demonstrate this respect and enter back into this world I will prostrate myself before him and beg for the privilege.

I must say these words and the power and confidence displayed in them did increase my respect for him.

Can we work through everything to make this work for both of us? I am not certain at the moment. I very much hope so. We did end our conversation exchanging “I love you’s” and “we will work this out.”

I wish we knew other married couples in the lifestyle who could share with us their feelings and how they make it work. I believe if we can get it right our sex life and marriage will be greatly enriched for it, and so does he.

The questions I am left with…how do we proceed from here? Why can’t I give Jay my full respect without which I can never fully submit to him? How does he learn to be more dominant? Is it something one can even learn, or just something one naturally does or does not posses? Can D/s relationships within the context of a marriage work, and if so how? Where does each of us need to bend and grow if we truly desire to make it work? Are we asking too much of each other? Is it best that I simply suppress my submissive desires if I can’t submit to him and return us to a more conventional, vanilla sex life? Am I selfish if the prospect of doing that depresses me?

Monday, September 27, 2010

More Fun With Fetish Parties

This past Saturday Jay and I had the good fortune to attend another one of Mon Cherie's festish parties like this one we attended last month. We had been looking forward to it for several weeks. I will recount the majority of the evening for you in picture form.

We dropped the kids off with their grandparents and had a glorious 24 hours to ourselves.

The evening saw me starting out with this as my under attire...

Jay was keen to have me show off my nipple piercings, so I was required to wear this outfit to the party to accomplish just that task...

We happened to see hoola hoop girl(she can be seen in the post recounting last month's fetish party) out on the patio where she was watching a little show with other folks, and having some pictures taken. I mentioned to Jay that I wish I could take some photos with her. The next thing I know, he has made the request and she and I are taking some naughty, fun photos together. I have always been ambivalent about whether or not I would enjoy being dominated by a woman. While there was no real domination going on here beyond posing for photos, there was enough for me to get a good idea that I would very much enjoy being dominated by the right type of woman...my dear Gracie comes to mind whom I have had a crush on for a very long time.

Of course there were also shows for tantalizing and teasing other than me getting all giddy taking pictures with Hoola Hoop girl...

There was also plenty of dancing...

I must also sheepishly admit that I got quite a bit more intoxicated on this evening than I normally do. I normally have nothing more than a good buzz going both because these events are so much more fun to experience sober and because I am 40 years old and too damn old to deal with the after effects of too much drinking especially when I have children I have to get up and take care of the next day. I only had 2 drinks at the party, but they were apparently stronger than normal...combine that with the margaritas we had at dinner 3 or 4 hours before, and you have a recipe for me to be sitting on a sofa in the corner of the bar letting Jay take these pictures by the end of the evening...

Very naughty behavior even for this setting! The toy you see in my hand is my latest toy from my friend Shelly that I will be reviewing soon.

We also met some new friends and bought a really divine smelling massage candle.

Overall, it was a great evening. Our next planned outing is a Halloween fetish party the weekend before Halloween. We are looking forward to another great time!