Last week was a difficult yet enlightening one for me. Circumstances forced me to get honest with myself and let go of a long cherished fantasy. I don't care to share what that fantasy was except to say it was one that brought a great deal of joy and pleasure to my life and another until it became unhealthy.
The funny thing is, I believed I had let go of this fantasy some time ago only to be hit in the gut with the realization that I hadn't loosened my grip on it nearly as much as I wanted to believe. I was confronted with the stark realization that I had lived for years and was still living with the hope of making my fantasy work without injury to myself or others. I did a good job of convincing myself that I could control myself, but this relationship was not like the others that I could take or leave. It never would be because my heart was wrapped up in it and it always would be no matter how hard I tried to tell myself otherwise.
The realization was quite a shock to me. I had done a marvelous job of lying to myself with the noble intent of soothing what hurt while all along nurturing the hope that still nested in my heart.
The result of all this is a swirl of feelings and emotions. I find myself grieving the loss of something dear to me all over again. I found myself unable to control tears I had not shed for this fantasy for years as it disintegrated before me once and for all.
While at the same time experiencing a great sense of relief that I could finally free myself and another from this desire that did not serve. I felt a sense of gratitude that I was finally forced to be brutally honest with myself about this secret hope that still lived in my heart and the fact that it simply could not be.
I would like to say I am at peace with this loss now, but I am not there yet. What I feel is a certain sense of emptiness. What I feel is fear for how I will replace something that had occupied a large space in my heart for many years. While enjoying a sense of release with letting this fantasy go, I also feel a great deal of sadness to see it die. Although a source of great pain when I allowed it to swirl out of control, it was also a source of great happiness and intense desire in my life. How do you replace something like that?
I have an overwhelming sense,however that this is a new beginning for me. Holding onto the hope of this fantasy whether I was concious of doing so or not, kept me stuck in the same place in my life as I waited for the past to be reborn. As for the empty space I spoke of, I am fully aware now that I have tried to fill this space not only with this particular fantasy, but with a vast array of people, things, and habits (some healthy, some decidely unhealthy) none of which ever completely did the trick simply because they were never meant for that purpose. I recognize now that no person(not even Jay or my children) or thing or habit is ever going to be big enough to fill it. A truth I have only recently come to accept as fact. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that only something much Bigger offers what I seek to fill that space.
While wistful at letting go of the past, I also look forward to a new beginning with a deeper understanding of who I am and where I've been. I feel grateful to have been loved so well in my life both past and present by romantic partners, friends and family. I am content to understand that just because someone cannot offer their love to you in the form you would most desire, doesn't make it any less real for you or for them.
I can find peace in acceptance that I don't always know what's best for myself, my desires are sometimes not ones which would serve me most. If I will get out of the way, and allow it, there is a Force greater than myself that does know how to find my greater good and will lead me to it. I am grateful to all those He places along my path (some of them read this blog and know who they are) to help me find my way there.