Sunday, February 13, 2011

New Directions

Jay and I have decided that we have come to the conclusion of one facet of our odyssey of sexual exploration. We have agreed that we will no longer invite a 3rd party into our sex life. It was a scintillating idea for a time. However, of the 5 encounters we had over the past 3 years, one was so horrible I still wish I could undo it, another was unenjoyable for me and fraught with jealousy for Jay, two were actually fun and satisfying, while the 5th was hot, satisfying for me and very confusing all at the same time.

In general, I believe neither of us have ever been 100% comfortable with the idea, but each agreed to try it for our own reasons. My reasons centered around a desire to revive a failing sex drive, pleasing Jay and replacing something I had lost. He may wish to speak for himself later, but I think Jay's reasons revolved around wanting to try something new, and the simple pleasure of watching his wife have sex. He got to enjoy his own live action porn scene with his wife as the star.

It's a difficult thing to pull off. There were jealousy issues, there were hurt feelings, there were guilty and even shameful feelings for me. The small payoffs we got were not worth all of the angst that went along with it. This sort of play just never felt comfortable for me, nor truth be told, do I think if felt comfortable for Jay. I found it often unnerving and akward to engage in sexual relations with another man in front of my husband. While I did derive sexual pleasure from some of our encounters, my overriding emotion surrounding it all was shame. I can't get past the societal mores that teach me such behavior is wrong, even taboo.

It is my personal belief that intimacy between 2 people will eventually suffer if this is an ongoing lifestyle. I know there are those out there blogging away about their success and enjoyment of some variation of this "open" lifestyle. I think there are indeed a handful of couples out there for whom this works well. If it works for you, I say, embrace it and enjoy it! For Jay and me, it was not the answer.

This is certainly not to say we are returning to a simple "vanilla" sex life. I still long to be dominated, controlled, treated like his cherished little "pet." I have discovered I am more of a spank me, choke me, tie me up kind of sub than an objectify me and share me with others sub. I have found my limits the hard way it seems.


Anonymous said...

Living in an open relationship is never easy. there are a lot of emotions and factors to deal with. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. What matters here is that the two of you tried it and thought it's not working, you were able to see this as a couple and work through it. Good luck with your new path :)

xo mina

Mimi said...

Thanks, Mina:-)

A Journal said...

as i read your post it seems to me the true importance is you both share a bond so close u made it threw the rough patches on this. i have been a swinger myself in the past so understand all the different variations of feelings that come with this open lifestyle. i can also agree now with my new master there will be no more of any of that, which is awesome to i can see ur views relate n understand.

Mimi said...

Journal....I knew someone out there must be able to relate to this oddity. I too am glad it is a settled and decided matter for us.

Terry said...

It sounds like you both have reflected on your feelings and communicated openly about them. Having an open relationship can be very challenging - and it certainly isn't for everyone (or even for most people).

Based on my following your blog over the years it sounds like you guys are communicating very well. That is such a healthy thing.