I treated myself to the new Nickelback album this weekend, and was not disappointed as I was with their last album. This one is fantastic. This song, Lullaby, in particular has special meaning for me. It takes me back to my teenage years when I was in this sort of space. Depression and I are old friends unfortunately. Fortunately, those dark thoughts did not return with the latest several years wrangle with the big D. I think probably because I have a family now and could never do such a thing to my children, although I must be honest in saying they did indeed begin to creep back in the 2 or 3 weeks I was waiting for this most recent medication change to kick in and begin to work. It's exhausting feeling like death warmed over every day and trying to function in all your expected roles. Medications that work wondefully, and then for no reason at all just stop working makes one feel tired and hopeless. I had begun to reach a point where I was losing hope I would ever get out of this hole, and just wanted to rest. Fortunately the medication did kick in, and I found a great new therapist and those dark thoughts subsided. However,this song Lullaby speaks to me deeply as it describes certain periods of my life.
My experiences make me think perhaps I should find an organization that can allow me to help others in this same place. It makes me wish I had taken my undergraduate degree in psychology and gone on to graduate school as I had originally planned. Had I done that I would now be in a much more fulfilling career instead of sitting behind a desk doing meaningless work everyday.
I have always had the desire to serve and to help others since I was a teenager, but as I grow oler the desire is even stronger. I work with a couple of my special places, but I want to do so much more and there just isn't enough of me and enough time to go around. Ah, perhaps one of these days my dream of doing more will become a reality.