This has been a thought provoking question rolling around in my head lately. First posed by Joe last week as he was trying to determine what Jay and I were looking for in him as a play partner. I had what I felt was only a partial answer for him at the time, until the same sort of question was posed by Jay today in trying to work out where everyone fits into this admittedly unusual threesome.
The answer struck me like a lightening bolt today as I tried to articulate it to Jay. It is three-fold in nature. First, I wish for and am aroused by treatment that is in many ways rougher and more extreme than Jay is comfortable with by virtue of the fact that I am his wife. By the same token, I am not necessarily comfortable with my husband being the one dishing out the handling I envision in my darkest fantasies. We both really enjoy the intense spankings, hair pulling, nipple play, restraints, but there are some acts that may not necessarily be appropriate for husband and wife to get comfortable with enjoying.
Joe was much rougher with me than Jay has ever been, and I loved it. At one point he had his hand around my throat and I wanted to whisper to him to tighten his grip, but I knew Jay had set ground rules with him for only light choking. I believe he allowed that only because he knows how much I get off on it. I wanted Joe to slap me in the face (Jay has done this but only very reluctantly and uncomfortably after I begged), but I knew Jay had set ground rules for Joe forbidding this too. My feeling is that I actually do want my husband to be uncomfortable doing some of these types of things to me, but I still long for someone to do them to me with Jay’s approval and protective participation.
Second, I like a dose of measured fear and perceived danger with my domination which simply does not (and should not) exist with my own husband. I don’t quiver with dread when I have failed to carry out his orders for I know his threats are limited. I know just how far he is willing to go when he disciplines me. I get off on the element of the unknown or at least the element of knowing a 2nd dominant truly can afford to see me as his plaything to enjoy and abuse as he wishes while still within certain agreed upon parameters and with respect for safe words. There was a point during our play with Joe in which he had my face tightly shoved into the sofa cushion, pinning me down by the back of the neck as he fucked me harder than I have ever been fucked in my life. I had a very small pocket of air in which to breath...I felt utterly powerless and a little fightened by how far he might take it which left me dripping wet. I was able to relax and enjoy it because my Jay was there enjoying the whole scene as he carefully monitored it.
Third, a major element of arousal in this type of play is the exchanging of power. I long to surrender my power utterly to another. Again, for me, I cannot seem to do this with my husband. The very nature of our relationship greatly inhibits it. We raise children together, we run a household together, we share in every facet of each others lives, and we are best friends in addition to being lovers. I want to experience the joy of whole heartedly surrendering my power to another without fear of how this might affect other areas of our lives or relationship. A 2nd dominant would have no real relationship with me other than to be my dominant, and hopefully a friend as well.
I am very eager for feedback from others on these thoughts and feelings. I would be most keen to hear what other submissives have to say, however, sadly I suspect I have few female submissive readers. My readership seems to be predominantly male, but I am sure any and all who care to comment would have something of value to say.