I'm bored...with EVERYTHING. I'm bored with my job, I'm bored with my daily routine, I'm bored with the food I eat, I'm bored with the clothes I wear, I'm bored with my sex life. I'm so bored, I'm in such a rut that I feel trapped in inertia. I can't even figure out what I might want to try to create excitement and less boredom in my life. So I continue to sit here at my job bored, go home to the same routine of kids, dinner, bath, TV, collapse into bed day after day, week after week and get up to do it all again the next day with the same refrain playing in my head...I'M BORED!!
It seems to be a combination of two things. One, the sex drive still hasn't improved all that much. If you recall, Jay underwent a vasectomy in March so that I could go off birth control pills in the hopes of boosting my sex drive again. Thus far, I don' feel there has been as much improvement in that area as we had hoped. I feel incredibly guilty that he underwent this unpleasant procedure seemingly for nothing. If anything, I've had negative effects from going off the pill. I've been extremely anxious and depressed nearly every month the week immediately preceding my period. It takes every ounce of strenth I can muster to get out of bed each morning and go to work instead of curling up in my bed in a scared little ball. As soon as Aunt Flo shows up, all is well again. It really sucks. What's worse is that if I speak to my OB/Gyn about it, the treatment will probably be going back on the pill and/or antidepressants, neither of which I really want.
I miss my old sex drive, miss having sex on the brain 24/7, miss feeling sexy and powerful. Instead I feel overwhelmed with responsibilities at home and work, I feel too tired and too busy to be interested in sex. I feel as if my life no longer belongs to me. I am someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's employee, someone's boss, but not just me. I read other blogs and find that while I intellectually recognize that the stories they relate are hot, I am not aroused. Jay tries to get me to watch porn either of myself or DVD's we have bought and I just have no interest. I have grown so weary of trying to force myself to be interested in sex, of trying to find that one elusive formula that is going to bring it all back to me.
I find myself longing for the life I had 6 or 7 years ago. I was a stay at home mom (I'd give my right arm to give up work again. I know I am supposed to be all liberated and enjoy helping to support my family by working, but thats a bunch of BS in my book. I despise work. I suppose mostly because I feel it is something I MUST do to keep our finances solvent rather than something I WANT to do), I was a new mom having just given birth to our daughter, I had lots of time to myself while our son was at school, I thought about sex constantly, and I was happy. I wish sometimes that I could magically transport myself back to that period of my life.
The other contributor to my ennui and ensuing discontent is this feeling that the best years of my life are behind me. I will be 40 next year, and I feel like all of my major life events... graduating from college, falling in love, getting married, having a child...are done. All that's left for me now is to live vicariously through my children as they go through these same life events someday. I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to.
So I keep pondering what it is that will make my life, in particular, my sex life, feel exciting again. Jay and I have been so adventurous in that department that I sometimes feel there is not much left to try. We've taken hundreds of pictures and more than a few videos, we have several drawers full of toys, we've played with various folks on line, we've had sex in a variety of places, this very blog was begun in the hopes of jump starting my sex drive. Our whole group sex experiment of last year was a total disaster. So much so, that I just try to blot it from my memory. It is extremly difficult, due to our lack of privacy, for Jay and I to engage in what really turns me on...being spanked, being tied up, being his "little girl." I also wonder sometimes if Jay truely is a natural dominant. I feel sometimes as if he is just playing a role to please me rather than truely wanting it for himself. I am decidely uncomfortable and often annoyed by his particular kink. He enjoys sex outdoors or in semi public places. While I've indulged him in it in the past, I don't enjoy it at all. I wonder sometimes if my BDSM kink feels the same as his exhibitionist kink does to me.
We met a potential playmate late last year who is seemingly everything I am looking for in a play partner. I find him extremely attractive, he is English and we all know how I love an English accent, he's totally into spanking me, forcing me, having me serve him. Furthermore, he's able to carry on an intelligent conversation, his occupation requires him to wear what I find to be a sexy uniform which he obligingly sends me photos of, he's in town fairly reguarly due to his occupation, and he's married, so not likely to want any more of me than Jay and I are willing to give. We talked about meeting twice now and I chickened out both times. I kept hearing this voice in my head telling me it was weird, wrong, immoral, dirty, shameful to let my husband share me with another man. But the truth is if I could just shut those voices up, I think I just might find it very hot. I so love the idea of being forced by Jay to service this man. I imagine Jay ordering me on my knees in front of him to suck his cock, I imagine being laid over his lap while Jay spanks me, I imagine one of them in my pussy while the other fucks my mouth, and it turns me on. I have not spoken with this friend for several months now. While he has been quite patient with my inability to decide what I want, I wonder if he has finally just given up.
The other idea we have been tossing around that I have also been too afraid to try is visiting one of the local swingers clubs that also has a nice little dungeon area we are told. Part of me is aching to try it while the other part is absolutely terrified of the unknown. I'm afraid I will feel out of place, I'm afraid of being on display, I'm afraid of being so publicly disciplined, I'm afraid I'll be accosted all night by strange men, I'm afraid I'll regret it as deeply as I regret the group sex of last year.
I'm really not sure what the point of this post is other than to vent what I have been feeling for quite some time, perhaps start a dialogue with Jay, and perhaps get some input or at the very least find a sympathetic ear out there in cyberspace.