This has been a thought provoking question rolling around in my head lately. First posed by Joe last week as he was trying to determine what Jay and I were looking for in him as a play partner. I had what I felt was only a partial answer for him at the time, until the same sort of question was posed by Jay today in trying to work out where everyone fits into this admittedly unusual threesome.
The answer struck me like a lightening bolt today as I tried to articulate it to Jay. It is three-fold in nature. First, I wish for and am aroused by treatment that is in many ways rougher and more extreme than Jay is comfortable with by virtue of the fact that I am his wife. By the same token, I am not necessarily comfortable with my husband being the one dishing out the handling I envision in my darkest fantasies. We both really enjoy the intense spankings, hair pulling, nipple play, restraints, but there are some acts that may not necessarily be appropriate for husband and wife to get comfortable with enjoying.
Joe was much rougher with me than Jay has ever been, and I loved it. At one point he had his hand around my throat and I wanted to whisper to him to tighten his grip, but I knew Jay had set ground rules with him for only light choking. I believe he allowed that only because he knows how much I get off on it. I wanted Joe to slap me in the face (Jay has done this but only very reluctantly and uncomfortably after I begged), but I knew Jay had set ground rules for Joe forbidding this too. My feeling is that I actually do want my husband to be uncomfortable doing some of these types of things to me, but I still long for someone to do them to me with Jay’s approval and protective participation.
Second, I like a dose of measured fear and perceived danger with my domination which simply does not (and should not) exist with my own husband. I don’t quiver with dread when I have failed to carry out his orders for I know his threats are limited. I know just how far he is willing to go when he disciplines me. I get off on the element of the unknown or at least the element of knowing a 2nd dominant truly can afford to see me as his plaything to enjoy and abuse as he wishes while still within certain agreed upon parameters and with respect for safe words. There was a point during our play with Joe in which he had my face tightly shoved into the sofa cushion, pinning me down by the back of the neck as he fucked me harder than I have ever been fucked in my life. I had a very small pocket of air in which to breath...I felt utterly powerless and a little fightened by how far he might take it which left me dripping wet. I was able to relax and enjoy it because my Jay was there enjoying the whole scene as he carefully monitored it.
Third, a major element of arousal in this type of play is the exchanging of power. I long to surrender my power utterly to another. Again, for me, I cannot seem to do this with my husband. The very nature of our relationship greatly inhibits it. We raise children together, we run a household together, we share in every facet of each others lives, and we are best friends in addition to being lovers. I want to experience the joy of whole heartedly surrendering my power to another without fear of how this might affect other areas of our lives or relationship. A 2nd dominant would have no real relationship with me other than to be my dominant, and hopefully a friend as well.
I am very eager for feedback from others on these thoughts and feelings. I would be most keen to hear what other submissives have to say, however, sadly I suspect I have few female submissive readers. My readership seems to be predominantly male, but I am sure any and all who care to comment would have something of value to say.
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8 comments:
Yes, i am one of your male readers, but i must comment on the one word that gave me a "light bulb" moment this morning. i've been trying to articulate to my Mistress how if feel as we move deeper into a D/s relationship, and your description of an exchange of power gave me the words to write to her this morning. Thank you!
Mimi,
That was an excellent description of what you want and what you need. As we have discussed before I too have limits to what I am comfortable with in disciplining my subwife. I am trying to push those limits a little further all the time.
Can't wait to read and see how all this works out foy you and Jay.
Jem...I am glad I could help you with the insight you needed. These types of feelings and desires can often be complicated and difficult to articualate.
BigD...We will be sure to share as we travel down this unusual path.
It makes perfect sense to me and reflects how I feel within my own marriage. I remember writing a post ages ago in regards to love getting in the way of things. In it I discuss how it's different to meet under D/s and then fall in love versus, meeting as a "normal" couple and then exploring D/s. My husband and I were bf/gf first before becoming D/s.
Right now, my husband isn't as into the D/s as I am. It's one of the reasons he is happy to have me look outside our relationship to have that desire taken care of.
I get what you are saying and I feel the same way. I want to meet a man that I can have a close relationship with but as my Dominant. I want him to be able to push me and take me to unknown places in my subconscious. I just don't know if I can go there with my husband... because...he is my husband first in my eyes... not my Dominant.
xo mina
i think what you write about here is as simple a thing as "this is how our relationship works." it is really wonderful that you and jay have this worked out where your fantasies get lived, but you still have the love and safety of a place to return to. in a lot of ways, that reflects our relationship as well. On days when i have been exhausted and kicked around, i want to make love to my wife, or be made love to. i don't want to run her within an inch of her existence. While there are days like that, especially when i miss her or i have a great day at work, even then there are limits.
i don't think that acknowledging those limits diminishes your relationship in any way. i think it does make you stronger for finding a way to enrich your life.
Mina...thanks for your insightful comments. The last few lines really rang true for me...
"I want to meet a man that I can have a close relationship with but as my Dominant. I want him to be able to push me and take me to unknown places in my subconscious. I just don't know if I can go there with my husband... because...he is my husband first in my eyes... not my Dominant"
This helped me express exactly what I have been trying to articulate to Jay.
Sylvanus...funny you should say...
"On days when i have been exhausted and kicked around, i want to make love to my wife, or be made love to. i don't want to run her within an inch of her existence"
Jay said something very similar to me after our encounter with Joe. He said if we could make this type of play a regular sort of thing, our own sex lofe might become more gentle. We might make love more instead of fucking. This would,of course, be the best of both worlds for me :-)
in my personal situation, i find that my husband is the one that i trust enough to inflict the kind of pain or treatment i seek.
i think everyone has the their own preference and mine would be with the one i love.
i am a firm believer in communication and expressing my needs is really all it takes along with a safe word.
there is no right and wrong in the realm of sex as long as it is consenting adults.
Gracie...Thanks for your food for thought.
I do very much see your point in the one you love being the only one you trust enough to do to you what you crave. I absolutely would not engage in the acts I crave without the safety and protection of my husband's presence and participation.
I am also grateful that he allows me to talk openly about and explore my desires not only with him but with the right 2nd as well.
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