My breast pump arrived on Saturday!!! I was giddy with anticipation until I had the opportunity to use it later that afternoon. It was quite an experience.
I pressed the cone shaped cup to my breast, turned on the pump and felt the familiar tug at my nipple that I recalled from some 9 years ago. Colostrum almost immediately began to trickle out of my nipple. I take that as a good sign that I might eventually have some success with convincing my body to lactate again. Jay also found a tea it is recommended that I drink.
I relaxed and enjoyed the sucking and tugging at my nipple by the pump as Jay lay on the bed with me and watched. After 15 minutes I switched to the other breast, my first breast leaking little droplets of colostrum from the nipple.
As the pump began its tugging at my second breast, Jay handed me my egg and suggested I pleasure myself as the pump did its work. I closed my eyes, the pump sucking at my nipple, the egg vibrating against my clit and imagined Jay and my Hot Englishman each lying alongside me, eagerly sucking milk that was flowing freely from my breasts. I imagined feeling each of their hard cocks pressed against my thighs. I imagined my breasts shooting out streams of milk as they each stroked their cocks over me until their ribbons of cum entwined with the milk pouring from my breasts. Turned on beyond restriant, I felt my cunt begin to spasm as orgasm washed over me in wave after wave. I panted and groaned as the spasms subsided and the pump continued to suck at my tit.
I had the insane idea implanted in my head the other day of experiencing an orgasm at the same time as milk letdown. It seems like more pleasure than I could endure at once, but I am more than eager to give it a try.
Showing posts with label general. Show all posts
Showing posts with label general. Show all posts
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
My Secret Fetish
I have secretly harbored a slightly unusual fetish for some time which I was hesitant to even share with Jay for a while. My secret fetish is a lactation fetish. Let me explain before you decide I am a complete freak!!
I nursed our daughter when she was an infant which was not a sexual thing at all. It was a wonderfully close, loving, bonding experience that I wish every woman could enjoy. There is however a certain sort of physical pleasure that goes along with all the hormones and what is happening in your body as you lactate. Just before one’s milk lets down there is a rush of relaxation and pleasure that courses through your entire body just for a few seconds that I imagine is a lesser version of what it might feel like to take a hit of heroin. A few seconds after that your breasts and nipples begin to tingle strongly as your milk lets down into the milk ducts and begins to flow. Any woman who has ever breast fed her child and tells you she never experienced this is lying because she is ashamed to admit it. Its biology…it’s how our bodies work, but it can also be disturbing because it involves your child so you just push it all to the back of your mind and enjoy the bonding feelings you experience with your new baby. The entire process is controlled largely by the hormone oxytocin which also just happens to be dubbed the “love hormone.” It’s what helps us feel that love and maternal bond as we nurse our newborn child, and part of the way it does this is by bringing us intense feelings of relaxation and yes, even pleasure.
Of course once my daughter outgrew the need to breastfeed I just assumed that phase of my life was over and that was that. However, certain medications I have taken have strangely intermittently caused that exact same “AHHHHH” feeling of pleasure and relaxation followed by the tingling in my breasts of the let down reflex although with no actual milk since my body was not actually lactating. This got me thinking about those feelings again, and the more I thought about them, the more I wanted to experience them again
I eventually shared this with Jay who was hesitant at first as it is a bit odd. However, the more we talked and fantasized about it over the years, the more turned on we each became. We fantasize about him suckling me, milk squirting into his mouth and running down his chin, we fantasize about milk shooting out of my tits as he fucks me. I see it mostly as pleasure and bonding between Jay and I,an avenue that could bring us even closer together;however, it can also very nicely fit into our D/s interests. One of my favorite fantasies of all is being milked like a cow. Tied up, forcefully milked as I moan in pleasure. In the D/s world this is known as “forced lactation” and is generally seen as a means of humiliation. I have always been the type of submissive turned on by certain types of humiliation. Don’t call me a fat ass or a worthless slut unless you want me to emotionally crumple in front of you, but DO lead me around by leash and collar on all fours, have me drink from a doggie bowl, lick the toilet OR be forcefully milked if you want me to be a dripping wet submissive worshipping at your feet.
Today I actually did something about this fantasy. I bought a breast pump!!! I have no idea what happened to the one I used to have when I was nursing so I found a great deal for a small electric breast pump. I feel quite confident that with sufficient pumping 4 or 5 times a day I can lactate again. My body was very good at it before. The hardest part will be the scheduling in of time for such an endeavor, but I am determined to do it.
For the rewards are great…
I nursed our daughter when she was an infant which was not a sexual thing at all. It was a wonderfully close, loving, bonding experience that I wish every woman could enjoy. There is however a certain sort of physical pleasure that goes along with all the hormones and what is happening in your body as you lactate. Just before one’s milk lets down there is a rush of relaxation and pleasure that courses through your entire body just for a few seconds that I imagine is a lesser version of what it might feel like to take a hit of heroin. A few seconds after that your breasts and nipples begin to tingle strongly as your milk lets down into the milk ducts and begins to flow. Any woman who has ever breast fed her child and tells you she never experienced this is lying because she is ashamed to admit it. Its biology…it’s how our bodies work, but it can also be disturbing because it involves your child so you just push it all to the back of your mind and enjoy the bonding feelings you experience with your new baby. The entire process is controlled largely by the hormone oxytocin which also just happens to be dubbed the “love hormone.” It’s what helps us feel that love and maternal bond as we nurse our newborn child, and part of the way it does this is by bringing us intense feelings of relaxation and yes, even pleasure.
Of course once my daughter outgrew the need to breastfeed I just assumed that phase of my life was over and that was that. However, certain medications I have taken have strangely intermittently caused that exact same “AHHHHH” feeling of pleasure and relaxation followed by the tingling in my breasts of the let down reflex although with no actual milk since my body was not actually lactating. This got me thinking about those feelings again, and the more I thought about them, the more I wanted to experience them again
I eventually shared this with Jay who was hesitant at first as it is a bit odd. However, the more we talked and fantasized about it over the years, the more turned on we each became. We fantasize about him suckling me, milk squirting into his mouth and running down his chin, we fantasize about milk shooting out of my tits as he fucks me. I see it mostly as pleasure and bonding between Jay and I,an avenue that could bring us even closer together;however, it can also very nicely fit into our D/s interests. One of my favorite fantasies of all is being milked like a cow. Tied up, forcefully milked as I moan in pleasure. In the D/s world this is known as “forced lactation” and is generally seen as a means of humiliation. I have always been the type of submissive turned on by certain types of humiliation. Don’t call me a fat ass or a worthless slut unless you want me to emotionally crumple in front of you, but DO lead me around by leash and collar on all fours, have me drink from a doggie bowl, lick the toilet OR be forcefully milked if you want me to be a dripping wet submissive worshipping at your feet.
Today I actually did something about this fantasy. I bought a breast pump!!! I have no idea what happened to the one I used to have when I was nursing so I found a great deal for a small electric breast pump. I feel quite confident that with sufficient pumping 4 or 5 times a day I can lactate again. My body was very good at it before. The hardest part will be the scheduling in of time for such an endeavor, but I am determined to do it.
For the rewards are great…
Monday, November 21, 2011
My Life in Dreams
I had a dream last night about someone I was in love with, but have not thought about in quite some time. I guess my subconscious must have been thinking about him for a while though! It was a very vivid dream. One of those that spills over into your waking time the next day, and clouds the whole day with thoughts, feelings and memories of that person.
Today I am stuck in the past paying tribute to the ghost of my former love. Sometimes when I have vivid dreams like this about someone I knew its effects are gone within a day, while other times they can linger for several days. I can’t help but ask myself if there is something my subconscious is trying to work out about this man. My conscious mind is 100% certain that it has accepted this person's absence from my life and is fine with it, but my subconcious seems to have something more to say on the matter. I don’t care to share the details of the dream as they are intensely personal and fraught with feeling, but many aspects of it seem to have clearly been my subconscious sorting through feelings and longings.
Funny how there are just some people who never leave our hearts no matter how long the actual physical relationship itself has been over.
Today I am stuck in the past paying tribute to the ghost of my former love. Sometimes when I have vivid dreams like this about someone I knew its effects are gone within a day, while other times they can linger for several days. I can’t help but ask myself if there is something my subconscious is trying to work out about this man. My conscious mind is 100% certain that it has accepted this person's absence from my life and is fine with it, but my subconcious seems to have something more to say on the matter. I don’t care to share the details of the dream as they are intensely personal and fraught with feeling, but many aspects of it seem to have clearly been my subconscious sorting through feelings and longings.
Funny how there are just some people who never leave our hearts no matter how long the actual physical relationship itself has been over.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
His Kiss
The first time you kissed me popped into my mind today out of the blue, and I found myself relaxing into the erotic, yet also now nostalgic memories.
When your lips first met mine my first thought was that they were like no other lips I had ever kissed before. Their overriding sensation was that of fullness. They caressed my own lips like a soft, warm pillow. As your tongue darted into my mouth, I sighed, my hands going to the back of your head, my knees buckling ever so slightly. All sense of time or our surroundings was lost to me.
Soon after I found myself on a bed beneath you, both of us fully clothed, writhing around with a burning desire for you. My mind’s eye can still see us...my legs entwined with yours, your cock pressing hard and insistent against my thigh through your jeans, my hands in your hair, our lips feverishly locked together as I paused to breathe into your mouth, “I want this so much,” followed quickly by my frenzied tugging at your shirt, desperate for skin on skin contact. My crotch is moist and swollen even all these years later as I savor the memory of those moments with you.
When our desire had been satisfied for the moment, what heavenly small little kisses we exchanged, our tongues darting gently in and out of each others mouth as we lay face to face, and I found myself mesmerized by your stunning green eyes.
I recall at some point later, standing on my tiptoes to better reach your lips as I kissed you in my stocking feet, deeply aroused by your superior height and strength as you lifted me off my feet for an embrace. We delayed the inevitable as long as possible as we stood there kissing and touching one another.
Even all these years later, when that time in our lives has long been put to bed, despite the things that may not have gone right between us, your kiss is a warm and cozy memory forever filed in my brain and etched on my heart.
When your lips first met mine my first thought was that they were like no other lips I had ever kissed before. Their overriding sensation was that of fullness. They caressed my own lips like a soft, warm pillow. As your tongue darted into my mouth, I sighed, my hands going to the back of your head, my knees buckling ever so slightly. All sense of time or our surroundings was lost to me.
Soon after I found myself on a bed beneath you, both of us fully clothed, writhing around with a burning desire for you. My mind’s eye can still see us...my legs entwined with yours, your cock pressing hard and insistent against my thigh through your jeans, my hands in your hair, our lips feverishly locked together as I paused to breathe into your mouth, “I want this so much,” followed quickly by my frenzied tugging at your shirt, desperate for skin on skin contact. My crotch is moist and swollen even all these years later as I savor the memory of those moments with you.
When our desire had been satisfied for the moment, what heavenly small little kisses we exchanged, our tongues darting gently in and out of each others mouth as we lay face to face, and I found myself mesmerized by your stunning green eyes.
I recall at some point later, standing on my tiptoes to better reach your lips as I kissed you in my stocking feet, deeply aroused by your superior height and strength as you lifted me off my feet for an embrace. We delayed the inevitable as long as possible as we stood there kissing and touching one another.
Even all these years later, when that time in our lives has long been put to bed, despite the things that may not have gone right between us, your kiss is a warm and cozy memory forever filed in my brain and etched on my heart.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Loyalty
No words are needed for this photo, but I’ll give you the story that goes with it… John Tumlison was a Navy SEAL who was killed in Afghanistan on Aug 6 when a rocket-propelled grenade took out a U.S. helicopter. He was mourned at a service in Rockford, Iowa recently. His dog, Hawkeye, was such an important part of his life that he was present at the service as well. When Tumlison’s friend walked to the front of the room to speak, dear Hawkeye followed him and dutifully laid down near his Master's casket.
I cannot get this image out of my mind since I saw it this morning. It is such a testament to what wonderful, loving, loyal animals dogs are,that they do form strong bonds with their humans, and that they can and do mourn the loss of a loved one. I am blessed to share my home with 4 of these amazing creatures!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
New Jewlery
I had to have my annual mammogram today. The inconvenient part about this is that I had to go down to the tattoo shop where I had my nipples pierced and have them remove my hoops and install plastic "filler" bars before going for the mammogram. Jay offered to remove them for me, however, the way these hoops are set up requires bending the metal hoop just wide enough with a pair of pliers to remove the metal ball in the middle holding everything together. I love my Jay, but in all honesty, I didn't trust him not to slip up and cause me unspeakable pain!!
The good part about this is that after the mammogram, I went back to the shop, purchased these lovely new hoops with glittery, dangly hearts, and had them placed back into my nipple piercing. I feel so sexy this evening with my new adornments!
The good part about this is that after the mammogram, I went back to the shop, purchased these lovely new hoops with glittery, dangly hearts, and had them placed back into my nipple piercing. I feel so sexy this evening with my new adornments!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Another of Life's Embarrassing Moments
I was in a fender bender car accident last Tuesday. Although I managed to keep my cool, I was highly pissed off at the time. One because it caused my daughter to miss the horse riding lesson we were on our way to attend, and because this particular car was brand new to me! I hadn’t even made the first damn payment on it yet when this guy rear ended me as I was yielding to make a right hand turn.
A little over a month ago my piece of crap car finally bit the dust for good. I was hoping and praying it would make it two more years until Jay’s car was paid off, but it wasn’t to be. So Jay and I set off one Saturday about a month ago in search of a car for me with a sinking feeling in the pit of our stomach’s knowing what we could afford at the moment would likely be another piece of crap. Turns out God was listening as I prayed all the way to the first dealership as we happened upon an incredible deal on a used vehicle with rather low mileage that checked out with our mechanic at a price we could live with. While a 2005 model, this is the nicest damn car I have ever owned…leather seats, heated seats, DVD player for my daughter, 3rd row seating, and a whole host of other features too numerous to mention.
I am getting off topic here. The point of my story lies in the fact that I had a slightly sore neck and shoulders after my rear end collision. My daughter was and is perfectly fine thank goodness, and I am perfectly fine now as well. However, at the time, my neck and shoulders were a little sore. After some coaxing and bullying by Jay and one of his best friends, I was convinced to go to the doctor to have it checked out and documented in case it grew worse over the next few days.
Part of this checking out procedure of course involved X- rays. The X -ray technician had me disrobe in a little cubicle and instructed me to remove my earrings. As I was doing this I realized I had the rings in my pierced nipples. I pondered whether or not I needed to tell her, and finally decided that I did. I mean, what if the X- ray was going to rip the rings from my nipples, right?
I sheepishly said to her as I entered the X- ray room, “This is a little embarrassing, but I have my nipples pierced as well.”
She looks at me in a confused manner for a beat and says, “Can you remove them?”
Now feeling even more embarrassed, I reply, “No, I can’t. They are a locked sort of ring that I can’t remove on my own.”
She replies, “All right. It’s ok then.”
I had to make sure I was not in great peril by stating, “I was afraid the X- ray might do something horrible like rip them out,” as I laughed nervously.
She laughed as if I was an idiot and replied, “Oh no, it won’t do anything like that, honey.”
So we continued with the X-rays, and all was going well until she had me lying on the table taking X-rays of my back and exclaimed, “Boy that’s a big belly button ring you have.”
In my worry over the nipple rings I had forgotten all about the navel piercing which is dangly and rather large. I wanted to crawl under the table at this point.
“I’m sorry. I forgot all about that,” I laughed.
“Can you take that off?” she asks.
“Yes, I can,” I reply as I fumble to lift my gown while not letting her see I am not wearing panties and remove the belly ring. At this point, I am starting to hate my husband and his friend for making me come have this done, ha ha!! The only thing that redeemed the trip was the good drugs they prescribed me for the pain!
She then must retake several X-rays as I now understand why they ask you to remove all jewelry when having an X-ray. Not because it will rip the metal from your body as any idiot should know, but because it can block the radiologist’s view of the area of your body they are trying to examine in the X-ray.
I’m having a mammogram in a few days. Would you be surprised if I told you I have already made an appointment at the tattoo shop to have the nipple rings taken out for me and then put back in when I am done?!!
A little over a month ago my piece of crap car finally bit the dust for good. I was hoping and praying it would make it two more years until Jay’s car was paid off, but it wasn’t to be. So Jay and I set off one Saturday about a month ago in search of a car for me with a sinking feeling in the pit of our stomach’s knowing what we could afford at the moment would likely be another piece of crap. Turns out God was listening as I prayed all the way to the first dealership as we happened upon an incredible deal on a used vehicle with rather low mileage that checked out with our mechanic at a price we could live with. While a 2005 model, this is the nicest damn car I have ever owned…leather seats, heated seats, DVD player for my daughter, 3rd row seating, and a whole host of other features too numerous to mention.
I am getting off topic here. The point of my story lies in the fact that I had a slightly sore neck and shoulders after my rear end collision. My daughter was and is perfectly fine thank goodness, and I am perfectly fine now as well. However, at the time, my neck and shoulders were a little sore. After some coaxing and bullying by Jay and one of his best friends, I was convinced to go to the doctor to have it checked out and documented in case it grew worse over the next few days.
Part of this checking out procedure of course involved X- rays. The X -ray technician had me disrobe in a little cubicle and instructed me to remove my earrings. As I was doing this I realized I had the rings in my pierced nipples. I pondered whether or not I needed to tell her, and finally decided that I did. I mean, what if the X- ray was going to rip the rings from my nipples, right?
I sheepishly said to her as I entered the X- ray room, “This is a little embarrassing, but I have my nipples pierced as well.”
She looks at me in a confused manner for a beat and says, “Can you remove them?”
Now feeling even more embarrassed, I reply, “No, I can’t. They are a locked sort of ring that I can’t remove on my own.”
She replies, “All right. It’s ok then.”
I had to make sure I was not in great peril by stating, “I was afraid the X- ray might do something horrible like rip them out,” as I laughed nervously.
She laughed as if I was an idiot and replied, “Oh no, it won’t do anything like that, honey.”
So we continued with the X-rays, and all was going well until she had me lying on the table taking X-rays of my back and exclaimed, “Boy that’s a big belly button ring you have.”
In my worry over the nipple rings I had forgotten all about the navel piercing which is dangly and rather large. I wanted to crawl under the table at this point.
“I’m sorry. I forgot all about that,” I laughed.
“Can you take that off?” she asks.
“Yes, I can,” I reply as I fumble to lift my gown while not letting her see I am not wearing panties and remove the belly ring. At this point, I am starting to hate my husband and his friend for making me come have this done, ha ha!! The only thing that redeemed the trip was the good drugs they prescribed me for the pain!
She then must retake several X-rays as I now understand why they ask you to remove all jewelry when having an X-ray. Not because it will rip the metal from your body as any idiot should know, but because it can block the radiologist’s view of the area of your body they are trying to examine in the X-ray.
I’m having a mammogram in a few days. Would you be surprised if I told you I have already made an appointment at the tattoo shop to have the nipple rings taken out for me and then put back in when I am done?!!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Stronger
Every time I hear this song by Sara Evans I am always reminded of a time in my life that doesn't seem as long ago as it actually was. It takes me back to the seemingly endless parade of days that I "woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain/but I brushed my teeth anyway/I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face." I am instantly transported to all the mornings and afternoons I cried the entire trip back and forth to work because it provided the most privacy for letting myself cry, then tried to fix my face so no one would know I had been crying when I arrived at my destination.
The message of this song, however, is the resiliency of the human heart. It reminds us that with enough time we all can and do get over the pain of heartbreak. Some of us take just weeks or months while others of us, like me, take years. The message I want to convey here is that I am not only just a little bit stronger, but completely done with the grieving and "what if's" of letting go. If you need to hear this message, you know who you are. Believe me when I say it has happened. I hope it brings a smile to your face.
As the song says, "I know my heart will never be the same..." but that doesn't mean it is incapable of healing and moving on. I believe I posted several posts back that I recently told Jay I feel happier than I think I ever have in my life. I honestly don't know exactly why, but I also have no desire to question it.
My life feels full and meaningful again...more meaningful than it ever has. I am more in love with my husband than I have ever been. More in love even than the day I married him. As an added bonus, I feel attractive and sexy again which translates to a wonderful sex life again for Jay and I!
I am filled with energy and enthusiasm both for my job and several volunteer opportunities I have been meaning to pursue for a long time. It seems that life is good after 40 when you finally start to figure out who the hell you are, and discover that she's a pretty cool chick!
Carpe Diem, my friends!
The message of this song, however, is the resiliency of the human heart. It reminds us that with enough time we all can and do get over the pain of heartbreak. Some of us take just weeks or months while others of us, like me, take years. The message I want to convey here is that I am not only just a little bit stronger, but completely done with the grieving and "what if's" of letting go. If you need to hear this message, you know who you are. Believe me when I say it has happened. I hope it brings a smile to your face.
As the song says, "I know my heart will never be the same..." but that doesn't mean it is incapable of healing and moving on. I believe I posted several posts back that I recently told Jay I feel happier than I think I ever have in my life. I honestly don't know exactly why, but I also have no desire to question it.
My life feels full and meaningful again...more meaningful than it ever has. I am more in love with my husband than I have ever been. More in love even than the day I married him. As an added bonus, I feel attractive and sexy again which translates to a wonderful sex life again for Jay and I!
I am filled with energy and enthusiasm both for my job and several volunteer opportunities I have been meaning to pursue for a long time. It seems that life is good after 40 when you finally start to figure out who the hell you are, and discover that she's a pretty cool chick!
Carpe Diem, my friends!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Health Update
For those of you who may be interested, I have a health update for you. I was sent to a gastroenterologist on Thursday with the idea I may need to have an endoscopy procedure. This is a rather unpleasant sounding procedure in which the doctor places a tube with a camera on the end of it down your esophagus into your stomach to look mainly for ulcers and take a small biopsy.
I was greatly relieved to hear from the gastroenterologist that he did not feel I needed that procedure at this time. After going over all my records and tests from the ER and my primary doctor and with the sudden onset of my symptoms, he seemed to be in agreement with the ER doctor that the ibuprofen had caused small ulcerations in the lining of my stomach. He said these ulcers can take 2-4 weeks to heal completely, and he has known a few patients who took several months to get 100% back to normal. The medications I was given by my primary doctor on Monday will aid in my stomach's healing and help control the nausea. He made a follow up phone appointment with me in 3 weeks at which time he said he was confident all my symptoms would be gone.
I only managed to work a day and a half this week. As of today's writing on Saturday I am greatly improved from last week but still definately having some pain, nausea, and fatigue issues. My children and I did some volunteer work this morning at the local animal shelter and I am so exhausted now I will likely be in bed for most of the rest of the day.
I have always known that doctors caution you on the use of ibuprofen and the stomach upset it can cause for some people, but NEVER dreamed it could do this to me. I was taking prescription strength which is 800 mg 3 times a day. Just for comparison, over the counter ibuprofen is only 200 mg/ tablet so it is a significant difference. The funny thing is that I have taken presciption strength before for an ankle injury when I first started running a few years ago, and had no ill effects whatsoever. As much as I hate to say this, perhaps age plays a factor here. It does seem that once you turn 40 your body begins to fall apart...LOL.
I am relieved to know nothing is seriously wrong with me, but impatient to get back to 100% and all my normal activites.
I was greatly relieved to hear from the gastroenterologist that he did not feel I needed that procedure at this time. After going over all my records and tests from the ER and my primary doctor and with the sudden onset of my symptoms, he seemed to be in agreement with the ER doctor that the ibuprofen had caused small ulcerations in the lining of my stomach. He said these ulcers can take 2-4 weeks to heal completely, and he has known a few patients who took several months to get 100% back to normal. The medications I was given by my primary doctor on Monday will aid in my stomach's healing and help control the nausea. He made a follow up phone appointment with me in 3 weeks at which time he said he was confident all my symptoms would be gone.
I only managed to work a day and a half this week. As of today's writing on Saturday I am greatly improved from last week but still definately having some pain, nausea, and fatigue issues. My children and I did some volunteer work this morning at the local animal shelter and I am so exhausted now I will likely be in bed for most of the rest of the day.
I have always known that doctors caution you on the use of ibuprofen and the stomach upset it can cause for some people, but NEVER dreamed it could do this to me. I was taking prescription strength which is 800 mg 3 times a day. Just for comparison, over the counter ibuprofen is only 200 mg/ tablet so it is a significant difference. The funny thing is that I have taken presciption strength before for an ankle injury when I first started running a few years ago, and had no ill effects whatsoever. As much as I hate to say this, perhaps age plays a factor here. It does seem that once you turn 40 your body begins to fall apart...LOL.
I am relieved to know nothing is seriously wrong with me, but impatient to get back to 100% and all my normal activites.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Poor Sick Mimi
I need to whine for a moment so bear with me, dear reader. I have been horribly ill for a week now during mine and Jay's stay at home vacation no less!!
I had been having ear pain for about a week and a half which continued to worsen until it was so unbearable last Wednesday that I finally went to the doctor. My doctor diagnosed me with TMJ which is an inflammation of the jaw joint and surrounding muscles. I was given presciption ibuprofen to take 3 times a day and told to call if it did not improve. After suffering horrible pain the rest of that day and night I called the next morning to ask for something stronger for the pain.
Here comes my rant on HMO's which is our only available insurance choice via Jay's employer. I called their main number, explained my need and was then transferred to a nurse in a call center where I explained my need again. I was told a message would be sent to my doctor and they would contact me. Two hours later when we had had no return call, Jay called. He was connected to the nurse call center yet again and explained his wife was in horrible pain, neither of us had slept for much of the night and I really needed some additional pain relief. Do you know what this nurse had the audacity to say to him?
"I have sent a message to her doctor, Sir. He has 24-48 hours to get back with you."
I was stunned at the callousness of someone in a supposedly caring profession. Jay was FURIOUS! He then asked to be connected to the person in charge of the center. The extremly unhelpful nurse places Jay on hold for close to 5 minutes then returns to say she is connecting him and proceeds to connect him to a fucking voice mail! At this point, Jay is about to explode with anger.
He calls back explains the whole damn problem again and tells the nurse on the other end that he will NOT be connected to a voice mail, he MUST speak with a person. After a good 30 minutes on the phone we FINALLY get my doctor. I explain to him my pain and he gives me a prescription for Lortab and advises me to continue with the ibuprofen as well for the inflammation. By Friday my ear pain was all but resolved, but my health saga does not end there. I now had an even more serious problem which has still not resolved itself.
I awoke in the middle of the night last Thursday with horrible stomach pain. The pain continued nearly non stop until I was in tears and finally had Jay take me to the ER about 11:30 Friday evening. They thankfully gave me IV pain and anti-nausea medication which brought me relief at the time. They did blood tests and ruled out their most serious concern of a problem with my pancreas. The doctor seemed to feel I was suffering gastritis due to the ibuprofen the last couple of days. I was sent home with a presciption for Prevacid and instuctions to take the Lortab for continuing pain and follow up with my doctor if the pain continues.
This was Friday night. After a weekend of suffering and increasing nausea so severe I could not sit up for more than 15-30 minutes at a time, Jay took me back to the doctor on Monday. I was sent for an ultrasound where they ruled out any problems with my gall bladder, pancreas or liver.
My doctor now believes I have a peptic ulcer. I was given 3 different medications and told to call again Thursday to report how I am feeling and the next steps to be taken. The medication has thankfully greatly relieved my nausea and my stomach pain has somewhat improved, but I am still quite miserable and very easily fatigued.
After being on vacation last week (which pretty much sucked since I have been sick since Wednesday) I really needed to get back to work, but have been unable to return. I plan to return tomorrow, but don't expect to make it more than half the day especially since I cannot take the pain medication while at work.
The one and only upside to all of this is that I have lost 5 pounds since last week...LOL. I can't recall ever being so sick that I have lost my appetite for any period of time. It is a very strange phenomenon for me, but damn I ought to get a little something out of this suffering! I have not been able to exercise for over a week which is driving me nuts, so I guess it is a good thing I have lost my appetite!
So there it is...my whining session. If you have read all the way to the bottom, thank you, dear reader. I will NEVER again take my health for granted and long to return to my normal life.
I had been having ear pain for about a week and a half which continued to worsen until it was so unbearable last Wednesday that I finally went to the doctor. My doctor diagnosed me with TMJ which is an inflammation of the jaw joint and surrounding muscles. I was given presciption ibuprofen to take 3 times a day and told to call if it did not improve. After suffering horrible pain the rest of that day and night I called the next morning to ask for something stronger for the pain.
Here comes my rant on HMO's which is our only available insurance choice via Jay's employer. I called their main number, explained my need and was then transferred to a nurse in a call center where I explained my need again. I was told a message would be sent to my doctor and they would contact me. Two hours later when we had had no return call, Jay called. He was connected to the nurse call center yet again and explained his wife was in horrible pain, neither of us had slept for much of the night and I really needed some additional pain relief. Do you know what this nurse had the audacity to say to him?
"I have sent a message to her doctor, Sir. He has 24-48 hours to get back with you."
I was stunned at the callousness of someone in a supposedly caring profession. Jay was FURIOUS! He then asked to be connected to the person in charge of the center. The extremly unhelpful nurse places Jay on hold for close to 5 minutes then returns to say she is connecting him and proceeds to connect him to a fucking voice mail! At this point, Jay is about to explode with anger.
He calls back explains the whole damn problem again and tells the nurse on the other end that he will NOT be connected to a voice mail, he MUST speak with a person. After a good 30 minutes on the phone we FINALLY get my doctor. I explain to him my pain and he gives me a prescription for Lortab and advises me to continue with the ibuprofen as well for the inflammation. By Friday my ear pain was all but resolved, but my health saga does not end there. I now had an even more serious problem which has still not resolved itself.
I awoke in the middle of the night last Thursday with horrible stomach pain. The pain continued nearly non stop until I was in tears and finally had Jay take me to the ER about 11:30 Friday evening. They thankfully gave me IV pain and anti-nausea medication which brought me relief at the time. They did blood tests and ruled out their most serious concern of a problem with my pancreas. The doctor seemed to feel I was suffering gastritis due to the ibuprofen the last couple of days. I was sent home with a presciption for Prevacid and instuctions to take the Lortab for continuing pain and follow up with my doctor if the pain continues.
This was Friday night. After a weekend of suffering and increasing nausea so severe I could not sit up for more than 15-30 minutes at a time, Jay took me back to the doctor on Monday. I was sent for an ultrasound where they ruled out any problems with my gall bladder, pancreas or liver.
My doctor now believes I have a peptic ulcer. I was given 3 different medications and told to call again Thursday to report how I am feeling and the next steps to be taken. The medication has thankfully greatly relieved my nausea and my stomach pain has somewhat improved, but I am still quite miserable and very easily fatigued.
After being on vacation last week (which pretty much sucked since I have been sick since Wednesday) I really needed to get back to work, but have been unable to return. I plan to return tomorrow, but don't expect to make it more than half the day especially since I cannot take the pain medication while at work.
The one and only upside to all of this is that I have lost 5 pounds since last week...LOL. I can't recall ever being so sick that I have lost my appetite for any period of time. It is a very strange phenomenon for me, but damn I ought to get a little something out of this suffering! I have not been able to exercise for over a week which is driving me nuts, so I guess it is a good thing I have lost my appetite!
So there it is...my whining session. If you have read all the way to the bottom, thank you, dear reader. I will NEVER again take my health for granted and long to return to my normal life.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Tomorrow
Tomorrow I will be meeting our D/s mentor for the first time. Jay had a fairly lengthy meeting with him several weeks ago. I have communicated with him extensively via phone and text, but not yet seen him in person.
I am both giddy with excitement and extremly anxious. I have pitched several temper tantrums,and at times exhibited behavior unbecoming of a submissive. I have been told I will receive the proper discipline for my behavior. Our new mentor means business, this I know. He is good at what he does. He won't be inclined to go easy on me as Jay often is. He will teach Jay not to go easy on me.
I need this. I crave this. I fear this.
I am both giddy with excitement and extremly anxious. I have pitched several temper tantrums,and at times exhibited behavior unbecoming of a submissive. I have been told I will receive the proper discipline for my behavior. Our new mentor means business, this I know. He is good at what he does. He won't be inclined to go easy on me as Jay often is. He will teach Jay not to go easy on me.
I need this. I crave this. I fear this.
Monday, May 16, 2011
I Am A Very Lucky Woman
My husband loves me very much. I’ve always known this, but I don’t think I’ve always appreciated it as I should. I know this not because of all the things I am about to tell you he bought and did for me, but because the love behind them was palpable. It is my desire to express my appreciation for all these things to him here today.
My birthday was last week Jay always does very well for my birthday which is a challenge for him as it falls on or within days of Mother’s Day. I have never gotten a combo Mother’s Day/Birthday gift. This year though he seemed extra full of surprises.
The Friday before Mother’s Day I received a bouquet of flowers at work with two balloons wishing me Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day. On Mother’s Day I received a basket of my favorite lotions from Bath and Body Works. However, my dear husband wasn’t done there.
He arranged to take our daughter to my parents for a few hours while our son was at work. He instructed me to light a few candles about the room, remove all my clothing, slip into my spa robe, and await his return. At this point I assumed he was having someone come over to give me a massage. As it turns out, he had arranged a little more than that.
There is a woman that attends and gives performances at the fetish parties we frequent; I’ll call her Ms. Dee which is fitting for a couple of reasons, not the least of which that she has very large breasts. I have had a huge crush on her for quite some time now. I’ve conversed with her briefly, but never anything of significance. At our last party, we learned that she is a licensed aesthetician, and runs her own business. She gave me her business card.
My sweet husband, knowing I would never have the nerve to call her on my own to arrange an appointment, arranged one for me. He also explained to her how I have had a little crush on her for some time now. He further made sure she was ok with performing my services while I was completely naked. She was plenty fine with it! So I received a body polishing (this involves rubbing an exfoliating substance all over my body, showering, and then rubbing body cream all over my body including my breasts as a special treat just for me), a facial and a foot treatment completely in the nude as Jay watched and enjoyed.
Jay also arranged for Ms. Dee to stay to dinner with us. I know your feverish, perverted minds want to hear about the hot lesbian sex that later ensued, but I must disappoint you in that. That’s not to say it might not happen at some point in the future…who knows. In addition to being hot, Ms. Dee is a sweetheart and now a new friend.
The next day on my actual birthday, I received a beautiful birthday cake and an MP3 player to take on my runs from my children.
What else could my wonderful husband have given me for my birthday to top that you ask…a time machine magically transporting me back to the 80’s in the form of Bon Jovi tickets for this past Saturday night!!! They are one of my very favorite bands since the teenage years. They played for nearly 3 hours. We had so much fun! There is nothing like an arena full of 20,000 people singing the entire first chorus of “Livin’ on a Prayer” while Jon simply stood on stage and listened. I swear that man just gets hotter and hotter as the years go by!
Being the more and more obedient sub I am striving to become, I wore the outfit Jay directed me to wear to the concert…black corset cinched so tightly I could barely breath and very short black skirt which I tugged at all night trying to prevent my ass from hanging out! After the concert is another story entirely, but another illustration of why I am a lucky, well loved woman. I shall attempt to post the details later this week
My birthday was last week Jay always does very well for my birthday which is a challenge for him as it falls on or within days of Mother’s Day. I have never gotten a combo Mother’s Day/Birthday gift. This year though he seemed extra full of surprises.
The Friday before Mother’s Day I received a bouquet of flowers at work with two balloons wishing me Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day. On Mother’s Day I received a basket of my favorite lotions from Bath and Body Works. However, my dear husband wasn’t done there.
He arranged to take our daughter to my parents for a few hours while our son was at work. He instructed me to light a few candles about the room, remove all my clothing, slip into my spa robe, and await his return. At this point I assumed he was having someone come over to give me a massage. As it turns out, he had arranged a little more than that.
There is a woman that attends and gives performances at the fetish parties we frequent; I’ll call her Ms. Dee which is fitting for a couple of reasons, not the least of which that she has very large breasts. I have had a huge crush on her for quite some time now. I’ve conversed with her briefly, but never anything of significance. At our last party, we learned that she is a licensed aesthetician, and runs her own business. She gave me her business card.
My sweet husband, knowing I would never have the nerve to call her on my own to arrange an appointment, arranged one for me. He also explained to her how I have had a little crush on her for some time now. He further made sure she was ok with performing my services while I was completely naked. She was plenty fine with it! So I received a body polishing (this involves rubbing an exfoliating substance all over my body, showering, and then rubbing body cream all over my body including my breasts as a special treat just for me), a facial and a foot treatment completely in the nude as Jay watched and enjoyed.
Jay also arranged for Ms. Dee to stay to dinner with us. I know your feverish, perverted minds want to hear about the hot lesbian sex that later ensued, but I must disappoint you in that. That’s not to say it might not happen at some point in the future…who knows. In addition to being hot, Ms. Dee is a sweetheart and now a new friend.
The next day on my actual birthday, I received a beautiful birthday cake and an MP3 player to take on my runs from my children.
What else could my wonderful husband have given me for my birthday to top that you ask…a time machine magically transporting me back to the 80’s in the form of Bon Jovi tickets for this past Saturday night!!! They are one of my very favorite bands since the teenage years. They played for nearly 3 hours. We had so much fun! There is nothing like an arena full of 20,000 people singing the entire first chorus of “Livin’ on a Prayer” while Jon simply stood on stage and listened. I swear that man just gets hotter and hotter as the years go by!
Being the more and more obedient sub I am striving to become, I wore the outfit Jay directed me to wear to the concert…black corset cinched so tightly I could barely breath and very short black skirt which I tugged at all night trying to prevent my ass from hanging out! After the concert is another story entirely, but another illustration of why I am a lucky, well loved woman. I shall attempt to post the details later this week
Saturday, February 19, 2011
And They're Off....
That's me in that sea of people there about to begin my first 10K. I did it!! It was a very warm 70 degrees here in Atlanta today, there were more hills than I had anticipated on this course, but I finished it. I was exhausted by the end and my time was not what I had been hoping for (1:16), but I had a great time and learned some valuable lessons for next year...like dont let the excitement overwhelm you and start out WAY too fast the first 2 miles, train for those hills, and find a way to focus even when running amidst a crowd of people. When I run solo, I often feel peaceful, focused and "in the zone". I had a really difficult time doing that today with so many other people running alongside me.
All in all though, I had a great day topped off by accompanying my daughter and a neighbor and her daughter to the Justin Bieber movie, ha, ha!! In his defense I do have to say he is a talented kid who seems to have been raised well. He seems like a genuinely nice boy. I hope he can stay the course and not get swallowed up by the fame at such a young age.
P.S. There's a little camel-toe going on in that last picture that I thought some of you might enjoy..wink, wink.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
New Directions
Jay and I have decided that we have come to the conclusion of one facet of our odyssey of sexual exploration. We have agreed that we will no longer invite a 3rd party into our sex life. It was a scintillating idea for a time. However, of the 5 encounters we had over the past 3 years, one was so horrible I still wish I could undo it, another was unenjoyable for me and fraught with jealousy for Jay, two were actually fun and satisfying, while the 5th was hot, satisfying for me and very confusing all at the same time.
In general, I believe neither of us have ever been 100% comfortable with the idea, but each agreed to try it for our own reasons. My reasons centered around a desire to revive a failing sex drive, pleasing Jay and replacing something I had lost. He may wish to speak for himself later, but I think Jay's reasons revolved around wanting to try something new, and the simple pleasure of watching his wife have sex. He got to enjoy his own live action porn scene with his wife as the star.
It's a difficult thing to pull off. There were jealousy issues, there were hurt feelings, there were guilty and even shameful feelings for me. The small payoffs we got were not worth all of the angst that went along with it. This sort of play just never felt comfortable for me, nor truth be told, do I think if felt comfortable for Jay. I found it often unnerving and akward to engage in sexual relations with another man in front of my husband. While I did derive sexual pleasure from some of our encounters, my overriding emotion surrounding it all was shame. I can't get past the societal mores that teach me such behavior is wrong, even taboo.
It is my personal belief that intimacy between 2 people will eventually suffer if this is an ongoing lifestyle. I know there are those out there blogging away about their success and enjoyment of some variation of this "open" lifestyle. I think there are indeed a handful of couples out there for whom this works well. If it works for you, I say, embrace it and enjoy it! For Jay and me, it was not the answer.
This is certainly not to say we are returning to a simple "vanilla" sex life. I still long to be dominated, controlled, treated like his cherished little "pet." I have discovered I am more of a spank me, choke me, tie me up kind of sub than an objectify me and share me with others sub. I have found my limits the hard way it seems.
In general, I believe neither of us have ever been 100% comfortable with the idea, but each agreed to try it for our own reasons. My reasons centered around a desire to revive a failing sex drive, pleasing Jay and replacing something I had lost. He may wish to speak for himself later, but I think Jay's reasons revolved around wanting to try something new, and the simple pleasure of watching his wife have sex. He got to enjoy his own live action porn scene with his wife as the star.
It's a difficult thing to pull off. There were jealousy issues, there were hurt feelings, there were guilty and even shameful feelings for me. The small payoffs we got were not worth all of the angst that went along with it. This sort of play just never felt comfortable for me, nor truth be told, do I think if felt comfortable for Jay. I found it often unnerving and akward to engage in sexual relations with another man in front of my husband. While I did derive sexual pleasure from some of our encounters, my overriding emotion surrounding it all was shame. I can't get past the societal mores that teach me such behavior is wrong, even taboo.
It is my personal belief that intimacy between 2 people will eventually suffer if this is an ongoing lifestyle. I know there are those out there blogging away about their success and enjoyment of some variation of this "open" lifestyle. I think there are indeed a handful of couples out there for whom this works well. If it works for you, I say, embrace it and enjoy it! For Jay and me, it was not the answer.
This is certainly not to say we are returning to a simple "vanilla" sex life. I still long to be dominated, controlled, treated like his cherished little "pet." I have discovered I am more of a spank me, choke me, tie me up kind of sub than an objectify me and share me with others sub. I have found my limits the hard way it seems.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Incognito
I went in today for my semi-annual hair cut. On a whim, I decided to have my stylist blow dry it straight. I have wondered for some time now how I would look with straightened hair. Little did I know that not only would Jay REALLY hate it, he would be totally pissed off at me for the remainder of the day. Even after I made him understand it was a completely temporary thing... that I would return to the natural curls he knew and loved as soon as I washed my hair the next day...he was still rattled for the rest of the day.
While I much prefer the natural curls myself, it was a fun diversion from the everyday. It is such a radical departure from my normal hairstyle that I almost felt as if I were walking about in disguise today. I feel that it lends me a much more dominant, agressive, woman of the world type of look, which is probably exactly why it touched such a nerve in Jay. Our personalities are very opposite... he is dominant and protective while I am submissive and nurturing. We both like it this way, and find that it works very well for us. I suppose the new look kind of threw all of that off kilter for him, not to mention the fact that he complained that I looked like his Mom and his sister!!
I'll give you a peek at both do's and you decide which is your favorite.
Straight...
Or Curly...
While I much prefer the natural curls myself, it was a fun diversion from the everyday. It is such a radical departure from my normal hairstyle that I almost felt as if I were walking about in disguise today. I feel that it lends me a much more dominant, agressive, woman of the world type of look, which is probably exactly why it touched such a nerve in Jay. Our personalities are very opposite... he is dominant and protective while I am submissive and nurturing. We both like it this way, and find that it works very well for us. I suppose the new look kind of threw all of that off kilter for him, not to mention the fact that he complained that I looked like his Mom and his sister!!
I'll give you a peek at both do's and you decide which is your favorite.
Straight...
Or Curly...
Friday, October 22, 2010
Master's Reply to His Slave
My Jay responded to the email I sent a few days ago with one of his own. After reading it, I felt like such a fortunate pet and wife. I cannot express the love and gratitude I feel to have a husband willing to travel down this path with me.
My Lovely Slave...
Yes, you have taken entirely too long to send your list.
Being the masochist I know you are, I know you have painful desires and needs it is my duty to fulfill. For the time being I will use this list as a basis to provide you pleasure through humiliation and pain. But understand I will command another list in the near future.
Moving forward, as my slave I will address you as Mimi to indicate my intention of directing you as my submissive slave, and not my wife.
To be a pet is a great task, and takes a great deal of humility to submit and serve as such. I trust you are up to the task. This weekend, we will look for your accoutrements so you can be my good slave-pet.
We will also plan a weekend of servitude for you. This servitude will include servicing me at will, and tasks for my pleasure.
I see you wish a new leash. The one you have is perfectly fine, but I would be interested in what a slut such as yourself might want. Possibly something that has studs on it to add to your pain as you are slapped with your leash or maybe a chain with a choker...we will certainly see what would suit your deviant desires.
As part of being an obedient submissive, you must trust your Master, and do as commanded. As your Master I would never intentionally put you in any danger or dangerous situations. My respect for you is great and I would not do anything that was personally or deeply humiliating as I know you better than anyone. To do anything that was truly disrespectful would be egregious and would make me unworthy to be your Dominant. Never forget that I love and cherish you as my wife first and foremost.
I do not think a third person is a good idea for our relationship, but your servicing others at my pleasure is another matter. I do know you enjoy many things and activities...things and activities you feel like you should not enjoy,yet you do. As your Dominant, it is my responsibility to not only provide pleasure and punishment, but to expand our limits together.
I am glad you want to only serve me sexually, actually more than glad, it shows me that you desire and only adore me, which makes me confident our roles are in the place we have been working towards.
Therefore regarding your final request, I agree we should not include a third party Dom in our relationship, and I do not think a third party sub would be good for us either. However, I do find that it is necessary for you to be able to service others as I direct. We have discussed that we both know you enjoy servicing others, but you tend to think negatively of yourself after the experiences. What I will promise you is, I will not frequently ask this of you, but I will command you to service others at my discretion for my pleasure. You will do as I command and not disappoint but enjoy it as I know you do.
What I desire from you is for you to be an obedient slave, to be a loving slave, for you to allow me to take you to the dark places you desire, and I do encourage you to tell me your desires so I can continue to take you to those places your heart longs for. Through this I will earn your respect and continue to explore this world together.
Your Loving Master.
My Lovely Slave...
Yes, you have taken entirely too long to send your list.
Being the masochist I know you are, I know you have painful desires and needs it is my duty to fulfill. For the time being I will use this list as a basis to provide you pleasure through humiliation and pain. But understand I will command another list in the near future.
Moving forward, as my slave I will address you as Mimi to indicate my intention of directing you as my submissive slave, and not my wife.
To be a pet is a great task, and takes a great deal of humility to submit and serve as such. I trust you are up to the task. This weekend, we will look for your accoutrements so you can be my good slave-pet.
We will also plan a weekend of servitude for you. This servitude will include servicing me at will, and tasks for my pleasure.
I see you wish a new leash. The one you have is perfectly fine, but I would be interested in what a slut such as yourself might want. Possibly something that has studs on it to add to your pain as you are slapped with your leash or maybe a chain with a choker...we will certainly see what would suit your deviant desires.
As part of being an obedient submissive, you must trust your Master, and do as commanded. As your Master I would never intentionally put you in any danger or dangerous situations. My respect for you is great and I would not do anything that was personally or deeply humiliating as I know you better than anyone. To do anything that was truly disrespectful would be egregious and would make me unworthy to be your Dominant. Never forget that I love and cherish you as my wife first and foremost.
I do not think a third person is a good idea for our relationship, but your servicing others at my pleasure is another matter. I do know you enjoy many things and activities...things and activities you feel like you should not enjoy,yet you do. As your Dominant, it is my responsibility to not only provide pleasure and punishment, but to expand our limits together.
I am glad you want to only serve me sexually, actually more than glad, it shows me that you desire and only adore me, which makes me confident our roles are in the place we have been working towards.
Therefore regarding your final request, I agree we should not include a third party Dom in our relationship, and I do not think a third party sub would be good for us either. However, I do find that it is necessary for you to be able to service others as I direct. We have discussed that we both know you enjoy servicing others, but you tend to think negatively of yourself after the experiences. What I will promise you is, I will not frequently ask this of you, but I will command you to service others at my discretion for my pleasure. You will do as I command and not disappoint but enjoy it as I know you do.
What I desire from you is for you to be an obedient slave, to be a loving slave, for you to allow me to take you to the dark places you desire, and I do encourage you to tell me your desires so I can continue to take you to those places your heart longs for. Through this I will earn your respect and continue to explore this world together.
Your Loving Master.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
A Letter to Master
This letter was waiting for Jay in his email's inbox this morning...
Dearest Master,
I know I was tasked by Mistress Faye to send you a list of activities I would enjoy as your submissive some time ago. I have been a lazy slut in taking 3 weeks to get this list to you. I apologize deeply for this Sir, and submit to any correction you deem fit to prevent such behavior in the future.
I have given much thought to this task Sir. What I desire most is to be pleasing to you. Any guidance you are willing to provide is much appreciated by this submissive, Sir.
One of my deepest desires is to be your pet, Sir. To this end, these are things I would take great pleasure in while serving as your sub Sir:
- I would enjoy a pet pillow designated just for me...soft and plush in texture...hopefully presented as a gift to your pet
- I would enjoy an evening of being directed to remain on this pet pillow ready to serve you at all times. I may even enjoy being made to sleep on this pillow.
- I would enjoy being made to take my meal at your feet (I might also enjoy being made to eat this meal from my own designated food and water bowls). You may decide whether or not I merit utensils for my meal Sir
- I would enjoy being made to simply sit at your feet as you watch TV or go about your normal activities, pausing to stroke my head and offer praise or correction whenever the mood strikes you
- I would enjoy a weekend of being directed to suck your cock whenever you so desire with the further requirement that I must ask at least every 2 hours if you require your cock sucked. I would fully expect to receive punishment should I fail to adhere to this schedule.
-You already know that I adore being led around on all fours by my collar and leash Sir. Perhaps if I am a good girl I might merit a new and different leash from time to time.
-Should the opportunity present itself to find one economically...I would SO love my own dog kennel/cage to be locked up in at your discretion Sir.
- I would enjoy being required to dispense my own punishment from time to time...I swoon at the thought of slapping my breasts with a ruler or slapping off my own clothespins.
I hope you find several or all the items on the list pleasing and appealing to you Sir as my purpose is to serve you.
This sub would make one humble request of you Sir. That request being that we reach an agreement to no longer seek out or invite 3rd parties into our bedroom. It is my desire to serve only you in a sexual manner Master. Should Master desire to see me flogged, spanked, paddled or otherwise disciplined at a party or between friends, I would greatly enjoy serving in this manner, but would respectfully request that sexual service be reserved only for you Master. I realize I am but your lowly submissive who has no control over what service you may require of me, and will do my best to submit to whatever pleases my Master most.
Your Loving Slave,
Mimi
Dearest Master,
I know I was tasked by Mistress Faye to send you a list of activities I would enjoy as your submissive some time ago. I have been a lazy slut in taking 3 weeks to get this list to you. I apologize deeply for this Sir, and submit to any correction you deem fit to prevent such behavior in the future.
I have given much thought to this task Sir. What I desire most is to be pleasing to you. Any guidance you are willing to provide is much appreciated by this submissive, Sir.
One of my deepest desires is to be your pet, Sir. To this end, these are things I would take great pleasure in while serving as your sub Sir:
- I would enjoy a pet pillow designated just for me...soft and plush in texture...hopefully presented as a gift to your pet
- I would enjoy an evening of being directed to remain on this pet pillow ready to serve you at all times. I may even enjoy being made to sleep on this pillow.
- I would enjoy being made to take my meal at your feet (I might also enjoy being made to eat this meal from my own designated food and water bowls). You may decide whether or not I merit utensils for my meal Sir
- I would enjoy being made to simply sit at your feet as you watch TV or go about your normal activities, pausing to stroke my head and offer praise or correction whenever the mood strikes you
- I would enjoy a weekend of being directed to suck your cock whenever you so desire with the further requirement that I must ask at least every 2 hours if you require your cock sucked. I would fully expect to receive punishment should I fail to adhere to this schedule.
-You already know that I adore being led around on all fours by my collar and leash Sir. Perhaps if I am a good girl I might merit a new and different leash from time to time.
-Should the opportunity present itself to find one economically...I would SO love my own dog kennel/cage to be locked up in at your discretion Sir.
- I would enjoy being required to dispense my own punishment from time to time...I swoon at the thought of slapping my breasts with a ruler or slapping off my own clothespins.
I hope you find several or all the items on the list pleasing and appealing to you Sir as my purpose is to serve you.
This sub would make one humble request of you Sir. That request being that we reach an agreement to no longer seek out or invite 3rd parties into our bedroom. It is my desire to serve only you in a sexual manner Master. Should Master desire to see me flogged, spanked, paddled or otherwise disciplined at a party or between friends, I would greatly enjoy serving in this manner, but would respectfully request that sexual service be reserved only for you Master. I realize I am but your lowly submissive who has no control over what service you may require of me, and will do my best to submit to whatever pleases my Master most.
Your Loving Slave,
Mimi
Monday, October 4, 2010
May We Begin Now?
Jay and I have taken a step back from out headlong plunge into D/s play. We have been re-grouping and rethinking, listening and talking to each other this past week. This re-grouping we have each separately and collectively decided calls for no outside play partners as Jay and I learn and grow in the lifestyle.
We recently had the very good fortune to meet another married couple much more experienced in the lifestyle than us. We met them indirectly through my blog post describing our August fetish party visit as Mon Cherie, who throws the parties, posted a link to the post via her Facebook page. We had the privilege of meeting in person at last month’s party, but really did not get to spend a large amount of time chatting as they were vendors at the event.
My new friend whom I shall call Mistress Faye took pity on me when reading last week’s post. She sent an e-mailed reply and has since taken on a mentoring/teaching type of role for Jay and me.
We are both feeling much better about our path after exchanging some very honest communication both verbally and via letters we each wrote this weekend expressing what we wanted to give and receive from each other via a D/s relationship as well as what our expectations were.
The light bulb moment came for me when realizing in the course of a conversation with Mistress Faye that I had been expecting Jay to simply “know” what to do and say in his dominant role to bring me to that “quivering puddle” state of submission when he was as much of a novice as I was. I didn’t even really give him many hints about what I desired, expecting that as a dominant he should just “know.” I was then disappointed when he didn’t just “know” what to do and assumed I would have to get those needs met in a 2nd dominant.
Until recently our D/s play had been confined to our own bedroom over the past 5 years with a few books for instruction, but no real contact and conversations with real live people experienced in the lifestyle. It seems comical and unfair to me now that I just expected Jay to have it all figured out because he was “naturally dominant.” As my new friend Mistress Faye pointed out, “Was the dominance fairy supposed to just come to him in a dream?”
I am also now able to articulate that much of what I felt was lacking in Jay’s dominance was the psychological aspect. He is quite good at the physical administration of discipline (although there is still much to learn regarding the use of various toys), but I long for that “mind fuck” that also goes along with a D/s relationship.
So we are back to square one, both admitting we have much to learn, both agreeing we want to learn, and grateful our new friends seem willing to offer their help and experience with no hint of any hidden agendas. Although I do need to note that Mistress Faye has very large, full breasts and we all know how I LOVE big boobs, ha, ha!!
This weekend my task from Mistress Faye was simply to adore Jay. I was to find ways to offer to serve him and ask for permission to do so. Fortunately, after some fall clothes shopping for our daughter Saturday morning, the rest of the day was rather open for us.
My Jay had been complaining of foot pain for several days which was made worse by 2.5hours of shopping that morning. I saw an opportunity to serve him and I seized it. I asked if I might massage his foot for him to which he readily assented. He went on to wonder as I rubbed his foot if I still had my foot spa in which he might soak his foot. Without being asked or told to do so, I went upstairs, retrieved the foot spa from our closet and set it up for him as he prepared himself some lunch.
When he had finished lunch, he sat in a chair in front of the spa I had prepared for him. Before beginning, I knelt in front of him, laid my head on his large chest and told him I respected him and wanted to grow in my respect for him even more. I asked Daddy to please allow us to begin again down this path of a D/s relationship.
I was first told I was to address him now as Master rather than Daddy, that only on special occasions would he allow me to address him as Daddy. He then asked if I was willing to obey and submit to him fully as my Master to which I replied whole heartedly that I was. He then gave his permission to engage in our path of D/s once again.
After this, I gently lifted each foot into the warm foot bath I had prepared for him and turned the massaging jets on. After allowing him to soak for a while, I asked if he was ready for his massage. I had obtained lotion the previous evening with a eucalyptus scent I knew he found pleasing in preparation for another service I planned for him that evening. I carefully lifted each foot from the foot bath and dried them off. I then began to massage his feet and legs with the refreshing scented lotion.
I felt a slight throbbing being between my legs as I knelt there serving him. I would have liked to have done it naked, but our son was upstairs in his room and our daughter was off playing with friends, likely to burst in the house at any time. His moans and groans of pleasure were enough to let me know my service was pleasing to him. When the massage was complete I asked for permission to kiss his feet. When granted permission, I leaned over and kissed the top of each foot feeling wholly submissive and worshipful.
That night after our son had gone to spend the night with a friend and our daughter was tucked into bed with all the dogs, I asked Master if I might bathe him. He replied that I could. I had cleaned the tub thoroughly earlier in the day in hopes that he would allow me to service him in this way. I scurried into the bathroom and began to draw the bath water. I then lit some scented candles about the bedroom, removed my gown and waited at the bedroom door for him, naked.
He soon appeared and ordered me to finish the remainder of the bath preparations(gathering his towel and wash cloth, soap and shampoo) on my hands and knees. When the bath was drawn, I crawled to him in the bedroom, knelt before him, unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned and unzipped his shorts, let them fall to the floor, and held them as he stepped out of them. I folded his shorts neatly before asking permission to stand and remove his shirt for him. When this too was folded neatly over his shorts, I crawled on hands and knees to the bathroom as he followed.
When he settled into the tub, I gently poured hot water over his chest and belly. I asked if he was ready for me to wash his hair now. When he indicated I could begin, I tipped his head back and gently poured warm water over his hair. I then lathered and massaged his scalp, moving down to his shoulders for a short massage before tipping his head back and carefully rinsing the shampoo out.
I then moved on to lather the wash cloth and began bathing his body. He reached out to play with my breasts and pierced nipples as I bathed his arms, chest and belly. He then stood in the tub as I remained kneeling beside it to wash his back, buttocks and legs. I gently washed his scrotum and penis, being careful not to linger unnecessarily lest I be perceived to be taking liberties I had not been given permission to take. I then lovingly poured the warm water over his body to rinse him. Finally, I massaged his feet as I lathered and washed them clean. When this was done, I waited at the side of the tub for further instruction or indication that he was ready to leave the tub.
I was told to massage his cock now. I had been eager to do this almost from the moment I began to touch him in the tub. My hand slid under the water, gripped his penis and began to massage. When he had had enough stimulation, he rose indicating he was ready to get out of the tub. I opened the drain, and held his towel out for him to step into before carefully drying his body.
I then crawled into the bedroom and bade him to lie down on the bed for a massage, asking permission to join him on the bed as I knelt beside it. I then crawled onto the bed to straddle his back as I warmed the eucalyptus scented lotion in my hands and began to massage his back and shoulders. I did this diligently for some time as he moaned his pleasure under my hands. I then moved further down to his buttocks and legs. I enjoyed the hard muscular feel of his legs underneath my hands and felt my arousal begin to build.
When I had massaged each leg, I asked him to turn over so that I might massage the front of his body. I massaged his arms, hands and chest before eventually working my way down to those muscular legs again. I spread my legs, taking his leg such that his foot rested against my breasts and belly as I massaged, longing to guide his toes to my throbbing clit, but restraining myself as I remembered my place in serving him.
When the massage was complete, I was ordered to suck his cock which I hopped to eagerly and greedily. I sucked and worshipped his cock, enjoying the sensation of it growing in my mouth until I was told to bend over the bed.
Maser then began soft spanking of my ass coupled with his fingers on my clit. He would build my pleasure while slapping my ass, and then back off. He eventually retrieved a paddle and something else from the sex toy bag. I began to pant and whimper as I got a glance at the paddle, anticipating what was to come.
“I haven’t even touched you yet,” he observed mockingly.
He alternated paddling and slapping my ass with what I would consider light spanking as he worked my clit. This was soon followed by a toy at the entrance to my ass. I am not a big fan of ass play (although I have derived pleasure from it at times) and might well have refused him at this point, but felt in such a submissive state after serving him for a large portion of the day, I wanted to do anything to continue deriving pleasure through serving him.
I pushed back against the toy as directed unable to tell exactly which one it was which increased my anxiety. It felt big… it did not slide easily into my ass. I whimpered and panted as I tried to coax my asshole into receiving it. After gentle encouragement from Master, I did succeed in receiving the toy into my ass. He applied a little more spanking to my ass cheeks before directing me to turn over onto my back.
The toy popped out and I had to re-insert it as Master entered me. It popped out again as he began to thrust into my cunt.
“It won’t stay in,” I whined.
“Well hold it in,” he barked authoritatively as if explaining something plainly obvious to a child.
And so I did. I re-inserted the toy and held it in place as he fucked me hard and good and wet.
After this session we enjoyed a quiet steak dinner for just the two of us complete with champagne.
Our weekend was capped of Sunday afternoon by exchanging our letters we had written to each other explaining what we each wanted to give and receive in our D/s relationship as well as what we expected and needed from each other.
Master required me to remove my clothing and kneel before him as he buckled my collar around my neck. I was then directed to read his letter to me on my knees in front of him. When I had finished, he read mine to him as he towered above me.
I was then ordered to stand and grip my ankles as he took his pleasure with me by fucking my pussy. I felt so submissive in this position…gripping my ankles, bracing my arms against my legs to keep my balance as he thrust harder and harder against me.
I feel that this is a new beginning for us. What had me so distraught and confused last week has proven to be a fortunate occurrence leading Jay and I to finally examine and discuss what we want from D/s play…I want the joy and pleasure of surrendering my power to him physically AND psychologically while he derives pleasure from my adoration as expressed through my obedience to him. We have a much better idea of where we were going astray and how to go about correcting it as well as some nifty new friends to teach us what we can’t learn from books. I feel we are travelling down a path that will ultimately bring us greater satisfaction in our D/s roles, as lovers and ultimately as husband and wife.
We recently had the very good fortune to meet another married couple much more experienced in the lifestyle than us. We met them indirectly through my blog post describing our August fetish party visit as Mon Cherie, who throws the parties, posted a link to the post via her Facebook page. We had the privilege of meeting in person at last month’s party, but really did not get to spend a large amount of time chatting as they were vendors at the event.
My new friend whom I shall call Mistress Faye took pity on me when reading last week’s post. She sent an e-mailed reply and has since taken on a mentoring/teaching type of role for Jay and me.
We are both feeling much better about our path after exchanging some very honest communication both verbally and via letters we each wrote this weekend expressing what we wanted to give and receive from each other via a D/s relationship as well as what our expectations were.
The light bulb moment came for me when realizing in the course of a conversation with Mistress Faye that I had been expecting Jay to simply “know” what to do and say in his dominant role to bring me to that “quivering puddle” state of submission when he was as much of a novice as I was. I didn’t even really give him many hints about what I desired, expecting that as a dominant he should just “know.” I was then disappointed when he didn’t just “know” what to do and assumed I would have to get those needs met in a 2nd dominant.
Until recently our D/s play had been confined to our own bedroom over the past 5 years with a few books for instruction, but no real contact and conversations with real live people experienced in the lifestyle. It seems comical and unfair to me now that I just expected Jay to have it all figured out because he was “naturally dominant.” As my new friend Mistress Faye pointed out, “Was the dominance fairy supposed to just come to him in a dream?”
I am also now able to articulate that much of what I felt was lacking in Jay’s dominance was the psychological aspect. He is quite good at the physical administration of discipline (although there is still much to learn regarding the use of various toys), but I long for that “mind fuck” that also goes along with a D/s relationship.
So we are back to square one, both admitting we have much to learn, both agreeing we want to learn, and grateful our new friends seem willing to offer their help and experience with no hint of any hidden agendas. Although I do need to note that Mistress Faye has very large, full breasts and we all know how I LOVE big boobs, ha, ha!!
This weekend my task from Mistress Faye was simply to adore Jay. I was to find ways to offer to serve him and ask for permission to do so. Fortunately, after some fall clothes shopping for our daughter Saturday morning, the rest of the day was rather open for us.
My Jay had been complaining of foot pain for several days which was made worse by 2.5hours of shopping that morning. I saw an opportunity to serve him and I seized it. I asked if I might massage his foot for him to which he readily assented. He went on to wonder as I rubbed his foot if I still had my foot spa in which he might soak his foot. Without being asked or told to do so, I went upstairs, retrieved the foot spa from our closet and set it up for him as he prepared himself some lunch.
When he had finished lunch, he sat in a chair in front of the spa I had prepared for him. Before beginning, I knelt in front of him, laid my head on his large chest and told him I respected him and wanted to grow in my respect for him even more. I asked Daddy to please allow us to begin again down this path of a D/s relationship.
I was first told I was to address him now as Master rather than Daddy, that only on special occasions would he allow me to address him as Daddy. He then asked if I was willing to obey and submit to him fully as my Master to which I replied whole heartedly that I was. He then gave his permission to engage in our path of D/s once again.
After this, I gently lifted each foot into the warm foot bath I had prepared for him and turned the massaging jets on. After allowing him to soak for a while, I asked if he was ready for his massage. I had obtained lotion the previous evening with a eucalyptus scent I knew he found pleasing in preparation for another service I planned for him that evening. I carefully lifted each foot from the foot bath and dried them off. I then began to massage his feet and legs with the refreshing scented lotion.
I felt a slight throbbing being between my legs as I knelt there serving him. I would have liked to have done it naked, but our son was upstairs in his room and our daughter was off playing with friends, likely to burst in the house at any time. His moans and groans of pleasure were enough to let me know my service was pleasing to him. When the massage was complete I asked for permission to kiss his feet. When granted permission, I leaned over and kissed the top of each foot feeling wholly submissive and worshipful.
That night after our son had gone to spend the night with a friend and our daughter was tucked into bed with all the dogs, I asked Master if I might bathe him. He replied that I could. I had cleaned the tub thoroughly earlier in the day in hopes that he would allow me to service him in this way. I scurried into the bathroom and began to draw the bath water. I then lit some scented candles about the bedroom, removed my gown and waited at the bedroom door for him, naked.
He soon appeared and ordered me to finish the remainder of the bath preparations(gathering his towel and wash cloth, soap and shampoo) on my hands and knees. When the bath was drawn, I crawled to him in the bedroom, knelt before him, unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned and unzipped his shorts, let them fall to the floor, and held them as he stepped out of them. I folded his shorts neatly before asking permission to stand and remove his shirt for him. When this too was folded neatly over his shorts, I crawled on hands and knees to the bathroom as he followed.
When he settled into the tub, I gently poured hot water over his chest and belly. I asked if he was ready for me to wash his hair now. When he indicated I could begin, I tipped his head back and gently poured warm water over his hair. I then lathered and massaged his scalp, moving down to his shoulders for a short massage before tipping his head back and carefully rinsing the shampoo out.
I then moved on to lather the wash cloth and began bathing his body. He reached out to play with my breasts and pierced nipples as I bathed his arms, chest and belly. He then stood in the tub as I remained kneeling beside it to wash his back, buttocks and legs. I gently washed his scrotum and penis, being careful not to linger unnecessarily lest I be perceived to be taking liberties I had not been given permission to take. I then lovingly poured the warm water over his body to rinse him. Finally, I massaged his feet as I lathered and washed them clean. When this was done, I waited at the side of the tub for further instruction or indication that he was ready to leave the tub.
I was told to massage his cock now. I had been eager to do this almost from the moment I began to touch him in the tub. My hand slid under the water, gripped his penis and began to massage. When he had had enough stimulation, he rose indicating he was ready to get out of the tub. I opened the drain, and held his towel out for him to step into before carefully drying his body.
I then crawled into the bedroom and bade him to lie down on the bed for a massage, asking permission to join him on the bed as I knelt beside it. I then crawled onto the bed to straddle his back as I warmed the eucalyptus scented lotion in my hands and began to massage his back and shoulders. I did this diligently for some time as he moaned his pleasure under my hands. I then moved further down to his buttocks and legs. I enjoyed the hard muscular feel of his legs underneath my hands and felt my arousal begin to build.
When I had massaged each leg, I asked him to turn over so that I might massage the front of his body. I massaged his arms, hands and chest before eventually working my way down to those muscular legs again. I spread my legs, taking his leg such that his foot rested against my breasts and belly as I massaged, longing to guide his toes to my throbbing clit, but restraining myself as I remembered my place in serving him.
When the massage was complete, I was ordered to suck his cock which I hopped to eagerly and greedily. I sucked and worshipped his cock, enjoying the sensation of it growing in my mouth until I was told to bend over the bed.
Maser then began soft spanking of my ass coupled with his fingers on my clit. He would build my pleasure while slapping my ass, and then back off. He eventually retrieved a paddle and something else from the sex toy bag. I began to pant and whimper as I got a glance at the paddle, anticipating what was to come.
“I haven’t even touched you yet,” he observed mockingly.
He alternated paddling and slapping my ass with what I would consider light spanking as he worked my clit. This was soon followed by a toy at the entrance to my ass. I am not a big fan of ass play (although I have derived pleasure from it at times) and might well have refused him at this point, but felt in such a submissive state after serving him for a large portion of the day, I wanted to do anything to continue deriving pleasure through serving him.
I pushed back against the toy as directed unable to tell exactly which one it was which increased my anxiety. It felt big… it did not slide easily into my ass. I whimpered and panted as I tried to coax my asshole into receiving it. After gentle encouragement from Master, I did succeed in receiving the toy into my ass. He applied a little more spanking to my ass cheeks before directing me to turn over onto my back.
The toy popped out and I had to re-insert it as Master entered me. It popped out again as he began to thrust into my cunt.
“It won’t stay in,” I whined.
“Well hold it in,” he barked authoritatively as if explaining something plainly obvious to a child.
And so I did. I re-inserted the toy and held it in place as he fucked me hard and good and wet.
After this session we enjoyed a quiet steak dinner for just the two of us complete with champagne.
Our weekend was capped of Sunday afternoon by exchanging our letters we had written to each other explaining what we each wanted to give and receive in our D/s relationship as well as what we expected and needed from each other.
Master required me to remove my clothing and kneel before him as he buckled my collar around my neck. I was then directed to read his letter to me on my knees in front of him. When I had finished, he read mine to him as he towered above me.
I was then ordered to stand and grip my ankles as he took his pleasure with me by fucking my pussy. I felt so submissive in this position…gripping my ankles, bracing my arms against my legs to keep my balance as he thrust harder and harder against me.
I feel that this is a new beginning for us. What had me so distraught and confused last week has proven to be a fortunate occurrence leading Jay and I to finally examine and discuss what we want from D/s play…I want the joy and pleasure of surrendering my power to him physically AND psychologically while he derives pleasure from my adoration as expressed through my obedience to him. We have a much better idea of where we were going astray and how to go about correcting it as well as some nifty new friends to teach us what we can’t learn from books. I feel we are travelling down a path that will ultimately bring us greater satisfaction in our D/s roles, as lovers and ultimately as husband and wife.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Where Do We Go From Here?
Jay and I have come to another impasse in our ever evolving D/s relationship.
To set the stage for how we arrived here…I have had a task from him for a week and a half or two weeks now which I have been quietly deflecting and putting off. It is a very difficult task for me. It involves the two of us going to a particular store. On weeknights when he has called for it I have squirmed out by being too busy with home activities/chores or too tired. Time got away from us this past weekend and I slipped out of the task again.
The task was expected of me again last night which I was passively trying to get out of once again. After our daughter was in bed and our son was in his room studying, Jay took me to our bedroom, had me disrobe and kneel in front of a mirror while he applied the cane to my ass. My head was not in sub mode at all. My responses to his questions were monotone, insolent and irritable. When he finally ordered me to get dressed to go out to complete my task, I fell to the floor whining like a child that I didn’t want to and just couldn’t get in the mood for it.
Jay gave up in frustration. This set the stage for a difficult evening in which we tiptoed around each other, ignoring the elephant in the room.
Jay finally named that elephant as we were parting this morning…I don’t respect him. I didn’t know what to say. I almost cried because I could not deny that he was right. I do absolutely respect him as my husband and life partner. That was not what he meant at all. What he meant, and what I couldn’t deny was that I don’t respect him as my dominant…as my alpha dominant in a station far above anyone else we might bestow the honor of entering into play with me.
I pondered and pondered this all morning and finally discussed with Jay via text (we were both at work and I just couldn’t let it wait all day) the things I had found in my head…
I admitted that he was correct that I did not respect him as I should in his role of ultimate dominance over me. There was no point in denying what we both knew to be the truth.
I went on to explain the reasons I believe I lack this respect. It is my perception that dominance in this context (D/s) is not necessarily something that he is naturally drawn to. It is an interesting phenomenon as Jay’s overall personality if very dominant. He is a confident problem solver and leader both in his professional and family life. It is this quality that first attracted me to him. I feel safe and taken care of in his presence.
Yet it is my belief that we came to the D/s experimentation and crept further and further into the lifestyle via my leadership. I feel that it is something he has developed an interest in to please and satisfy me (I am grateful and fortunate to have a husband so willing to please me and meet my needs), but not something he naturally needs or desires on his own. This perception of mine leads to a lesser intensity level than what I experienced with “Joe” and most definitely what I experienced with “Headmaster.”
The other piece to the puzzle of my lack of respect in this context is the fact that Jay is my husband. It is difficult for me to switch the D/s dynamic on and off when we share every facet of our life together. Unlike with a playmate, I can’t just compartmentalize our relationship into just sex or just D/s. The fact that he is my husband also means I know his limits because I know him intimately in so many different ways. The fear factor and element of the uncertain is in general not high with him (and really, should it be? Should I actually fear my husband?) thus also lowering the level of respect I can extend.
We have had problems lately with playmates or potential playmates simply disappearing into thin air which has frustrated me. I currently have not heard from Headmaster in two weeks. I would have expected to have heard from him late last week or this past weekend, but I did not which leads me to suspect he may be yet another casualty.
Part of this is just the nature of the relationship we seek…something fun with no commitments or strings attached on anyone’s part. It is easy to have a little fun and simply move on to the next encounter without even bothering to tell us they have moved on. This is not what Jay and I are seeking, and perhaps we have not been careful enough in our selection of playmates or explained thoroughly enough what we are looking for in a playmate.
However, I also expressed to Jay that another reason I suspect this is happening is him. He encourages my seeking out dominant playmates but then often seems to become jealous or overly controlling once I find someone who catches my interest and we begin to communicate. Two dominant men and one submissive woman does seem like a recipe for strife to me. Is it possible to make it work?
Jay becomes upset when he perceives boundaries being over stepped, especially when he is not kept informed of what is being asked of me by the playmate (literally he desires that either said playmate or myself communicate with him at the exact same time we are communicating with each other keeping him abreast of all that is being required of me) or when permission is not asked for certain tasks… remember this recent post?
I am not suggesting that these are necessarily unreasonable things for him to require as I am his wife and he is allowing another man the privilege of playing with me, but it also does not escape my attention that by his very nature a dominant man is not accustomed to asking for permission for anything form anyone. The dichotomy of two dominants and one submissive is one I am uncertain we can bridge.
Submission is something I crave with a passion. I am 40 years old and realistically only going to be sexually attractive to men other than my husband for another 5 years or so give or take a few years. I had almost no sexual experience before I met Jay. I only began exploring my submissive desires about 5 years ago. They have only grown stronger with time. I fear if we don’t manage to make this work in a way that pleases both of us and meets each of our needs, I will never experience a D/s relationship at the deeper level I desire. Don’t misunderstand me…I am not subtly hinting I want a D/s relationship that does not include my husband. What I want is a more intense D/s relationship, and yes, I do want a playmate.
Jay’s response to all this…
He cannot and will not tolerate my lack of respect. He realized recently the game I have been playing…that I have been performing many things under the guise of it being for him when It was really more in an effort to please Headmaster. This little game shows a lack of respect for him and his role which will not be tolerated. I didn’t bother denying the truth, but did feel some respect growing for him that he was not blind to this.
He went on to say his issue has been with me all along and not the playmates we have found. His jealousy and need to control come in when he feels I am not showing him the proper respect as my primary dominant by keeping him fully informed of my communications and tasks form a secondary dominant and requesting permission to perform these tasks.
He further informed me my respect and desire to please will be with him first; that unless or until I demonstrate this respect we will cease all play with any others. If I wish to demonstrate this respect and enter back into this world I will prostrate myself before him and beg for the privilege.
I must say these words and the power and confidence displayed in them did increase my respect for him.
Can we work through everything to make this work for both of us? I am not certain at the moment. I very much hope so. We did end our conversation exchanging “I love you’s” and “we will work this out.”
I wish we knew other married couples in the lifestyle who could share with us their feelings and how they make it work. I believe if we can get it right our sex life and marriage will be greatly enriched for it, and so does he.
The questions I am left with…how do we proceed from here? Why can’t I give Jay my full respect without which I can never fully submit to him? How does he learn to be more dominant? Is it something one can even learn, or just something one naturally does or does not posses? Can D/s relationships within the context of a marriage work, and if so how? Where does each of us need to bend and grow if we truly desire to make it work? Are we asking too much of each other? Is it best that I simply suppress my submissive desires if I can’t submit to him and return us to a more conventional, vanilla sex life? Am I selfish if the prospect of doing that depresses me?
To set the stage for how we arrived here…I have had a task from him for a week and a half or two weeks now which I have been quietly deflecting and putting off. It is a very difficult task for me. It involves the two of us going to a particular store. On weeknights when he has called for it I have squirmed out by being too busy with home activities/chores or too tired. Time got away from us this past weekend and I slipped out of the task again.
The task was expected of me again last night which I was passively trying to get out of once again. After our daughter was in bed and our son was in his room studying, Jay took me to our bedroom, had me disrobe and kneel in front of a mirror while he applied the cane to my ass. My head was not in sub mode at all. My responses to his questions were monotone, insolent and irritable. When he finally ordered me to get dressed to go out to complete my task, I fell to the floor whining like a child that I didn’t want to and just couldn’t get in the mood for it.
Jay gave up in frustration. This set the stage for a difficult evening in which we tiptoed around each other, ignoring the elephant in the room.
Jay finally named that elephant as we were parting this morning…I don’t respect him. I didn’t know what to say. I almost cried because I could not deny that he was right. I do absolutely respect him as my husband and life partner. That was not what he meant at all. What he meant, and what I couldn’t deny was that I don’t respect him as my dominant…as my alpha dominant in a station far above anyone else we might bestow the honor of entering into play with me.
I pondered and pondered this all morning and finally discussed with Jay via text (we were both at work and I just couldn’t let it wait all day) the things I had found in my head…
I admitted that he was correct that I did not respect him as I should in his role of ultimate dominance over me. There was no point in denying what we both knew to be the truth.
I went on to explain the reasons I believe I lack this respect. It is my perception that dominance in this context (D/s) is not necessarily something that he is naturally drawn to. It is an interesting phenomenon as Jay’s overall personality if very dominant. He is a confident problem solver and leader both in his professional and family life. It is this quality that first attracted me to him. I feel safe and taken care of in his presence.
Yet it is my belief that we came to the D/s experimentation and crept further and further into the lifestyle via my leadership. I feel that it is something he has developed an interest in to please and satisfy me (I am grateful and fortunate to have a husband so willing to please me and meet my needs), but not something he naturally needs or desires on his own. This perception of mine leads to a lesser intensity level than what I experienced with “Joe” and most definitely what I experienced with “Headmaster.”
The other piece to the puzzle of my lack of respect in this context is the fact that Jay is my husband. It is difficult for me to switch the D/s dynamic on and off when we share every facet of our life together. Unlike with a playmate, I can’t just compartmentalize our relationship into just sex or just D/s. The fact that he is my husband also means I know his limits because I know him intimately in so many different ways. The fear factor and element of the uncertain is in general not high with him (and really, should it be? Should I actually fear my husband?) thus also lowering the level of respect I can extend.
We have had problems lately with playmates or potential playmates simply disappearing into thin air which has frustrated me. I currently have not heard from Headmaster in two weeks. I would have expected to have heard from him late last week or this past weekend, but I did not which leads me to suspect he may be yet another casualty.
Part of this is just the nature of the relationship we seek…something fun with no commitments or strings attached on anyone’s part. It is easy to have a little fun and simply move on to the next encounter without even bothering to tell us they have moved on. This is not what Jay and I are seeking, and perhaps we have not been careful enough in our selection of playmates or explained thoroughly enough what we are looking for in a playmate.
However, I also expressed to Jay that another reason I suspect this is happening is him. He encourages my seeking out dominant playmates but then often seems to become jealous or overly controlling once I find someone who catches my interest and we begin to communicate. Two dominant men and one submissive woman does seem like a recipe for strife to me. Is it possible to make it work?
Jay becomes upset when he perceives boundaries being over stepped, especially when he is not kept informed of what is being asked of me by the playmate (literally he desires that either said playmate or myself communicate with him at the exact same time we are communicating with each other keeping him abreast of all that is being required of me) or when permission is not asked for certain tasks… remember this recent post?
I am not suggesting that these are necessarily unreasonable things for him to require as I am his wife and he is allowing another man the privilege of playing with me, but it also does not escape my attention that by his very nature a dominant man is not accustomed to asking for permission for anything form anyone. The dichotomy of two dominants and one submissive is one I am uncertain we can bridge.
Submission is something I crave with a passion. I am 40 years old and realistically only going to be sexually attractive to men other than my husband for another 5 years or so give or take a few years. I had almost no sexual experience before I met Jay. I only began exploring my submissive desires about 5 years ago. They have only grown stronger with time. I fear if we don’t manage to make this work in a way that pleases both of us and meets each of our needs, I will never experience a D/s relationship at the deeper level I desire. Don’t misunderstand me…I am not subtly hinting I want a D/s relationship that does not include my husband. What I want is a more intense D/s relationship, and yes, I do want a playmate.
Jay’s response to all this…
He cannot and will not tolerate my lack of respect. He realized recently the game I have been playing…that I have been performing many things under the guise of it being for him when It was really more in an effort to please Headmaster. This little game shows a lack of respect for him and his role which will not be tolerated. I didn’t bother denying the truth, but did feel some respect growing for him that he was not blind to this.
He went on to say his issue has been with me all along and not the playmates we have found. His jealousy and need to control come in when he feels I am not showing him the proper respect as my primary dominant by keeping him fully informed of my communications and tasks form a secondary dominant and requesting permission to perform these tasks.
He further informed me my respect and desire to please will be with him first; that unless or until I demonstrate this respect we will cease all play with any others. If I wish to demonstrate this respect and enter back into this world I will prostrate myself before him and beg for the privilege.
I must say these words and the power and confidence displayed in them did increase my respect for him.
Can we work through everything to make this work for both of us? I am not certain at the moment. I very much hope so. We did end our conversation exchanging “I love you’s” and “we will work this out.”
I wish we knew other married couples in the lifestyle who could share with us their feelings and how they make it work. I believe if we can get it right our sex life and marriage will be greatly enriched for it, and so does he.
The questions I am left with…how do we proceed from here? Why can’t I give Jay my full respect without which I can never fully submit to him? How does he learn to be more dominant? Is it something one can even learn, or just something one naturally does or does not posses? Can D/s relationships within the context of a marriage work, and if so how? Where does each of us need to bend and grow if we truly desire to make it work? Are we asking too much of each other? Is it best that I simply suppress my submissive desires if I can’t submit to him and return us to a more conventional, vanilla sex life? Am I selfish if the prospect of doing that depresses me?
Monday, September 27, 2010
More Fun With Fetish Parties
This past Saturday Jay and I had the good fortune to attend another one of Mon Cherie's festish parties like this one we attended last month. We had been looking forward to it for several weeks. I will recount the majority of the evening for you in picture form.
We dropped the kids off with their grandparents and had a glorious 24 hours to ourselves.
The evening saw me starting out with this as my under attire...
Jay was keen to have me show off my nipple piercings, so I was required to wear this outfit to the party to accomplish just that task...
We happened to see hoola hoop girl(she can be seen in the post recounting last month's fetish party) out on the patio where she was watching a little show with other folks, and having some pictures taken. I mentioned to Jay that I wish I could take some photos with her. The next thing I know, he has made the request and she and I are taking some naughty, fun photos together. I have always been ambivalent about whether or not I would enjoy being dominated by a woman. While there was no real domination going on here beyond posing for photos, there was enough for me to get a good idea that I would very much enjoy being dominated by the right type of woman...my dear Gracie comes to mind whom I have had a crush on for a very long time.
Of course there were also shows for tantalizing and teasing other than me getting all giddy taking pictures with Hoola Hoop girl...
There was also plenty of dancing...
I must also sheepishly admit that I got quite a bit more intoxicated on this evening than I normally do. I normally have nothing more than a good buzz going both because these events are so much more fun to experience sober and because I am 40 years old and too damn old to deal with the after effects of too much drinking especially when I have children I have to get up and take care of the next day. I only had 2 drinks at the party, but they were apparently stronger than normal...combine that with the margaritas we had at dinner 3 or 4 hours before, and you have a recipe for me to be sitting on a sofa in the corner of the bar letting Jay take these pictures by the end of the evening...
Very naughty behavior even for this setting! The toy you see in my hand is my latest toy from my friend Shelly that I will be reviewing soon.
We also met some new friends and bought a really divine smelling massage candle.
Overall, it was a great evening. Our next planned outing is a Halloween fetish party the weekend before Halloween. We are looking forward to another great time!
We dropped the kids off with their grandparents and had a glorious 24 hours to ourselves.
The evening saw me starting out with this as my under attire...
Jay was keen to have me show off my nipple piercings, so I was required to wear this outfit to the party to accomplish just that task...
We happened to see hoola hoop girl(she can be seen in the post recounting last month's fetish party) out on the patio where she was watching a little show with other folks, and having some pictures taken. I mentioned to Jay that I wish I could take some photos with her. The next thing I know, he has made the request and she and I are taking some naughty, fun photos together. I have always been ambivalent about whether or not I would enjoy being dominated by a woman. While there was no real domination going on here beyond posing for photos, there was enough for me to get a good idea that I would very much enjoy being dominated by the right type of woman...my dear Gracie comes to mind whom I have had a crush on for a very long time.
Of course there were also shows for tantalizing and teasing other than me getting all giddy taking pictures with Hoola Hoop girl...
There was also plenty of dancing...
I must also sheepishly admit that I got quite a bit more intoxicated on this evening than I normally do. I normally have nothing more than a good buzz going both because these events are so much more fun to experience sober and because I am 40 years old and too damn old to deal with the after effects of too much drinking especially when I have children I have to get up and take care of the next day. I only had 2 drinks at the party, but they were apparently stronger than normal...combine that with the margaritas we had at dinner 3 or 4 hours before, and you have a recipe for me to be sitting on a sofa in the corner of the bar letting Jay take these pictures by the end of the evening...
Very naughty behavior even for this setting! The toy you see in my hand is my latest toy from my friend Shelly that I will be reviewing soon.
We also met some new friends and bought a really divine smelling massage candle.
Overall, it was a great evening. Our next planned outing is a Halloween fetish party the weekend before Halloween. We are looking forward to another great time!
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