Jay and I have come to another impasse in our ever evolving D/s relationship.
To set the stage for how we arrived here…I have had a task from him for a week and a half or two weeks now which I have been quietly deflecting and putting off. It is a very difficult task for me. It involves the two of us going to a particular store. On weeknights when he has called for it I have squirmed out by being too busy with home activities/chores or too tired. Time got away from us this past weekend and I slipped out of the task again.
The task was expected of me again last night which I was passively trying to get out of once again. After our daughter was in bed and our son was in his room studying, Jay took me to our bedroom, had me disrobe and kneel in front of a mirror while he applied the cane to my ass. My head was not in sub mode at all. My responses to his questions were monotone, insolent and irritable. When he finally ordered me to get dressed to go out to complete my task, I fell to the floor whining like a child that I didn’t want to and just couldn’t get in the mood for it.
Jay gave up in frustration. This set the stage for a difficult evening in which we tiptoed around each other, ignoring the elephant in the room.
Jay finally named that elephant as we were parting this morning…I don’t respect him. I didn’t know what to say. I almost cried because I could not deny that he was right. I do absolutely respect him as my husband and life partner. That was not what he meant at all. What he meant, and what I couldn’t deny was that I don’t respect him as my dominant…as my alpha dominant in a station far above anyone else we might bestow the honor of entering into play with me.
I pondered and pondered this all morning and finally discussed with Jay via text (we were both at work and I just couldn’t let it wait all day) the things I had found in my head…
I admitted that he was correct that I did not respect him as I should in his role of ultimate dominance over me. There was no point in denying what we both knew to be the truth.
I went on to explain the reasons I believe I lack this respect. It is my perception that dominance in this context (D/s) is not necessarily something that he is naturally drawn to. It is an interesting phenomenon as Jay’s overall personality if very dominant. He is a confident problem solver and leader both in his professional and family life. It is this quality that first attracted me to him. I feel safe and taken care of in his presence.
Yet it is my belief that we came to the D/s experimentation and crept further and further into the lifestyle via my leadership. I feel that it is something he has developed an interest in to please and satisfy me (I am grateful and fortunate to have a husband so willing to please me and meet my needs), but not something he naturally needs or desires on his own. This perception of mine leads to a lesser intensity level than what I experienced with “Joe” and most definitely what I experienced with “Headmaster.”
The other piece to the puzzle of my lack of respect in this context is the fact that Jay is my husband. It is difficult for me to switch the D/s dynamic on and off when we share every facet of our life together. Unlike with a playmate, I can’t just compartmentalize our relationship into just sex or just D/s. The fact that he is my husband also means I know his limits because I know him intimately in so many different ways. The fear factor and element of the uncertain is in general not high with him (and really, should it be? Should I actually fear my husband?) thus also lowering the level of respect I can extend.
We have had problems lately with playmates or potential playmates simply disappearing into thin air which has frustrated me. I currently have not heard from Headmaster in two weeks. I would have expected to have heard from him late last week or this past weekend, but I did not which leads me to suspect he may be yet another casualty.
Part of this is just the nature of the relationship we seek…something fun with no commitments or strings attached on anyone’s part. It is easy to have a little fun and simply move on to the next encounter without even bothering to tell us they have moved on. This is not what Jay and I are seeking, and perhaps we have not been careful enough in our selection of playmates or explained thoroughly enough what we are looking for in a playmate.
However, I also expressed to Jay that another reason I suspect this is happening is him. He encourages my seeking out dominant playmates but then often seems to become jealous or overly controlling once I find someone who catches my interest and we begin to communicate. Two dominant men and one submissive woman does seem like a recipe for strife to me. Is it possible to make it work?
Jay becomes upset when he perceives boundaries being over stepped, especially when he is not kept informed of what is being asked of me by the playmate (literally he desires that either said playmate or myself communicate with him at the exact same time we are communicating with each other keeping him abreast of all that is being required of me) or when permission is not asked for certain tasks… remember this recent post?
I am not suggesting that these are necessarily unreasonable things for him to require as I am his wife and he is allowing another man the privilege of playing with me, but it also does not escape my attention that by his very nature a dominant man is not accustomed to asking for permission for anything form anyone. The dichotomy of two dominants and one submissive is one I am uncertain we can bridge.
Submission is something I crave with a passion. I am 40 years old and realistically only going to be sexually attractive to men other than my husband for another 5 years or so give or take a few years. I had almost no sexual experience before I met Jay. I only began exploring my submissive desires about 5 years ago. They have only grown stronger with time. I fear if we don’t manage to make this work in a way that pleases both of us and meets each of our needs, I will never experience a D/s relationship at the deeper level I desire. Don’t misunderstand me…I am not subtly hinting I want a D/s relationship that does not include my husband. What I want is a more intense D/s relationship, and yes, I do want a playmate.
Jay’s response to all this…
He cannot and will not tolerate my lack of respect. He realized recently the game I have been playing…that I have been performing many things under the guise of it being for him when It was really more in an effort to please Headmaster. This little game shows a lack of respect for him and his role which will not be tolerated. I didn’t bother denying the truth, but did feel some respect growing for him that he was not blind to this.
He went on to say his issue has been with me all along and not the playmates we have found. His jealousy and need to control come in when he feels I am not showing him the proper respect as my primary dominant by keeping him fully informed of my communications and tasks form a secondary dominant and requesting permission to perform these tasks.
He further informed me my respect and desire to please will be with him first; that unless or until I demonstrate this respect we will cease all play with any others. If I wish to demonstrate this respect and enter back into this world I will prostrate myself before him and beg for the privilege.
I must say these words and the power and confidence displayed in them did increase my respect for him.
Can we work through everything to make this work for both of us? I am not certain at the moment. I very much hope so. We did end our conversation exchanging “I love you’s” and “we will work this out.”
I wish we knew other married couples in the lifestyle who could share with us their feelings and how they make it work. I believe if we can get it right our sex life and marriage will be greatly enriched for it, and so does he.
The questions I am left with…how do we proceed from here? Why can’t I give Jay my full respect without which I can never fully submit to him? How does he learn to be more dominant? Is it something one can even learn, or just something one naturally does or does not posses? Can D/s relationships within the context of a marriage work, and if so how? Where does each of us need to bend and grow if we truly desire to make it work? Are we asking too much of each other? Is it best that I simply suppress my submissive desires if I can’t submit to him and return us to a more conventional, vanilla sex life? Am I selfish if the prospect of doing that depresses me?