My last remaining grandparent ( my maternal grandmother) passed away last Saturday. If I am honest, I wasn't as close to her as my paternal grandparents who passed away last year, and the loss was not quite as difficult. However, I did of course love her, and after my paternal grandparents passed I comforted myself with the thought that I still had one grandparent left, so things were still kind of normal. With my grandmother's passing this week, I have lost an entire generation of my family. All that remains are memories, photographs, and certain sentimental items. It changes in some ways the entire landscape of life.
I can't help but be unnerved by the realization that the next generation to go will be my own parents, hopefully a good 20-30 years from now. If I am bewildered and melancholy by the loss of my grandparents, how in the world will I survive the loss of my parents? Something I try not to think about too terribly much.
I don't like the age I have become....the age where loved ones begin to die from, well, simple old age. I have witnessed several friends my own age lose their parents in recent years, and it is terribly unsettling. I have a friend who lost her parents 5 or 6 years ago, and is still clearly not over it. I don't think one would ever fully recover from the loss of a parent. I imagine in some ways one would feel like an orphan no matter what age they were.
While I have tried valiantly to pretend it is not happening, Jay's father is coming to the end stages of a serious illness he has lived with for some years now. It fills me with a sense of dread. I don't know what to do or say to help him with this. I feel quite helpless. I just try to trust that the right words and gestures will be given to me when they are needed.
All of this pondering of death lately can't help but bring me squarely face to face with my own mortality. When I was 20 I think I truely did believe I and those I loved would live forever. Now at age 40, having witnessed the passing of 2 sets of grandparents, I know every life is finite. This begs the question...what do you plan to do with the remaining 40 or 50 years of your life?
I think about all the time I wasted in my younger days. Afraid to try new things for fear of failing. Afraid to approach new people for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Constantly judging myself as lacking in one way or another and missing out on so much life because of it. I think it's high time I stop nailing myself to the cross every chance I get.
I feel this great desire to serve lately...not in the D/s sense of serving , but the more spiritual sense of the word ( so sorry to disappoint my freaky fans out there, ha, ha). I'm not entirely sure in what capacity just yet, but my eyes have been wide open and I have taken advantage of the small opportunities that have come my way in recent weeks. I think this will become my greatest path for happiness and fulfillment.
Speaking of D/s and sex in general...I am feeling lately less of a desire to share every detail of my sex life with the world. That's not to say I intend to close down my little portion of the blogosphere, but postings, I think, may become less and less frequent as I focus on other things.
It is my hope that when my time is up in this particular body, that the God of my understanding will be well pleased that I have used it to the fullest. It is my personal belief that most of us souls return here to live many, many lifetimes until we have finally mastered the lessons we were sent here to learn. It is my sincere aspiration to skip a few lifetimes by using this one really, really well!
