Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Licking the Computer Screen
Has anyone discovered this photo of Debra Messing in Allure magazine yet. I have had a "thing" for her for many years. Ever since "Will and Grace" which is arguably one of the funniest shows of all time!!
My first reaction was a whispered "Oh my God." Then I had this overwhelming desire to lick the screen from her toes to her head. She has appeared in my sexual fantasies many times. Such a HOT, sexy woman!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The Pump
My breast pump arrived on Saturday!!! I was giddy with anticipation until I had the opportunity to use it later that afternoon. It was quite an experience.
I pressed the cone shaped cup to my breast, turned on the pump and felt the familiar tug at my nipple that I recalled from some 9 years ago. Colostrum almost immediately began to trickle out of my nipple. I take that as a good sign that I might eventually have some success with convincing my body to lactate again. Jay also found a tea it is recommended that I drink.
I relaxed and enjoyed the sucking and tugging at my nipple by the pump as Jay lay on the bed with me and watched. After 15 minutes I switched to the other breast, my first breast leaking little droplets of colostrum from the nipple.
As the pump began its tugging at my second breast, Jay handed me my egg and suggested I pleasure myself as the pump did its work. I closed my eyes, the pump sucking at my nipple, the egg vibrating against my clit and imagined Jay and my Hot Englishman each lying alongside me, eagerly sucking milk that was flowing freely from my breasts. I imagined feeling each of their hard cocks pressed against my thighs. I imagined my breasts shooting out streams of milk as they each stroked their cocks over me until their ribbons of cum entwined with the milk pouring from my breasts. Turned on beyond restriant, I felt my cunt begin to spasm as orgasm washed over me in wave after wave. I panted and groaned as the spasms subsided and the pump continued to suck at my tit.
I had the insane idea implanted in my head the other day of experiencing an orgasm at the same time as milk letdown. It seems like more pleasure than I could endure at once, but I am more than eager to give it a try.
I pressed the cone shaped cup to my breast, turned on the pump and felt the familiar tug at my nipple that I recalled from some 9 years ago. Colostrum almost immediately began to trickle out of my nipple. I take that as a good sign that I might eventually have some success with convincing my body to lactate again. Jay also found a tea it is recommended that I drink.
I relaxed and enjoyed the sucking and tugging at my nipple by the pump as Jay lay on the bed with me and watched. After 15 minutes I switched to the other breast, my first breast leaking little droplets of colostrum from the nipple.
As the pump began its tugging at my second breast, Jay handed me my egg and suggested I pleasure myself as the pump did its work. I closed my eyes, the pump sucking at my nipple, the egg vibrating against my clit and imagined Jay and my Hot Englishman each lying alongside me, eagerly sucking milk that was flowing freely from my breasts. I imagined feeling each of their hard cocks pressed against my thighs. I imagined my breasts shooting out streams of milk as they each stroked their cocks over me until their ribbons of cum entwined with the milk pouring from my breasts. Turned on beyond restriant, I felt my cunt begin to spasm as orgasm washed over me in wave after wave. I panted and groaned as the spasms subsided and the pump continued to suck at my tit.
I had the insane idea implanted in my head the other day of experiencing an orgasm at the same time as milk letdown. It seems like more pleasure than I could endure at once, but I am more than eager to give it a try.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Thought for Today
The message on my flip calendar for today:
"The process of personal growth isn't always easy. We must face our own ugliness. We ofen must become painfully aware of the unworkability of a pattern before we're willing to give it up. It often seems, in fact, that our lives get worse rather than better when we begin to work deeply on ourselves."
Gives me comfort that this experience has been traversed by others before me. I finally feel myself hitting my knees and declaring, "I am ready to begin now" rather than just playing at it and the idea that change would be good for me but just not right now due to excuse A.B or C.
"The process of personal growth isn't always easy. We must face our own ugliness. We ofen must become painfully aware of the unworkability of a pattern before we're willing to give it up. It often seems, in fact, that our lives get worse rather than better when we begin to work deeply on ourselves."
Gives me comfort that this experience has been traversed by others before me. I finally feel myself hitting my knees and declaring, "I am ready to begin now" rather than just playing at it and the idea that change would be good for me but just not right now due to excuse A.B or C.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Lullaby
I treated myself to the new Nickelback album this weekend, and was not disappointed as I was with their last album. This one is fantastic. This song, Lullaby, in particular has special meaning for me. It takes me back to my teenage years when I was in this sort of space. Depression and I are old friends unfortunately. Fortunately, those dark thoughts did not return with the latest several years wrangle with the big D. I think probably because I have a family now and could never do such a thing to my children, although I must be honest in saying they did indeed begin to creep back in the 2 or 3 weeks I was waiting for this most recent medication change to kick in and begin to work. It's exhausting feeling like death warmed over every day and trying to function in all your expected roles. Medications that work wondefully, and then for no reason at all just stop working makes one feel tired and hopeless. I had begun to reach a point where I was losing hope I would ever get out of this hole, and just wanted to rest. Fortunately the medication did kick in, and I found a great new therapist and those dark thoughts subsided. However,this song Lullaby speaks to me deeply as it describes certain periods of my life.
My experiences make me think perhaps I should find an organization that can allow me to help others in this same place. It makes me wish I had taken my undergraduate degree in psychology and gone on to graduate school as I had originally planned. Had I done that I would now be in a much more fulfilling career instead of sitting behind a desk doing meaningless work everyday.
I have always had the desire to serve and to help others since I was a teenager, but as I grow oler the desire is even stronger. I work with a couple of my special places, but I want to do so much more and there just isn't enough of me and enough time to go around. Ah, perhaps one of these days my dream of doing more will become a reality.
My experiences make me think perhaps I should find an organization that can allow me to help others in this same place. It makes me wish I had taken my undergraduate degree in psychology and gone on to graduate school as I had originally planned. Had I done that I would now be in a much more fulfilling career instead of sitting behind a desk doing meaningless work everyday.
I have always had the desire to serve and to help others since I was a teenager, but as I grow oler the desire is even stronger. I work with a couple of my special places, but I want to do so much more and there just isn't enough of me and enough time to go around. Ah, perhaps one of these days my dream of doing more will become a reality.
Monday, November 21, 2011
My Life in Dreams
I had a dream last night about someone I was in love with, but have not thought about in quite some time. I guess my subconscious must have been thinking about him for a while though! It was a very vivid dream. One of those that spills over into your waking time the next day, and clouds the whole day with thoughts, feelings and memories of that person.
Today I am stuck in the past paying tribute to the ghost of my former love. Sometimes when I have vivid dreams like this about someone I knew its effects are gone within a day, while other times they can linger for several days. I can’t help but ask myself if there is something my subconscious is trying to work out about this man. My conscious mind is 100% certain that it has accepted this person's absence from my life and is fine with it, but my subconcious seems to have something more to say on the matter. I don’t care to share the details of the dream as they are intensely personal and fraught with feeling, but many aspects of it seem to have clearly been my subconscious sorting through feelings and longings.
Funny how there are just some people who never leave our hearts no matter how long the actual physical relationship itself has been over.
Today I am stuck in the past paying tribute to the ghost of my former love. Sometimes when I have vivid dreams like this about someone I knew its effects are gone within a day, while other times they can linger for several days. I can’t help but ask myself if there is something my subconscious is trying to work out about this man. My conscious mind is 100% certain that it has accepted this person's absence from my life and is fine with it, but my subconcious seems to have something more to say on the matter. I don’t care to share the details of the dream as they are intensely personal and fraught with feeling, but many aspects of it seem to have clearly been my subconscious sorting through feelings and longings.
Funny how there are just some people who never leave our hearts no matter how long the actual physical relationship itself has been over.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Mimi's Back
I'm back, dear reader, as you may have noticed by my most recent post. I have been away for several months battling that dastardly depression that raised it's ugly head again 4 months or so ago. It finally got so bad that I found myself a new psychiatrist, got on a new medication which after 3 weeks or so began to work much better than any other medication I ever have been on, and began to see a therapist. I feel like a new person and it feels WONDERFUL!!
For any out there who may follow my blog and suffer from depression, I say to you GET THE HELP YOU NEED!! One of the ugly, frustrating (especially for those close to you) things depression does to you is rob you of your energy, your ability to make decisions, and your ability to act. This means it can be difficult to pull yourself together enough to even seek help, but in most cases, it's not going to get better until you seek treatment, be it medication, counseling or a combination of the two. I was fortunate to have Jay who continued to urge me to get my medication changed, and seek help. There is also a stigma attached to any sort of mental illness that prevents some from admiting they have a problem and seeking help. To this I say, it is a medical condition just like diabetes, high blood pressure or any other physical malady and NOTHING to be ashamed about. You can feel so much better, and live a healthy happy life if you just seek out the right treatments.
My Jay has been very supportive through all this, although admittedly very frustrated at times. He constantly reassured me that we would get through this and everything would be ok. This Sugarland song always makes me think of him and how he has tried to support and help me through this. He truely is my best friend, my lover and my partner in this crazy world.
"So when your heart is heavy like a stone from carrying it's load/And you look into the mirror and see someone you don't know/When the shadows are closing in on you like a hand around your throat/I will shine the light"
This is quite an apt description of what depression feels like for me.
"Some roads we all will have to walk alone/But waiting there in the end is a heart that calls you friend/That's me, clapping the loudest, welcoming you home."
I feel that I have been absent from my life altogether for the past several months, and although Jay could not experience the pain and misery with me, he was my comfort and my cheerleader urging me to find my way back.
I hope to be sharing naughty, debaucherous thoughts with you again soon.
For any out there who may follow my blog and suffer from depression, I say to you GET THE HELP YOU NEED!! One of the ugly, frustrating (especially for those close to you) things depression does to you is rob you of your energy, your ability to make decisions, and your ability to act. This means it can be difficult to pull yourself together enough to even seek help, but in most cases, it's not going to get better until you seek treatment, be it medication, counseling or a combination of the two. I was fortunate to have Jay who continued to urge me to get my medication changed, and seek help. There is also a stigma attached to any sort of mental illness that prevents some from admiting they have a problem and seeking help. To this I say, it is a medical condition just like diabetes, high blood pressure or any other physical malady and NOTHING to be ashamed about. You can feel so much better, and live a healthy happy life if you just seek out the right treatments.
My Jay has been very supportive through all this, although admittedly very frustrated at times. He constantly reassured me that we would get through this and everything would be ok. This Sugarland song always makes me think of him and how he has tried to support and help me through this. He truely is my best friend, my lover and my partner in this crazy world.
"So when your heart is heavy like a stone from carrying it's load/And you look into the mirror and see someone you don't know/When the shadows are closing in on you like a hand around your throat/I will shine the light"
This is quite an apt description of what depression feels like for me.
"Some roads we all will have to walk alone/But waiting there in the end is a heart that calls you friend/That's me, clapping the loudest, welcoming you home."
I feel that I have been absent from my life altogether for the past several months, and although Jay could not experience the pain and misery with me, he was my comfort and my cheerleader urging me to find my way back.
I hope to be sharing naughty, debaucherous thoughts with you again soon.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
His Kiss
The first time you kissed me popped into my mind today out of the blue, and I found myself relaxing into the erotic, yet also now nostalgic memories.
When your lips first met mine my first thought was that they were like no other lips I had ever kissed before. Their overriding sensation was that of fullness. They caressed my own lips like a soft, warm pillow. As your tongue darted into my mouth, I sighed, my hands going to the back of your head, my knees buckling ever so slightly. All sense of time or our surroundings was lost to me.
Soon after I found myself on a bed beneath you, both of us fully clothed, writhing around with a burning desire for you. My mind’s eye can still see us...my legs entwined with yours, your cock pressing hard and insistent against my thigh through your jeans, my hands in your hair, our lips feverishly locked together as I paused to breathe into your mouth, “I want this so much,” followed quickly by my frenzied tugging at your shirt, desperate for skin on skin contact. My crotch is moist and swollen even all these years later as I savor the memory of those moments with you.
When our desire had been satisfied for the moment, what heavenly small little kisses we exchanged, our tongues darting gently in and out of each others mouth as we lay face to face, and I found myself mesmerized by your stunning green eyes.
I recall at some point later, standing on my tiptoes to better reach your lips as I kissed you in my stocking feet, deeply aroused by your superior height and strength as you lifted me off my feet for an embrace. We delayed the inevitable as long as possible as we stood there kissing and touching one another.
Even all these years later, when that time in our lives has long been put to bed, despite the things that may not have gone right between us, your kiss is a warm and cozy memory forever filed in my brain and etched on my heart.
When your lips first met mine my first thought was that they were like no other lips I had ever kissed before. Their overriding sensation was that of fullness. They caressed my own lips like a soft, warm pillow. As your tongue darted into my mouth, I sighed, my hands going to the back of your head, my knees buckling ever so slightly. All sense of time or our surroundings was lost to me.
Soon after I found myself on a bed beneath you, both of us fully clothed, writhing around with a burning desire for you. My mind’s eye can still see us...my legs entwined with yours, your cock pressing hard and insistent against my thigh through your jeans, my hands in your hair, our lips feverishly locked together as I paused to breathe into your mouth, “I want this so much,” followed quickly by my frenzied tugging at your shirt, desperate for skin on skin contact. My crotch is moist and swollen even all these years later as I savor the memory of those moments with you.
When our desire had been satisfied for the moment, what heavenly small little kisses we exchanged, our tongues darting gently in and out of each others mouth as we lay face to face, and I found myself mesmerized by your stunning green eyes.
I recall at some point later, standing on my tiptoes to better reach your lips as I kissed you in my stocking feet, deeply aroused by your superior height and strength as you lifted me off my feet for an embrace. We delayed the inevitable as long as possible as we stood there kissing and touching one another.
Even all these years later, when that time in our lives has long been put to bed, despite the things that may not have gone right between us, your kiss is a warm and cozy memory forever filed in my brain and etched on my heart.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Please
I like your pants around your feet
I like the dirt that’s on your knees
I like the way you still say please while you’re lookin’ up at me
You’re like my favorite damn disease
Lyrics from a Nickelback song I heard this morning on the way to work that never fail to turn me on. Of course we all know which line it is that just makes me a puddle of wet, writhing mush don’t we? Ding, ding, ding…you have won if you chose line #3!
Those four lines paint an entire picture for me, and it’s terribly erotic. It is a picture of myself on my knees on the floor of a dirty hotel room or public bathroom, my pants feverishly shoved into a messy, tangled heap at my feet. He towers over me (sometimes it is a specific “he” sometimes not, but always he is towering over me) his bulging cock inches from my face as I look up at him and whisper “please.” That “please” means so many things…please let me suck your cock for you, please relieve this ache between my legs, please fuck me, please tell me what to do, please use me for your pleasure, please let me belong to you.
I am wet just thinking about what the word “Please” means to me.
I like the dirt that’s on your knees
I like the way you still say please while you’re lookin’ up at me
You’re like my favorite damn disease
Lyrics from a Nickelback song I heard this morning on the way to work that never fail to turn me on. Of course we all know which line it is that just makes me a puddle of wet, writhing mush don’t we? Ding, ding, ding…you have won if you chose line #3!
Those four lines paint an entire picture for me, and it’s terribly erotic. It is a picture of myself on my knees on the floor of a dirty hotel room or public bathroom, my pants feverishly shoved into a messy, tangled heap at my feet. He towers over me (sometimes it is a specific “he” sometimes not, but always he is towering over me) his bulging cock inches from my face as I look up at him and whisper “please.” That “please” means so many things…please let me suck your cock for you, please relieve this ache between my legs, please fuck me, please tell me what to do, please use me for your pleasure, please let me belong to you.
I am wet just thinking about what the word “Please” means to me.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
You and Tequila
I am not in a good place this weekend. I swear sometimes I think I just don't want to be content. Sometimes I think there is just something too terribly boring and ordinary in being happy with my life. Whatever the cause, the last few days have not been good ones. I comfort myself with the thought that most of the great artists were also nut cases!!
Thus, this song is on my mind. In my case, however it would be "You and Vodka make me crazy."
"One is one too many, one more is never enough..." seems a neat, succinct synopsis of my life. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that thought.
P.S. It is now Thursday and I am out of my self imposed funk. Fortunately I do know what brought it on, and have corrected it. Let's just say it had something to do with my illness a few weeks ago and the drugs they gave me, and leave it at that.
Thus, this song is on my mind. In my case, however it would be "You and Vodka make me crazy."
"One is one too many, one more is never enough..." seems a neat, succinct synopsis of my life. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that thought.
P.S. It is now Thursday and I am out of my self imposed funk. Fortunately I do know what brought it on, and have corrected it. Let's just say it had something to do with my illness a few weeks ago and the drugs they gave me, and leave it at that.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Stronger
Every time I hear this song by Sara Evans I am always reminded of a time in my life that doesn't seem as long ago as it actually was. It takes me back to the seemingly endless parade of days that I "woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain/but I brushed my teeth anyway/I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face." I am instantly transported to all the mornings and afternoons I cried the entire trip back and forth to work because it provided the most privacy for letting myself cry, then tried to fix my face so no one would know I had been crying when I arrived at my destination.
The message of this song, however, is the resiliency of the human heart. It reminds us that with enough time we all can and do get over the pain of heartbreak. Some of us take just weeks or months while others of us, like me, take years. The message I want to convey here is that I am not only just a little bit stronger, but completely done with the grieving and "what if's" of letting go. If you need to hear this message, you know who you are. Believe me when I say it has happened. I hope it brings a smile to your face.
As the song says, "I know my heart will never be the same..." but that doesn't mean it is incapable of healing and moving on. I believe I posted several posts back that I recently told Jay I feel happier than I think I ever have in my life. I honestly don't know exactly why, but I also have no desire to question it.
My life feels full and meaningful again...more meaningful than it ever has. I am more in love with my husband than I have ever been. More in love even than the day I married him. As an added bonus, I feel attractive and sexy again which translates to a wonderful sex life again for Jay and I!
I am filled with energy and enthusiasm both for my job and several volunteer opportunities I have been meaning to pursue for a long time. It seems that life is good after 40 when you finally start to figure out who the hell you are, and discover that she's a pretty cool chick!
Carpe Diem, my friends!
The message of this song, however, is the resiliency of the human heart. It reminds us that with enough time we all can and do get over the pain of heartbreak. Some of us take just weeks or months while others of us, like me, take years. The message I want to convey here is that I am not only just a little bit stronger, but completely done with the grieving and "what if's" of letting go. If you need to hear this message, you know who you are. Believe me when I say it has happened. I hope it brings a smile to your face.
As the song says, "I know my heart will never be the same..." but that doesn't mean it is incapable of healing and moving on. I believe I posted several posts back that I recently told Jay I feel happier than I think I ever have in my life. I honestly don't know exactly why, but I also have no desire to question it.
My life feels full and meaningful again...more meaningful than it ever has. I am more in love with my husband than I have ever been. More in love even than the day I married him. As an added bonus, I feel attractive and sexy again which translates to a wonderful sex life again for Jay and I!
I am filled with energy and enthusiasm both for my job and several volunteer opportunities I have been meaning to pursue for a long time. It seems that life is good after 40 when you finally start to figure out who the hell you are, and discover that she's a pretty cool chick!
Carpe Diem, my friends!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
A Dom's Love Song
Everytime I hear this song by ShineDown I think about how it perfectly describes a Dom's relationship with his sub, and it makes me wet. What is more powerful than to be owned body and soul by a man stronger than you...physically and mentally?
Jay and I may have finally found our mentor for developing our D/s relationship in the way we would both like. I'll be keeping it to myself until it unfolds a bit more.
Jay and I may have finally found our mentor for developing our D/s relationship in the way we would both like. I'll be keeping it to myself until it unfolds a bit more.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Get Off the Cross, We Need the Wood
Disclaimer: The following post has NOTHING to do with sex. There, I warned you.
I recently had an interesting and wonderful experience. Jay and I finally made the decision to join a health club. It’s a very nice one too…open 24/7, a resort-like swimming pool (indoor and outdoor), every imaginable class and piece of exercise equipment, spa, summer daycamps for our daughter. We are very excited about having finally joined.
When you go in to take a tour with a representative and actually join, they set you up with a “free” session with a personal trainer. I attended my “free” session on Sunday. I went in with the expectation that I would tell him or her that I have my aerobic exercise taken care of with running, tell them the areas of my body I would like to focus on toning, and he or she would direct me to and demonstrate the equipment that would best help me achieve those goals. Ah, but this was not to be, dear reader, as I soon discovered.
My assigned trainer whom we shall refer to as "Rick" immediately sat me down at a desk and had me fill out paperwork about my top three fitness goals which were as follows VERBATIM on my sheet(this will become important later):
1.Tone
2.Strengthen
3.Perhaps some weight loss (not my main goal)
This sheet went on to ask me to list what I ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks on a typical day. That seemed a bit much, but I went with it. For the most part I eat pretty well most days so I listed a typical day, and omitted a day when I might eat say a half a bag of Reese’s miniatures or 6 chocolate chip cookies or a bowl and a half of ice cream. Really that’s my business, not his. Rick read over the list carefully and finding little he could critique, went for the evil granola bars. “Boy you really like granola bars, don’t you? They are full of sugar. Get rid of them. Eat a protein bar instead.” When I protested that protein bars taste awful, Rick offers,” Ah well not all of them. We’ve got some great ones downstairs in the café. Check them out.” It was at this point that I began to realize this “free” personal training session was not going to be what I had hoped for.
Eventually Rick did get up and lead me into the workout area, my hopes increased that maybe now I could get what I wanted from him. Instead he led me right to his little evaluation station where he proceeded to ask me to get up on the scale to take my weight. I have quite recently made the decision that I will no longer weigh myself. I know what I weighed about 3 weeks ago, and I can tell from my clothing if I have lost, gained or maintained that weight. I no longer want to be deeply depressed or wildly ecstatic over a number on a piece of machinery. Again being the submissive sort of gal that I am, I complied with Rick’s wishes and figured he could take his number and I just wouldn’t look at it. I stood on the scale until he told me I could get down. As I did so, he gestured his head towards his computer with a very serious look obviously wanting me to take a look at the number as well. I am a human being, I couldn’t help but look. What I saw didn’t surprise me at all. I felt a bit of mild embarrassment that this total stranger (male no less) now also knew what I weighed, but I wasn’t as horrified by it as I think he wanted me to be.
We moved on from there taking various tests and measurements including the dreaded BMI. When he had determined this for me, he turned to me in his most serious of expresions and reported his findings of .35. “What does that mean?” I asked. In an even more somber delivery he replied, “This means your body is made up of 35% fat.” Again, it didn’t shock or concern me as much as it seemed to concern him.
When Rick had finished all his measurements and computations, I was handed a sheet of his findings which told me I was overweight. Really Einstein? I am shocked! I had no idea before I walked in here today that I was... dare I say the word... overweight. Remember those goals I listed at the beginning? The ones that said weight loss was not a main goal for me? Rick apparently skipped right over that part as he went on to the real purpose of our “free” personal training session which was to push his weight loss training classes and eating plan which cost quite a hefty sum over and above the monthly membership fee. I know I am not a (deep serious voice here) “personal trainer” but I am thinking that if I am running, and I desire to come in to the gym to work on my goals of toning and strengthening I just might lose a little weight as a side effect of all that.
I tell this story for a reason, dear reader. As recently as a few months ago I would have left that meeting deeply shamed and embarrassed. I would have beaten myself up as mercilessly as a Catholic nun on her period. I likely would have never returned there to work out with the “thin” people. I would have dieted and restricted myself in guilt and fear until I could stand it no longer and then binged for days or weeks until I had gained back every ounce I had managed to drop, and hated myself even more than when I began. But that didn’t happen. Other than some mild annoyance that this guy had wasted over an hour of my time I could have been spending with my daughter at the pool, I felt nothing. I left there with my self worth, confident that it wasn’t tied to a number on a scale or a BMI reading. I left there knowing that I am an attractive, sexy, lovable woman. I left with the same plan I came with... continue to run because I love it, add in some toning exercise, eat what I want when I am hungry because to do anything else makes me a crazy woman, and I just might lose some weight in the midst of all that. Would I like to lose weight? Yes. Am I about 25-30 pounds from what I consider to be a comfortable weight for myself? Yes. Will I die if I never see that weight again? No.
This shift in thought and mindset represents a huge milestone for me. It comes with decades of struggle and pain that I know many women can identify with. I no longer feel the need to nail myself to the cross because my body isn’t the right shape or size. It is such a relief and such a joyful feeling that I just can’t keep it to myself!
I recently had an interesting and wonderful experience. Jay and I finally made the decision to join a health club. It’s a very nice one too…open 24/7, a resort-like swimming pool (indoor and outdoor), every imaginable class and piece of exercise equipment, spa, summer daycamps for our daughter. We are very excited about having finally joined.
When you go in to take a tour with a representative and actually join, they set you up with a “free” session with a personal trainer. I attended my “free” session on Sunday. I went in with the expectation that I would tell him or her that I have my aerobic exercise taken care of with running, tell them the areas of my body I would like to focus on toning, and he or she would direct me to and demonstrate the equipment that would best help me achieve those goals. Ah, but this was not to be, dear reader, as I soon discovered.
My assigned trainer whom we shall refer to as "Rick" immediately sat me down at a desk and had me fill out paperwork about my top three fitness goals which were as follows VERBATIM on my sheet(this will become important later):
1.Tone
2.Strengthen
3.Perhaps some weight loss (not my main goal)
This sheet went on to ask me to list what I ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks on a typical day. That seemed a bit much, but I went with it. For the most part I eat pretty well most days so I listed a typical day, and omitted a day when I might eat say a half a bag of Reese’s miniatures or 6 chocolate chip cookies or a bowl and a half of ice cream. Really that’s my business, not his. Rick read over the list carefully and finding little he could critique, went for the evil granola bars. “Boy you really like granola bars, don’t you? They are full of sugar. Get rid of them. Eat a protein bar instead.” When I protested that protein bars taste awful, Rick offers,” Ah well not all of them. We’ve got some great ones downstairs in the café. Check them out.” It was at this point that I began to realize this “free” personal training session was not going to be what I had hoped for.
Eventually Rick did get up and lead me into the workout area, my hopes increased that maybe now I could get what I wanted from him. Instead he led me right to his little evaluation station where he proceeded to ask me to get up on the scale to take my weight. I have quite recently made the decision that I will no longer weigh myself. I know what I weighed about 3 weeks ago, and I can tell from my clothing if I have lost, gained or maintained that weight. I no longer want to be deeply depressed or wildly ecstatic over a number on a piece of machinery. Again being the submissive sort of gal that I am, I complied with Rick’s wishes and figured he could take his number and I just wouldn’t look at it. I stood on the scale until he told me I could get down. As I did so, he gestured his head towards his computer with a very serious look obviously wanting me to take a look at the number as well. I am a human being, I couldn’t help but look. What I saw didn’t surprise me at all. I felt a bit of mild embarrassment that this total stranger (male no less) now also knew what I weighed, but I wasn’t as horrified by it as I think he wanted me to be.
We moved on from there taking various tests and measurements including the dreaded BMI. When he had determined this for me, he turned to me in his most serious of expresions and reported his findings of .35. “What does that mean?” I asked. In an even more somber delivery he replied, “This means your body is made up of 35% fat.” Again, it didn’t shock or concern me as much as it seemed to concern him.
When Rick had finished all his measurements and computations, I was handed a sheet of his findings which told me I was overweight. Really Einstein? I am shocked! I had no idea before I walked in here today that I was... dare I say the word... overweight. Remember those goals I listed at the beginning? The ones that said weight loss was not a main goal for me? Rick apparently skipped right over that part as he went on to the real purpose of our “free” personal training session which was to push his weight loss training classes and eating plan which cost quite a hefty sum over and above the monthly membership fee. I know I am not a (deep serious voice here) “personal trainer” but I am thinking that if I am running, and I desire to come in to the gym to work on my goals of toning and strengthening I just might lose a little weight as a side effect of all that.
I tell this story for a reason, dear reader. As recently as a few months ago I would have left that meeting deeply shamed and embarrassed. I would have beaten myself up as mercilessly as a Catholic nun on her period. I likely would have never returned there to work out with the “thin” people. I would have dieted and restricted myself in guilt and fear until I could stand it no longer and then binged for days or weeks until I had gained back every ounce I had managed to drop, and hated myself even more than when I began. But that didn’t happen. Other than some mild annoyance that this guy had wasted over an hour of my time I could have been spending with my daughter at the pool, I felt nothing. I left there with my self worth, confident that it wasn’t tied to a number on a scale or a BMI reading. I left there knowing that I am an attractive, sexy, lovable woman. I left with the same plan I came with... continue to run because I love it, add in some toning exercise, eat what I want when I am hungry because to do anything else makes me a crazy woman, and I just might lose some weight in the midst of all that. Would I like to lose weight? Yes. Am I about 25-30 pounds from what I consider to be a comfortable weight for myself? Yes. Will I die if I never see that weight again? No.
This shift in thought and mindset represents a huge milestone for me. It comes with decades of struggle and pain that I know many women can identify with. I no longer feel the need to nail myself to the cross because my body isn’t the right shape or size. It is such a relief and such a joyful feeling that I just can’t keep it to myself!
Friday, April 29, 2011
What He Said
This is the hottest thing that has been said to me in a very long time:
"When I smack you, your eyes will roll in your head."
"When I smack you, your eyes will roll in your head."
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The Unbearable Affliction of Yearning
I WANT...often with a painful intensity. I want with such a raging hunger I fear it can never be satisfied. It threatens to swallow me whole, this wanting. It snarls and growls at me in it's endless demand to be satisfied.
I am a fish on a hook...writhing on my own desire. My peace of mind the sacrificial lamb to my depravity.
My mind is overwhelmed with images of filth...intwined tongues, pulsing sex organs, naked flesh, your hands, your eyes, your mouth on me.
Don't deny me again with your exhausting logic and ever present reason. Want me as I want you. Soothe the wailing voice that insists on being fulfilled. Join me in my thirst for lust, and unfetter my bound heart.
I am a fish on a hook...writhing on my own desire. My peace of mind the sacrificial lamb to my depravity.
My mind is overwhelmed with images of filth...intwined tongues, pulsing sex organs, naked flesh, your hands, your eyes, your mouth on me.
Don't deny me again with your exhausting logic and ever present reason. Want me as I want you. Soothe the wailing voice that insists on being fulfilled. Join me in my thirst for lust, and unfetter my bound heart.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
New Directions
Jay and I have decided that we have come to the conclusion of one facet of our odyssey of sexual exploration. We have agreed that we will no longer invite a 3rd party into our sex life. It was a scintillating idea for a time. However, of the 5 encounters we had over the past 3 years, one was so horrible I still wish I could undo it, another was unenjoyable for me and fraught with jealousy for Jay, two were actually fun and satisfying, while the 5th was hot, satisfying for me and very confusing all at the same time.
In general, I believe neither of us have ever been 100% comfortable with the idea, but each agreed to try it for our own reasons. My reasons centered around a desire to revive a failing sex drive, pleasing Jay and replacing something I had lost. He may wish to speak for himself later, but I think Jay's reasons revolved around wanting to try something new, and the simple pleasure of watching his wife have sex. He got to enjoy his own live action porn scene with his wife as the star.
It's a difficult thing to pull off. There were jealousy issues, there were hurt feelings, there were guilty and even shameful feelings for me. The small payoffs we got were not worth all of the angst that went along with it. This sort of play just never felt comfortable for me, nor truth be told, do I think if felt comfortable for Jay. I found it often unnerving and akward to engage in sexual relations with another man in front of my husband. While I did derive sexual pleasure from some of our encounters, my overriding emotion surrounding it all was shame. I can't get past the societal mores that teach me such behavior is wrong, even taboo.
It is my personal belief that intimacy between 2 people will eventually suffer if this is an ongoing lifestyle. I know there are those out there blogging away about their success and enjoyment of some variation of this "open" lifestyle. I think there are indeed a handful of couples out there for whom this works well. If it works for you, I say, embrace it and enjoy it! For Jay and me, it was not the answer.
This is certainly not to say we are returning to a simple "vanilla" sex life. I still long to be dominated, controlled, treated like his cherished little "pet." I have discovered I am more of a spank me, choke me, tie me up kind of sub than an objectify me and share me with others sub. I have found my limits the hard way it seems.
In general, I believe neither of us have ever been 100% comfortable with the idea, but each agreed to try it for our own reasons. My reasons centered around a desire to revive a failing sex drive, pleasing Jay and replacing something I had lost. He may wish to speak for himself later, but I think Jay's reasons revolved around wanting to try something new, and the simple pleasure of watching his wife have sex. He got to enjoy his own live action porn scene with his wife as the star.
It's a difficult thing to pull off. There were jealousy issues, there were hurt feelings, there were guilty and even shameful feelings for me. The small payoffs we got were not worth all of the angst that went along with it. This sort of play just never felt comfortable for me, nor truth be told, do I think if felt comfortable for Jay. I found it often unnerving and akward to engage in sexual relations with another man in front of my husband. While I did derive sexual pleasure from some of our encounters, my overriding emotion surrounding it all was shame. I can't get past the societal mores that teach me such behavior is wrong, even taboo.
It is my personal belief that intimacy between 2 people will eventually suffer if this is an ongoing lifestyle. I know there are those out there blogging away about their success and enjoyment of some variation of this "open" lifestyle. I think there are indeed a handful of couples out there for whom this works well. If it works for you, I say, embrace it and enjoy it! For Jay and me, it was not the answer.
This is certainly not to say we are returning to a simple "vanilla" sex life. I still long to be dominated, controlled, treated like his cherished little "pet." I have discovered I am more of a spank me, choke me, tie me up kind of sub than an objectify me and share me with others sub. I have found my limits the hard way it seems.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Do You Think Many People Have This Problem?
I went for a massage this afternoon. It was heavenly as always. However, as she began to massage the top of my butt, I panicked. The thought running through my mind was this, "Oh God, do I have any fresh bruises on my ass?"
After a little pondering, I realized Jay and I have not had any play sessions in the immediate past, and my ass should be free of any bruising. I relaxed once I made this determination.
Really, how many people do you suppose there are that have to stop and think about whether or not they have spanking bruises on their ass when they go in for a massage?!
After a little pondering, I realized Jay and I have not had any play sessions in the immediate past, and my ass should be free of any bruising. I relaxed once I made this determination.
Really, how many people do you suppose there are that have to stop and think about whether or not they have spanking bruises on their ass when they go in for a massage?!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Incognito
I went in today for my semi-annual hair cut. On a whim, I decided to have my stylist blow dry it straight. I have wondered for some time now how I would look with straightened hair. Little did I know that not only would Jay REALLY hate it, he would be totally pissed off at me for the remainder of the day. Even after I made him understand it was a completely temporary thing... that I would return to the natural curls he knew and loved as soon as I washed my hair the next day...he was still rattled for the rest of the day.
While I much prefer the natural curls myself, it was a fun diversion from the everyday. It is such a radical departure from my normal hairstyle that I almost felt as if I were walking about in disguise today. I feel that it lends me a much more dominant, agressive, woman of the world type of look, which is probably exactly why it touched such a nerve in Jay. Our personalities are very opposite... he is dominant and protective while I am submissive and nurturing. We both like it this way, and find that it works very well for us. I suppose the new look kind of threw all of that off kilter for him, not to mention the fact that he complained that I looked like his Mom and his sister!!
I'll give you a peek at both do's and you decide which is your favorite.
Straight...
Or Curly...
While I much prefer the natural curls myself, it was a fun diversion from the everyday. It is such a radical departure from my normal hairstyle that I almost felt as if I were walking about in disguise today. I feel that it lends me a much more dominant, agressive, woman of the world type of look, which is probably exactly why it touched such a nerve in Jay. Our personalities are very opposite... he is dominant and protective while I am submissive and nurturing. We both like it this way, and find that it works very well for us. I suppose the new look kind of threw all of that off kilter for him, not to mention the fact that he complained that I looked like his Mom and his sister!!
I'll give you a peek at both do's and you decide which is your favorite.
Straight...
Or Curly...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Today on the Calender
I have a calender with a message for each day on my kitchen counter. Today's message was so meaningful for me, I just had to share it...
"Often the true path of love begins only when romance has begun to taper off, for love is the capacity to see light when darkness has begun to eclipse it."
On another note...Jay and I had a great time at another of Mon Cherie's fetish parties last night...this time with a Christmas theme! I hope to have some photos for you soon!
"Often the true path of love begins only when romance has begun to taper off, for love is the capacity to see light when darkness has begun to eclipse it."
On another note...Jay and I had a great time at another of Mon Cherie's fetish parties last night...this time with a Christmas theme! I hope to have some photos for you soon!
Friday, December 10, 2010
What Do You Want to Do With the Rest of Your Life?
My last remaining grandparent ( my maternal grandmother) passed away last Saturday. If I am honest, I wasn't as close to her as my paternal grandparents who passed away last year, and the loss was not quite as difficult. However, I did of course love her, and after my paternal grandparents passed I comforted myself with the thought that I still had one grandparent left, so things were still kind of normal. With my grandmother's passing this week, I have lost an entire generation of my family. All that remains are memories, photographs, and certain sentimental items. It changes in some ways the entire landscape of life.
I can't help but be unnerved by the realization that the next generation to go will be my own parents, hopefully a good 20-30 years from now. If I am bewildered and melancholy by the loss of my grandparents, how in the world will I survive the loss of my parents? Something I try not to think about too terribly much.
I don't like the age I have become....the age where loved ones begin to die from, well, simple old age. I have witnessed several friends my own age lose their parents in recent years, and it is terribly unsettling. I have a friend who lost her parents 5 or 6 years ago, and is still clearly not over it. I don't think one would ever fully recover from the loss of a parent. I imagine in some ways one would feel like an orphan no matter what age they were.
While I have tried valiantly to pretend it is not happening, Jay's father is coming to the end stages of a serious illness he has lived with for some years now. It fills me with a sense of dread. I don't know what to do or say to help him with this. I feel quite helpless. I just try to trust that the right words and gestures will be given to me when they are needed.
All of this pondering of death lately can't help but bring me squarely face to face with my own mortality. When I was 20 I think I truely did believe I and those I loved would live forever. Now at age 40, having witnessed the passing of 2 sets of grandparents, I know every life is finite. This begs the question...what do you plan to do with the remaining 40 or 50 years of your life?
I think about all the time I wasted in my younger days. Afraid to try new things for fear of failing. Afraid to approach new people for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Constantly judging myself as lacking in one way or another and missing out on so much life because of it. I think it's high time I stop nailing myself to the cross every chance I get.
I feel this great desire to serve lately...not in the D/s sense of serving , but the more spiritual sense of the word ( so sorry to disappoint my freaky fans out there, ha, ha). I'm not entirely sure in what capacity just yet, but my eyes have been wide open and I have taken advantage of the small opportunities that have come my way in recent weeks. I think this will become my greatest path for happiness and fulfillment.
Speaking of D/s and sex in general...I am feeling lately less of a desire to share every detail of my sex life with the world. That's not to say I intend to close down my little portion of the blogosphere, but postings, I think, may become less and less frequent as I focus on other things.
It is my hope that when my time is up in this particular body, that the God of my understanding will be well pleased that I have used it to the fullest. It is my personal belief that most of us souls return here to live many, many lifetimes until we have finally mastered the lessons we were sent here to learn. It is my sincere aspiration to skip a few lifetimes by using this one really, really well!
I can't help but be unnerved by the realization that the next generation to go will be my own parents, hopefully a good 20-30 years from now. If I am bewildered and melancholy by the loss of my grandparents, how in the world will I survive the loss of my parents? Something I try not to think about too terribly much.
I don't like the age I have become....the age where loved ones begin to die from, well, simple old age. I have witnessed several friends my own age lose their parents in recent years, and it is terribly unsettling. I have a friend who lost her parents 5 or 6 years ago, and is still clearly not over it. I don't think one would ever fully recover from the loss of a parent. I imagine in some ways one would feel like an orphan no matter what age they were.
While I have tried valiantly to pretend it is not happening, Jay's father is coming to the end stages of a serious illness he has lived with for some years now. It fills me with a sense of dread. I don't know what to do or say to help him with this. I feel quite helpless. I just try to trust that the right words and gestures will be given to me when they are needed.
All of this pondering of death lately can't help but bring me squarely face to face with my own mortality. When I was 20 I think I truely did believe I and those I loved would live forever. Now at age 40, having witnessed the passing of 2 sets of grandparents, I know every life is finite. This begs the question...what do you plan to do with the remaining 40 or 50 years of your life?
I think about all the time I wasted in my younger days. Afraid to try new things for fear of failing. Afraid to approach new people for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Constantly judging myself as lacking in one way or another and missing out on so much life because of it. I think it's high time I stop nailing myself to the cross every chance I get.
I feel this great desire to serve lately...not in the D/s sense of serving , but the more spiritual sense of the word ( so sorry to disappoint my freaky fans out there, ha, ha). I'm not entirely sure in what capacity just yet, but my eyes have been wide open and I have taken advantage of the small opportunities that have come my way in recent weeks. I think this will become my greatest path for happiness and fulfillment.
Speaking of D/s and sex in general...I am feeling lately less of a desire to share every detail of my sex life with the world. That's not to say I intend to close down my little portion of the blogosphere, but postings, I think, may become less and less frequent as I focus on other things.
It is my hope that when my time is up in this particular body, that the God of my understanding will be well pleased that I have used it to the fullest. It is my personal belief that most of us souls return here to live many, many lifetimes until we have finally mastered the lessons we were sent here to learn. It is my sincere aspiration to skip a few lifetimes by using this one really, really well!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving
In this season of Thanksgiving, I want to take a moment to reflect on the blessings I am thankful for in my life.
I am thankful for my family...
- My good looking, intelligent, kinky, loving husband.
- My goofy, sweet, funny daughter and her old soul.
- My handsome, smart, athletic, kind hearted son.
I am thankful that Jay and I have both have our parents here with us. We have reached an age where some of our friends are starting to lose their parents and it is very unsettling.
I am thankful that Jay and I are both gainfully employed and able to provide for ourselves and our children.
I am thankful each time my 16 year old, newly driving son comes home safe and sound.
I am thankful that I am fortunate enough to be concerned about all the excess calories I will have access to tomorrow when many will go without.
And, dearest reader, I am thankful that any of you find the ramblings of my deviant mind interesting enough to keep coming back for more.
What are you thankful for?
I am thankful for my family...
- My good looking, intelligent, kinky, loving husband.
- My goofy, sweet, funny daughter and her old soul.
- My handsome, smart, athletic, kind hearted son.
I am thankful that Jay and I have both have our parents here with us. We have reached an age where some of our friends are starting to lose their parents and it is very unsettling.
I am thankful that Jay and I are both gainfully employed and able to provide for ourselves and our children.
I am thankful each time my 16 year old, newly driving son comes home safe and sound.
I am thankful that I am fortunate enough to be concerned about all the excess calories I will have access to tomorrow when many will go without.
And, dearest reader, I am thankful that any of you find the ramblings of my deviant mind interesting enough to keep coming back for more.
What are you thankful for?
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