Monday, March 23, 2009

I Won't Go Gently Into That Good Night

I thought I'd drop in to let ya'll know I'm still walking and talking and breathing. I seem to have lost my muse of late, and cant find a damn thing worth the effort to write about. So, I suppose the only thing to do is to write about what's NOT happening in my life. I think we all know what that is, dont we? It's a little three letter word(S E X)that wields such power, both when it's exceptionally intense, and when it's woefully lacking.

I'm sorry to say my sex drive has been exceptionally low lately. Poor Jay has been making do with one or two sessions a week at most. I rarely even fantasize about sex anymore. It's often an effort to cook up the desire for one or two encounters a week. I feel lost. I feel that I've lost a vital part of my identity and I'm terrified I'll never find it again. I didn't realize just how much my self esteem was wrapped up in the fact that I loved sex, had a high sex drive and considered myself pretty damn good at it. I feel like an old (I'm almost 39), dowdy, suburban mom. I have plenty of friends who have the same lowered sex drive, but dont seem to really care. I'm not ready to go gently in that good night!!!! I miss my sex drive desperately. I'm not me without it.

I 've also become keenly aware of the bond sex forges between Jay and I. I feel its absence. That's not to say I'm not still in love with my husband or he with me, just that a certain closeness and familiarity is gone. Sex seems to always be the elephant in the room that we tip toe around because we simply dont know what to say about it anymore. I sometimes shrink from his touch because I fear he wants sex from me, and I just cant give it. There are times after sex when I have felt next to nothing and I just want to cry because I remember the euphoria I used to feel afterwards.

This has been going on in varying degrees for the better part of two years now. I'm honestly not sure where the cause lies. Mostly likely a combination of things...working full time again, financial stresses, lack of privacy with a teenager and a 5 year old constantly underfoot, and perhaps a hormonal component.

I'm happy to say that Jay had his vasectomy a little over a week ago which means I will soon be off the pill!! I'm hopeful that this might make the difference for me. I've got two more pills to take and then I'm done with those little killjoys forever!!! I'm so desperate to get my mojo back I've thought about talking to a shrink about it, if going off the pill doesn't seem to help after a few months. If anyone out there has any words of wisdom or past experience they'd like to share, PLEASE leave me a comment or drop me an email.

I'd like to say I'll be back soon with hot steamy fantasies and real life anecdotes, but at this point, I'd say, dont hold your breath.


Anonymous said...

It's nice to see you around here again. hopefully, going off the pill will make things better once more. Trust me, I know how frustrating things are when your sex drive is gone. Sylvanus and I also seem to feel separated when we are not having sex.

xoxox mina

RIV said...

take your time, find ways to enjoy life and relax.
Don't flinch at his touch, sometimes a simple embrace will work and the conversation will come out in time.

Binks and Petal said...

I feel like sharing with you because a previous relationship of mine was ultimately destroyed by a lack of sex. On the other hand, I feel a bit presumptuous offering advice to someone with more life experience than I.

If Petal and I ever get to this point, my experience tells me that communication is key. The things left unsaid will do the most damage. I am 8 years older than Petal and her sex drive is like no other I've seen. I suspect one day I won't be able to keep up with her.

When that day comes, I will be sure she knows she needs to come to me with whatever she is thinking or feeling. I am not sure how I will meet her needs, but we will work through it.

I know the male/female roles are switched and it's quite different. I see now I have nothing to offer, lol.