I am not sure where to begin this post. It is sure to be a whiny one, no matter how I compose it. It's not sex related, so stop right here if you're searching for something hot and steamy to help you along. Remember that emptiness I brought up
here? Try as I might, I can't seem to find that one magical thing that will fill it.
It's not surprising really, I've been searching for it to no avail most of my life. It's only been recently that I have matured enough to become aware that searching was what I was doing...this next bite of food will do it, this high will do it, getting married will do it, having a child will do it, fitting into size "X" will do it, this relationship will do it. Guess what, none of those things did it more than temporarily. I am not suggesting I dont love my children with all my heart or that I am not happy to be married to Jay. I'm only honestly stating they were some of the things I genuinely believed would bring me constant, everlasting happiness. Guess what happens when the things you used to fill up the empty spaces stop working, or are taken from you...you get depressed.
I have shyed away from sharing this side of myself here, reserving this space only for well adjusted, erotic, deviant Mimi, but that's not always who I am (much to Jay's dismay). Who I am is erotic, deviant, sexy, but also someone who feels empty much of the time, someone who has struggled with depression since her teens. I've decided maybe I can share that not so sexy side of me too because I know at least a few of you dear readers feel that emptiness too.
I struggled with depression in varying degrees throughout my late teens and early twenties. It improved after that and all but disappeared after I met Jay. We married, had a child of our own three years later in addition to his son he brought into the marriage that I raised as my own. Happiness and fulfillment abounded in my life during this time. I felt I had finally escaped the demons that plagued me in my younger years.
Slowly things began to go awry. I was faced with some of the more unpleasant realities of life, and lost some of the things that were dear to me and that had helped bolster my sense of who I had become (things that filled the empty spaces), and eventually the depression came back full force about 4 years ago. I tried to deal with it on my own until just last year. Refusing to seek help because that would be an admission of failure of sorts. I had believed that scared misfit of a girl was long dead and buried, yet here she was raising her ugly head again.
So I woke up each morning with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, pulled myself out of bed despite the crushing despair, and felt proud that I at least got up and showed up at work each day. I slogged through each day as best I could finding little joy in anything. Then I would return home often impatient and angry with my children,or arguing with Jay because he just couldn't understand what was wrong with me, never having experienced depressed Mimi before.
Finally last fall I had to admit that I couldn't live like this anymore. I had sought help in the form of talk therapy off and on, but I had to admit the problem was bigger than me, and I needed more than that. I finally agreed to medication. Since then I have been on 3 different medications. The 3rd one seems to be the charm as it has worked well for me for about 6 months now.
Lately, however the discontent, irritability, restlesness and emptiness are rearing their ugly heads again. And I am confronted with the question that never seems to leave me..."What will fill the empty space?" I return to the old methods and feel even more empty and frustrated when they no longer work. I miss the good old days when I could fool myself enough to keep the darkness at bay with one trick or another.
My gut tells me simply swallowing the right pill everyday is not enough. It can clear the fog and make Mimi function again, but my heart tells me the full answers lie in the metaphysical. So I study, I meditate, I pray and still can't find the sense of peace I seek.
I am tired today...tired of contentment being so elusive, tired of happiness being so much work, tired of seeking and never finding. Just tired...
7 comments:
This post touched me as I can relate to so much of what you say here. I struggle with this "searching" thing as you do and have success temporarily filling the voids but it never lasts. I have been on medication for a few years now, and while it "takes the edge off", it isn't an all encompassing solution. And so I do as you do, search, meditate, contemplate. I'm hoping one day to figure it out but until then, I so understand the tiredness you feel. Hugs to you.
xoxo,
Bella
Bella...Thanks for your kind comment. There is something very comforting in knowing you are not alone in your struggles. I hope we both one day find what we are searching for.
Mimi,
I wish I had something I could say or do to help you out. If I were to tell you anything it would probably not help. Good luck and remember we are always here to listen
It might not be emptyness so much as a joy deficit. Things like getting up in the morning are unplesant. If you think of it like a cost, then it becomes much easier to visualise like a income/expenditure spread sheet. If your unpleasant costs throughout the day are more than your incoming joys, your simply in the red in terms of happyness.
The way our society is structured, it forces alot of unpleasantness costs onto people (like getting up way early in the morning for work). It is difficult to cull out these costs because of that. Also count up your joys (ie, count your blessings) and try and make sure you absorb as many each day as you can without incurring more unpleasantness costs. If you miss out on any, it makes the deficit worse.
Or maybe it's something else. The human mind is complicated (or atleast to itself it is)
Big D...you are such a sweet man. Sometimes I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug :-)
Callan...You do have a valid and important point with the joy deficit. Sometimes my mind is in a place where it is easier to count my blessings and find joy in the ordinary everyday things than others. I wish I could simply remain in that place all the time. But then that's what all the studying and medititating and praying is about, isn't it?
Thank you for taking the time to offer your advice.
Mimi. I am saddened to hear that you are having trouble. I applaud your honesty and your determination to get help.
Joy is something so intensely personal, that suggestions are not useful for finding it.
Not sure where you will find joy but I hope you find it, soon. Even small bits, which can give you strength to keep looking.
Liras...thank you for your kind concern. I do find joy, plenty of it when I look with the right frame of mind.
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